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Original poster

Concerns about DSD

24 replies

HilberttheHippo · 30/01/2025 16:48

DSD is 14, my DH and his wife split when she was 8 but continued to live together until she was 11, at this point she moved to her mums home country with her. She is homeschooled as she does a sport at international level which tends to involve travelling abroad every 3 weeks or so. My DH covers most costs for her, all the coaching costs, tutors for English, Spanish, French, Maths and Science. His ex sold her business when she moved and lives off that and he bought her out of the family home which bought her a new home in her home country. She doesn't work now as she homeschools (with the help of the tutors), helps coach her sport (with the help of an actual coach) and travels to all comps with her.

DSD had a competition last week and ended up injured, she is out from training for 2 weeks so it was decided she would come here for those two weeks and I am so concerned about her. I have 3 DC of my own who are 15, 17 and 19, so I am experienced with teens. I'll list my concerns

  1. She complained she was bored and lonely, I suggested she facetime some friends and she said "I don't have many really and they are still training so we'd have nothing to talk about", I read this as she has no real friends, just people who also do her sports.
  2. She is very quiet, she walks around with airpods in all the time. We make her eat with family but she never ever speaks, just eats (ridiculously slowly), then asks to go to her room.
  3. My 15 year old DD told me they were chatting about boys and DSD told her she had already lost her virginity, I mentioned this to DH, he says he mentioned it to her mum who said "that's not possible" and basically said she was clearly lying to my DD.
  4. If we can get her to chat, all she talks about is her sport, whether it be competing, training, her goals or what is going on in the sport more generally. It feels like she has no other interests even though she is talented in many ways (beautiful singer, plays piano, enjoys other sports or at least used to)
  5. DD has invited her out with her friends, just to go shopping or walk around a museum but she has said no every time. Other than for her physio appointments she hasn't left the house in 8 days.

We only see her maybe 6 weeks of the year as her mum claims time out from training will damage her future, but this is out of character from the last time we seen her in October. It feels like she is depressed.

AIBU to be worried? I've mentioned it to DH and he says "she can't train she will be upset and that is just the life of a junior athlete".

OP posts:
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LondonLawyer · 31/01/2025 13:09

It's good you are concerned about her. I imagine as well as the injury and frustration, you, her Dad and your children are all doing their normal stuff, work, school, etc, and she's probably feeling like a spare wheel? That's not your fault, but she might be feeling a bit out of sync.

PassingStranger · 31/01/2025 12:38

Your gossiping with your daughter about SD virginity.
Really, what's it got to do with you and why are you discussing it that's odd.

DonnyBurrito · 31/01/2025 12:36

HilberttheHippo · 31/01/2025 11:56

I think she is quite close to her mum, but it has become standard for her to join us on "down weeks" usually they fall when we are on holiday though. DH goes to visit her and goes to comps sometimes the rest of the year but as her coach is based in her mums country she can't really come here or spend time with us if she is meant to be training. This is the first time she has been injured to the point of not training at all though for 2 weeks, obviously we weren't expecting this and my kids are at school so she has a lot of time alone which usually wouldn't be the case.

Show quote history

Hmm. Still probably would have been better for her to recover at home... Is she passive about her life, or does she know what she likes/wants/feels and knows how to communicate those things effectively?
Sounds like she's under a lot of pressure and is expected to handle a lot, either way. So I don't think your maternal Spidey sense is totally off the mark with her.

The thing that stuck out to me most was the lying about having sex/having sex without her mum having any clue. That would indicate to me that there's more going on that meets the eye.

Original poster
HilberttheHippo · 31/01/2025 11:56

DonnyBurrito · 31/01/2025 10:38

Poor thing, why did her mother ship her off when she would most likely benefit from being at home to recover, surrounded by her own things in the comfort of her own home with her primary caregiver? Sounds like her mother isn't very maternal... That's a shame. If DSD is lying to your DD to impress her, she can't have very high self esteem. On the other hand, if she is actually having sex and her mother says it's 'impossible' (lol) then they aren't close at all, or her mum has got her blinkers on. Either way, that teenager sounds like she is very much on her own.
I think you're right that it is likely more than just the injury, and have painted a picture of a teenager with little warmth or emotional support in her life.

I think she is quite close to her mum, but it has become standard for her to join us on "down weeks" usually they fall when we are on holiday though. DH goes to visit her and goes to comps sometimes the rest of the year but as her coach is based in her mums country she can't really come here or spend time with us if she is meant to be training. This is the first time she has been injured to the point of not training at all though for 2 weeks, obviously we weren't expecting this and my kids are at school so she has a lot of time alone which usually wouldn't be the case.

OP posts:
DonnyBurrito · 31/01/2025 10:38

Poor thing, why did her mother ship her off when she would most likely benefit from being at home to recover, surrounded by her own things in the comfort of her own home with her primary caregiver? Sounds like her mother isn't very maternal... That's a shame. If DSD is lying to your DD to impress her, she can't have very high self esteem. On the other hand, if she is actually having sex and her mother says it's 'impossible' (lol) then they aren't close at all, or her mum has got her blinkers on. Either way, that teenager sounds like she is very much on her own.
I think you're right that it is likely more than just the injury, and have painted a picture of a teenager with little warmth or emotional support in her life.

Satsumamandarin · 31/01/2025 10:34

She sounds really lonely and she's been though a lot the past 3 years with having to move to a different country and homeschooled (so hasn't had the chance to make friends other than at sports clubs). She's probably miserable because she's injured and doesn't have friends. I'm also not surprised she's stopped being chatty with your daughter. Your step daughter told your daughter a secret, who then shared it with you and then you shared it with her mum and dad. Anything she says or does will be reported back to her mum and dad.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 31/01/2025 10:33

So it is good you are concerned incase something is wrong. But it could be that injury is what is wrong; it’s not surprising that she would feel down.

the virginity topic seems like a whole drama with you and then her dad and then her mum being told. After that I can see why she might not be interested in hanging out with your daughter and friends.

can you try and do something alone with her or her/your daughter - spa day or go for lunch or something.

I would also focus on having your husband spend quality time with her - take her out for meals or cinema/other kind of event. It’s important she gets time with him away from the rest of the family.

YoungGunsHavingSomeFunCrazyLadiesKeepEmOnTheRun · 31/01/2025 10:28

I can see why she wouldn't want to spend time with your dd tbh, when she did the things she discussed were repeated back to her dad who then told her mum.

She sounds like a fairly normal teen who's injured, can't do the sport she loves, and has been spent to her dad's with the expectation she's going to fit nicely into a family she's not really a part of.

vivainsomnia · 31/01/2025 10:26

Of course it will be her injury getting her down. I feel depressed if I can't do sport for a week, and I'm old and nowhere near very good at any!

Jellycatspyjamas · 31/01/2025 10:22

Would it not be more worrying if she wasn’t down, given the circumstances. She’s had an injury, isn’t able to train and is away from her home and everything that’s familiar to her. I’d not expect her to be taking that all in her stride. It’s great that you’re looking out for her and trying to show her care and concern, but it sounds like a human response to what’s happening to her.

Original poster
HilberttheHippo · 31/01/2025 10:12

Eenameenadeeka · 30/01/2025 22:16

Does she love her sport, or do you feel like it's more driven by her mum? Because I think it's normal that she'd feel down about being injured and miss training if thats what she loves doing.

I think she does love it, so it may just be that the injury is getting her down, you're right.

OP posts:
Eenameenadeeka · 30/01/2025 22:16

Does she love her sport, or do you feel like it's more driven by her mum? Because I think it's normal that she'd feel down about being injured and miss training if thats what she loves doing.

BlueSilverCats · 30/01/2025 22:11

It doesn't sound great but, and this is big but, this is the life of a future pro athlete. To get to that level, you eat, sleep and dream the sport. There's no room for anything else , because it's so intense. It's also why an injury and being out (even for a short while) can be extremely devastating.

Does she have a plan B? Just in case? If not, I'd just focus on that mostly (probably best coming from her dad) and you just keep it light and breezy.

Msmoonpie · 30/01/2025 17:42

Maybe she’s quiet because things she has said get repeated back to her mother ?

Dror · 30/01/2025 17:40

Why did your husband not prevent her being moved to another country?
He's not really a parent, only having the child as a visitor a few weeks a year.

I imagine she feels uncomfortable having to be around her father's new family who she can't know well after visiting for a year or two?

Crazycatlady79 · 30/01/2025 17:26

Of course she's out of sorts: she is injured; can't train; has been shipped off to her Dad's.
Poor kid.

FoxtonFoxton · 30/01/2025 17:24

It's incredibly intense being in the professional athlete world. It's your entire life. I'd imagine being injured is not only boring, but very worrying for her and that it's really playing on her mind. It's shocking how quickly an injury can take everything away instantly and it can be very mentally tough to deal with that.

hazelnutvanillalatte · 30/01/2025 17:13

YANBU to be looking out for her - lovely and refreshing on a stepparent thread. Could you invite her/her and DD out to get your nails done or do something else nice together? Or if she's not up for it, ask her to help prepare dinner together or other things that might allow you to talk and offer support to her.

Rickrolypoly · 30/01/2025 17:02

She probably feels uncomfortable with you and your daughters. You cant know each other that well if she was living at home with both parents only 3 years ago and now she lives in another country.

Catza · 30/01/2025 17:02

Normal behaviour for a junior athlete, I would say. I worked with a few who left sport due to injury and they absolutely struggle with loss of identity so I am not surprised she is feeling down when she is not training.

festivemouse · 30/01/2025 17:01

Is she feeling down because she's injured and has been shipped off to spend the downtime with you? I don't know any athletes who welcome being injured. Add to that being sent to her dads house where there's a whole other happy family she now needs to try to integrate with whilst recovering from an injury and from the outside it seems quite obvious why she is down.

Original poster
HilberttheHippo · 30/01/2025 16:58

TangerineClementine · 30/01/2025 16:57

Is she really good at her sport, good enough to potentially become a professional? Because if so, I think it's not uncommon among athletes of that standard to have lives that revolve around their sport (including their social lives). I agree with you it's a bit of a shame and she is missing out on normal teen stuff, but if it's her choice and she loves it then what can you do?

Yes she is really good and on the pathway to go pro, she trains around 4-5 hours a day normally. She just seems so down though.

OP posts:
TangerineClementine · 30/01/2025 16:57

Is she really good at her sport, good enough to potentially become a professional? Because if so, I think it's not uncommon among athletes of that standard to have lives that revolve around their sport (including their social lives). I agree with you it's a bit of a shame and she is missing out on normal teen stuff, but if it's her choice and she loves it then what can you do?

ExtraOnions · 30/01/2025 16:55

Maybe she’s just quiet, and is happy in her own company. All teenagers are different.