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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP hasn’t invited me

317 replies

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 18:41

so I know this is silly and I just want some perspective if I am being unreasonable so do tell me if I am so I can get over it and not cause an issue over it.

So DP and I met 5 years ago working at the same company, I worked there for 5 years, he has worked there about 15 years, I left 2 years ago, he still works there.

one of our former colleagues has just retired, DP is his boss and I worked with him often and we still see him occasionally outside of work.

now DP has organised a big retirement do for this colleague, he has invited all sorts of people who we used to work with, current colleagues, ex colleagues, clients etc, arranged a quiz and done a speech, food money behind the bar etc, alls sounds great. However my issue is that DP has not invited me!

we have a blended family and he has his kids this night and he has just gone and arranged this do on this night he has his kids, not invited me and just assumes I’ll be home watching the kids.

now I have no issue with having them but I just feel like he has invited everyone our colleague used to work with and not me even though I know this colleague well and worked with him myself and maybe it would have been nice if he had considered me and said to me I know you would have liked to have come but it’s the only date that works so would you mind having the kids for me as I really need to be there instead of just assuming I’ll be at home minding the kids. I still speak to other ex colleagues from the same company who have been texting me asking if I’m coming and I feel quite hurt that I wasn’t even invited.

AIBU to be a bit miffed by this?

OP posts:
BlueMum16 · 30/01/2025 19:18

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 19:14

It also pissed me off that its been getting arranged for weeks, I’ve constantly heard the ins and outs of every detail, he equally shown me the invite which said 4-8pm, has gone on about some people just dropping in till 8 and the bar tab should last till then and then today (the day before) revealed that he was actually going on a big night out afterwards.

As it's only 4-8pm can his DC not be left with your DC so you can attend for a couple of hours?

I wouldn't be happy and would try and find a suitable solution.

TheTecknician · 30/01/2025 19:17

He is a git. That is as polite as I can be.

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 19:17

To be honest hadn’t really thought about it and assumed I was invited until I realised yesterday I wasn’t when I asked him about it and he said I was welcome but I know he has the kids 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
MayaPinion · 30/01/2025 19:17

He could easily pay the older ones to look after his kids - it’s perfectly normal to have babysitting jobs at 15 and 16. I’d be worried there’s some other reason he doesn’t want you to go. Say ‘No worries. My kids are happy to babysit’, and watch his face.

Crushgrape · 30/01/2025 19:17

Crushgrape · 30/01/2025 19:16

If you saw the invite did you not ask then if you were invited?

So wait he tells you today that you’ve got to stay in tomorrow night and baby sit the kids.

When did you see the invite? Surely if you saw it a few days ago / weeks ago you would have said oh I’m going too.

Choccyscofffy · 30/01/2025 19:16

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 18:50

I honestly don’t mind having the kids and he should absolutely be going over me but I just wanted to know if I was being unreasonable before I said something

You honestly should mind.

Tell him you have plans and won’t be able to watch his kids so he has to have them somewhere else.

arcticpandas · 30/01/2025 19:16

First of all: it's strange you were not invited. This would have made me slightly suspicious tbh.
Secondly, how can he just assume that you are available to babysit his kids? What if you had plans? As you said your kids are old enough to be left alone at home so if he wants to go out then he needs to ASK you to babysit his kids. He sounds very entitled and you seem way too nice for him.

Crushgrape · 30/01/2025 19:16

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 19:14

It also pissed me off that its been getting arranged for weeks, I’ve constantly heard the ins and outs of every detail, he equally shown me the invite which said 4-8pm, has gone on about some people just dropping in till 8 and the bar tab should last till then and then today (the day before) revealed that he was actually going on a big night out afterwards.

If you saw the invite did you not ask then if you were invited?

WhenTheyComeForYou · 30/01/2025 19:15

TeenLifeMum · 30/01/2025 19:11

I would be miffed and say “oh, what are you doing with dsc that night?” And if he’s assuming you will have then you pretend you assumed their mum would so you’ve made plans.

However, I don’t really understand why you haven’t had a conversation about it. The fact you’re not able to just speak up makes me question the relationship as it shouldn’t be like that.

Yes this as well OP. Why haven’t you felt able to raise this with him. Will he get angry? Belittle you? Make excuses?

Or does he respect and listen to you like a decent partner would?

Doloresparton · 30/01/2025 19:14

I wouldn’t have his dc on principal.
He should have sorted their care out.
id be furious.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 30/01/2025 19:14

I must be so lovely to make decisions about things that are happening in the evening without even giving his children a second thought. When questioned, a surprised "Oh she'll look after my kids..." is all he needs. ("She" meaning either the OP, his ex or his mother.) FFS.

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 19:14

It also pissed me off that its been getting arranged for weeks, I’ve constantly heard the ins and outs of every detail, he equally shown me the invite which said 4-8pm, has gone on about some people just dropping in till 8 and the bar tab should last till then and then today (the day before) revealed that he was actually going on a big night out afterwards.

OP posts:
ERthree · 30/01/2025 19:13

He is making a fool out of you.

WhenTheyComeForYou · 30/01/2025 19:12

Have you got either set of parents to babysit? Or a friend you can return the favour with? Babysitter? Can partners ex swap weekends?

You should go, your kids are fine. He needs to arrange cover for his kids.

Crushgrape · 30/01/2025 19:12

123ZYX · 30/01/2025 19:11

It's absolutely one reason women don't get promoted as easily. He'll be there networking, without worrying about his kids, while OP missing out on the same opportunities despite being past the stage of her own kids needing babysitting

This is a huge big point too.

TeenLifeMum · 30/01/2025 19:11

I would be miffed and say “oh, what are you doing with dsc that night?” And if he’s assuming you will have then you pretend you assumed their mum would so you’ve made plans.

However, I don’t really understand why you haven’t had a conversation about it. The fact you’re not able to just speak up makes me question the relationship as it shouldn’t be like that.

123ZYX · 30/01/2025 19:11

Crushgrape · 30/01/2025 19:08

Am I being harsh here or is this just another reason dads get it easier than mums (not all!!! Obviously)

Dad can just go out not have to think about the kids and expect woman to look after the kids. It’s almost expected of us woman.

It's absolutely one reason women don't get promoted as easily. He'll be there networking, without worrying about his kids, while OP missing out on the same opportunities despite being past the stage of her own kids needing babysitting

FlippityFlippityFlop · 30/01/2025 19:11

MounjaroOnMyMind · 30/01/2025 19:09

It doesn't solve your problem with him, but can't you ask your older kids to babysit?

This!

He absolutely would have asked you - not just expected that you would be available. Can't he pay your eldest to babysit - that way you could go for a few hours.

Freeme31 · 30/01/2025 19:11

To sum up here yes you should have been invited bit your being taken totally for granted by tour own husband, the thing is by not insisting you are going & he has to find his own babysitter you are ALLOWING him to treat you like this, hope you don't have a daughter who your both teaching to accept such disrespectful behaviour

MounjaroOnMyMind · 30/01/2025 19:09

It doesn't solve your problem with him, but can't you ask your older kids to babysit?

Crushgrape · 30/01/2025 19:08

Am I being harsh here or is this just another reason dads get it easier than mums (not all!!! Obviously)

Dad can just go out not have to think about the kids and expect woman to look after the kids. It’s almost expected of us woman.

2025willbemytime · 30/01/2025 19:08

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 18:46

I think 3 dates were thrown around but this particular date was chosen, I will say in he is one of those people who doesn’t check and just commits then deals with the consequences.

i did ask him about it and he just said I have the kids so you can’t come

my office is a 10 minute walk away, I haven’t even had a why don’t you call in for an hour on your way home if you want (I work flexi so can finish early, the do starts at 4)

Why do you need an invitation?

FOJN · 30/01/2025 19:08

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 18:50

I honestly don’t mind having the kids and he should absolutely be going over me but I just wanted to know if I was being unreasonable before I said something

It's not about whether you mind looking after his children it's about the fact he has arranged a party it would be appropriate for you to attend but you have been left off the guest list specifically to provide free childcare for him. He told you so himself.

i did ask him about it and he just said I have the kids so you can’t come

And he didn't even ask you.

You would have been invited if you were not in a relationship with your P.

I would refuse on principle otherwise you will find yourself default babysitter whenever it suits him or even asking him if he has plans before you can make arrangements for yourself.

MissAmbrosia · 30/01/2025 19:07

I would be totally unavailable for babysitting that night.

Lollypop701 · 30/01/2025 19:07

id be in Paris I’m afraid

’d’h you didn’t mention anything going on and so i have booked an overnight with my kids as I’ve not spent any quality time with them recently. Such a shame. I meant to mention it to you but forgot and apparently that’s how we roll as a couple assuming the other person doesn’t need to be told anything (or invited) Hope you are not publicly humiliated by not attending a work colleges leaving do… I’ve already told him I’m away which is why I can’t attend. Cie La vie