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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP hasn’t invited me

317 replies

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 18:41

so I know this is silly and I just want some perspective if I am being unreasonable so do tell me if I am so I can get over it and not cause an issue over it.

So DP and I met 5 years ago working at the same company, I worked there for 5 years, he has worked there about 15 years, I left 2 years ago, he still works there.

one of our former colleagues has just retired, DP is his boss and I worked with him often and we still see him occasionally outside of work.

now DP has organised a big retirement do for this colleague, he has invited all sorts of people who we used to work with, current colleagues, ex colleagues, clients etc, arranged a quiz and done a speech, food money behind the bar etc, alls sounds great. However my issue is that DP has not invited me!

we have a blended family and he has his kids this night and he has just gone and arranged this do on this night he has his kids, not invited me and just assumes I’ll be home watching the kids.

now I have no issue with having them but I just feel like he has invited everyone our colleague used to work with and not me even though I know this colleague well and worked with him myself and maybe it would have been nice if he had considered me and said to me I know you would have liked to have come but it’s the only date that works so would you mind having the kids for me as I really need to be there instead of just assuming I’ll be at home minding the kids. I still speak to other ex colleagues from the same company who have been texting me asking if I’m coming and I feel quite hurt that I wasn’t even invited.

AIBU to be a bit miffed by this?

OP posts:
Duckingella · 30/01/2025 19:32

His contact time;his issue.You are not his glorified nanny.Your kids don't need a sitter.

Who's at the office that he doesn't want you to meet?

Also his colleagues will think he's a dick for not inviting you;he'll probably just lie about why you're not there too.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/01/2025 19:31

@Bigredchair

"I have the kids so you can't come"? So he intentionally picked the date assuming that you'd watch his kids? Fuck me that would piss me off. DH and I have shared children (now grown) and neither of us would ever assume the other was free to watch the DC. It is common courtesy to consult the other parent, let alone consult with a 'non-parent' partner.

I wouldn't be pissed off that I wasn't invited per se, but that I was being treated like a nanny with a fanny, like the hired help. I'd probably tell him that I've been invited 'elsewhere' on that same night and that he'll have to sort his own childcare. And I certainly wouldn't volunteer my teens to babysit. Let him ask them himself and then pay them (well) for it.

Reason 1,230,274,323 why I decided early on that I'd never marry a man with kids.

FOJN · 30/01/2025 19:30

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 19:23

why should I have to check weeks in advance if he has his kids? Surely that for him to check and then check with me if I am ok having them?

Why would he bother?

He hasn't invited you to a party so you can stay at home and look after his children and you think you are being silly to be annoyed because you don't mind looking after his kids.

You've had to come to the internet to have your feelings validated because you have no boundaries.

He didn't ask because I suspect he frequently takes you for granted and you have yet to refuse to do anything he's assumed he can hand off to you.

diddl · 30/01/2025 19:30

MounjaroOnMyMind · 30/01/2025 19:09

It doesn't solve your problem with him, but can't you ask your older kids to babysit?

He at least should be capable of that!

gamerchick · 30/01/2025 19:29

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 18:50

I honestly don’t mind having the kids and he should absolutely be going over me but I just wanted to know if I was being unreasonable before I said something

Usually you do, but you have a point to make about being taken for granted this one time. Don't you?

Fundays12 · 30/01/2025 19:29

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 19:17

To be honest hadn’t really thought about it and assumed I was invited until I realised yesterday I wasn’t when I asked him about it and he said I was welcome but I know he has the kids 🤷🏼‍♀️

Edited

He has the kids as he pointed out. I would be furious in your position. His kids need watched so I would suggest you tell him to find a babysitter and kick his butt over leaving you out to babysit HIS kids

HipToTheHopDontStop · 30/01/2025 19:29

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 19:28

Sorry, I just wanted some perspective on whether I was being unreasonable to make an issue of it and for being miffed about it

You're not, and you should be miffed.

But what's next? Are you going along with his plans?

Crushgrape · 30/01/2025 19:28

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 19:28

Sorry, I just wanted some perspective on whether I was being unreasonable to make an issue of it and for being miffed about it

So you’re going to look after his kids and miss out on the do and stay with him?

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 19:28

HipToTheHopDontStop · 30/01/2025 19:25

Yes. But he hasn't. So what are you going to do about it?

If you're going to complain here and then stay home minding his kids .....why?

Sorry, I just wanted some perspective on whether I was being unreasonable to make an issue of it and for being miffed about it

OP posts:
Silvertulips · 30/01/2025 19:27

Why do you keep saying ‘but I know he has the kids*

He hasn’t got the kids - you haven’t either as he hasn’t asked you - he’s assumed:

The same as you have assumed

I would tell him you are going, and he needs to arrange childcare because you aren’t doing to :

Why don’t you just lie down and let him walk all over you. Your kids are grown. He doesn’t have that luxury yet.

Crushgrape · 30/01/2025 19:26

Choccyscofffy · 30/01/2025 19:26

So this is on him to sort. Tell him you’re going and he needs to sort childcare for his kids.

Stand up for yourself, no one will do it for you.

This. I’d be saying maybe he can ask OP’s older kids to baby sit for a couple of hours but they won’t want to do it all night so he won’t be able to go on this big night out after the do finishes

stampin · 30/01/2025 19:26

So, what's the big night out afterwards all about OP?

thepariscrimefiles · 30/01/2025 19:26

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 19:14

It also pissed me off that its been getting arranged for weeks, I’ve constantly heard the ins and outs of every detail, he equally shown me the invite which said 4-8pm, has gone on about some people just dropping in till 8 and the bar tab should last till then and then today (the day before) revealed that he was actually going on a big night out afterwards.

I don't know why you aren't absolutely furious. He is a cheeky fucker just assuming that you will look after his kids and then to keep rubbing it in your face about what a great night they're all going to have would be the final straw for me. You need to let him know how pissed off you are.

Choccyscofffy · 30/01/2025 19:26

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 19:21

He would usually swap or ask him mum so wrongly of me I just assumed that’s what would happen but no it didn’t

So this is on him to sort. Tell him you’re going and he needs to sort childcare for his kids.

Stand up for yourself, no one will do it for you.

HipToTheHopDontStop · 30/01/2025 19:25

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 19:23

why should I have to check weeks in advance if he has his kids? Surely that for him to check and then check with me if I am ok having them?

Yes. But he hasn't. So what are you going to do about it?

If you're going to complain here and then stay home minding his kids .....why?

Boredoutofmyhead · 30/01/2025 19:25

Monvelo · 30/01/2025 18:42

Yanbu assuming he had the pick of the dates.

He organised it,so I'd say yes he'd the pick of the dates

Crushgrape · 30/01/2025 19:25

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 19:23

why should I have to check weeks in advance if he has his kids? Surely that for him to check and then check with me if I am ok having them?

You’ve answered your own OP right here x

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 19:23

Crushgrape · 30/01/2025 19:21

This is what I can’t get my head around not one of them have mentioned who’s looking after the kids that night then? Obviously dad should be the one to think about it but I am confused as well as why OP suddenly only realised this today

why should I have to check weeks in advance if he has his kids? Surely that for him to check and then check with me if I am ok having them?

OP posts:
Crushgrape · 30/01/2025 19:22

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 19:21

He would usually swap or ask him mum so wrongly of me I just assumed that’s what would happen but no it didn’t

Ok then fair enough, he is really out of order expecting you to be the childcare. Waving the invite in your face discussing the plans then saying “you’re not invited you’re staying at home looking after my kids”

Gloriainextremis · 30/01/2025 19:22

SpringBunnyHopHop · 30/01/2025 18:54

In that case he doesn’t really have a lot of choice does he? It’s not all about when your partner is available. He probably had to pick the date the majority could attend.

He has his children to think of. Typically though, he's just organised the whole thing without taking them into consideration, and assumed the OP will look after them for him without even having the decency to ask her first.

Bloody entitled git if you ask me. I'd be livid.

Crushgrape · 30/01/2025 19:21

HipToTheHopDontStop · 30/01/2025 19:20

You do know he has the kids. So the next thing you should have said is "who have you arranged to have your kids? Because I'm obviously not available, I'll be at the party".

Most of AIBU is people spectacularly failing to communicate with their nearest and dearest.

Edited

This is what I can’t get my head around not one of them have mentioned who’s looking after the kids that night then? Obviously dad should be the one to think about it but I am confused as well as why OP suddenly only realised this today

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 19:21

HipToTheHopDontStop · 30/01/2025 19:20

You do know he has the kids. So the next thing you should have said is "who have you arranged to have your kids? Because I'm obviously not available, I'll be at the party".

Most of AIBU is people spectacularly failing to communicate with their nearest and dearest.

Edited

He would usually swap or ask him mum so wrongly of me I just assumed that’s what would happen but no it didn’t

OP posts:
HipToTheHopDontStop · 30/01/2025 19:20

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 19:17

To be honest hadn’t really thought about it and assumed I was invited until I realised yesterday I wasn’t when I asked him about it and he said I was welcome but I know he has the kids 🤷🏼‍♀️

Edited

You do know he has the kids. So the next thing you should have said is "who have you arranged to have your kids? Because I'm obviously not available, I'll be at the party".

Most of AIBU is people spectacularly failing to communicate with their nearest and dearest.

123ZYX · 30/01/2025 19:20

@BlueMum16 As it's only 4-8pm can his DC not be left with your DC so you can attend for a couple of hours?

I would suggest so that HE can attend for a couple of hours - OP doesn't have children that need childcare so can stay later if she likes

Crushgrape · 30/01/2025 19:18

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 19:17

To be honest hadn’t really thought about it and assumed I was invited until I realised yesterday I wasn’t when I asked him about it and he said I was welcome but I know he has the kids 🤷🏼‍♀️

Edited

Did you not ask at the time when you saw the invite that’s your night you’ve got your kids isn’t it?