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Original poster

Boyfriend has gotten ex girlfriend pregnant and wants me to keep things quiet about our relationship

358 replies

Chanjh25 · 30/01/2025 12:20

I’m posting this here to be told straight basically as I don’t really have any family and friends that know what’s going on in my life so please just tell me how it is Hi girls I really need some advice because I feel honestly crazy here
So me and my boyfriend have been together almost 3 years we split up a few months back for 2-3 months but was in contact with eachother throughout and had slept together a few times still..
To then for us to decide to sort things out properly things was good for a few days until I found out he had slept with his ex.. didn’t mention anything to me but when I found out said he was ‘honestly going to tell me’ was acting off anyway before I found out accusing me of not being trust worthy and that I’m acting ‘shifty’ turned out to just be him.. to then a couple of weeks later he wants to tell me something SHES PREGNANT… she still loves him and is infatuated with him and I’ve told him he’s just relit an old flame in her and she just won’t leave him alone she’s become abusive to me too.. now I was willing to forgive him and try to get over everything that’s happened (the self esteem is clearly next level for me isn’t it😑)
So again we tried again but he’s telling her we aren’t together and wants me to stay quiet about us as he has kids with her and she’ll ‘ruin his life’ so I found out yday he’s been telling her we aren’t together so obvs I’ve hit the roof and now ‘I’m done your crazy’ bla bla bla AM I BEING MANIPULATED cuz I also feel like I’m the bad person right now 😭😭😭 he’s saying that the reason why he doesn’t want her to know just yet is because of the stuff she says and causes but also so that we can have time to ‘bond’ again just any advice 😭

OP posts:
SlightlyJaded · 30/01/2025 19:31

Look.

I'm going to be honest. Every time you post, it's a bit of a 'he said this / he did that / I feel this/ they were together / they weren't together / we were on a break / he keeps doing this / he keeps doing that / but he swore he loves me / but he told me it has to be a secret, and on and on and round and round.

Honestly? None of that matters. It really doesn't.

He is about to become a father again
He is not 'yours'
You are not his priority
And you deserve better.

You need to let it all go. All of it
All the he said / he did / but we... / he promised

All of it

Let
It
Go

Move on. It will be really fucking hard, but that is your only option. Everything else, every other possibility, is built on a fragile and unsteady web of lies, immature behaviour and doomed outcomes.

You say you've had an awful childhood and that you need therapy. I'm sorry you had to live that and you DESERVE to have the therapy and stop the cycle of abuse. Please please just focus on that. Everything else is just noise.

minipie · 30/01/2025 19:18

You are going to be SO MUCH HAPPIER when you ditch him and all this crap stops going round in your head. You are not crazy for wanting better treatment you should absolutely insist on better… from someone else.

IhadaStripeyDeckchair · 30/01/2025 19:18

Come on! Wake up & smell the coffee!

He's in a relationship with her

You are his "bit on the side" & will be dumped as soon as she finds out

Dump him and leave without a backwards glance & your head held high

Original poster
Chanjh25 · 30/01/2025 19:09

2025willbemytime · 30/01/2025 19:01

If you know what to do why do you need strangers to validate your decision? Part of being an adult is also trusting yourself to know what is best for you.

Block his number.
Delete his number.
Get some therapy.
Stay single for a while.

It's nice to have other peoples opinions especially when the only other person I've had to speak to is him

OP posts:
Original poster
Chanjh25 · 30/01/2025 19:07

Also to add I think with having no stable relationships in my life such as friendships has contributed towards my negligence of seeing this for what it is, a talk or someone else's opinion of your situation really does help these comments have helped me, only having his opinion of things and no one else as no one knows about my personal life other then my younger sister but I don't wanna come to her about issues she's dealing with herself (in no way similar but not the best relationship) and feeling like your putting so much on to someone isn't a nice feeling but neither is being trapped in your own head been giving the silent treatment and no answers has caused me to not think logically and believe in the things he has been saying to me

OP posts:
Normallynumb · 30/01/2025 19:03

You've already split before, so make it permanent now
Life's too short for this drama
Other men are available.

Alucard55 · 30/01/2025 19:02

Chanjh25 · 30/01/2025 18:51

No I have gone back and fourth...
But I know I'm done hence why I needed a second opinion as I don't have a decent stable person in my life to turn too tbh

Show quote history

You've got plenty options here and everyone is telling you to leave him. Leave him or stay with him the choice is yours.

2025willbemytime · 30/01/2025 19:01

If you know what to do why do you need strangers to validate your decision? Part of being an adult is also trusting yourself to know what is best for you.

Block his number.
Delete his number.
Get some therapy.
Stay single for a while.

Fencehedge · 30/01/2025 18:58

Chanjh25 · 30/01/2025 18:55

Yeah I might not know what actual life is because I've never really bad it but ive gave proper love so don't tell me I don't know what life is because I do I pour it out of my cup and leave myself empty every time, I know I need to work on myself and allow but I have loved 2 people in my whole entire life with everything I have, nothing I wouldn't of done for them. I left a bad relationship once I'll do it again. This is why I stayed on my own for so long because I know I can fall victim to these sort of shitshows and tbh was living my best fucking life being single doing whatever and who ever I want

Show quote history

I recommend therapy. Giving everything of yourself away in the hope it'll be reciprocated, isn't it either. You just become more diminished and punished. They don't care.

All the best, you're making the right decision. Rise above it. x

Original poster
Chanjh25 · 30/01/2025 18:57

Comment above I meant LOVE not 'life'

OP posts:
Original poster
Chanjh25 · 30/01/2025 18:55

Fencehedge · 30/01/2025 18:47

He doesn't love you. You don't love him. You don't know what love is. It isn't hormones or trauma bonding. It's an intelligent, thoughtful, committed decision based on mutual genuine respect.

You need to learn how to love yourself, properly.

Decide to say goodbye.

Yeah I might not know what actual life is because I've never really bad it but ive gave proper love so don't tell me I don't know what life is because I do I pour it out of my cup and leave myself empty every time, I know I need to work on myself and allow but I have loved 2 people in my whole entire life with everything I have, nothing I wouldn't of done for them. I left a bad relationship once I'll do it again. This is why I stayed on my own for so long because I know I can fall victim to these sort of shitshows and tbh was living my best fucking life being single doing whatever and who ever I want

OP posts:
Original poster
Chanjh25 · 30/01/2025 18:51

Hopelesscase32 · 30/01/2025 18:40

This is one of those posts where the op is gonna go back and forth and not listen to anything anyone has to say , she's still gonna go back to him and before you know it she will be pregnant too

No I have gone back and fourth...
But I know I'm done hence why I needed a second opinion as I don't have a decent stable person in my life to turn too tbh

OP posts:
Original poster
Chanjh25 · 30/01/2025 18:50

BMW6 · 30/01/2025 18:39

Honestly the real Loser here is the one that continues to sleep with this utter Waste Of Space!

What an absolute shitshow.

I didn't know he was sleeping with her and haven't slept with him since she'd literally sleep with him a minute after me if she could
I'd never of slept with him knowing he'd slept with her and so recently so if ever!!

OP posts:
AcquadiP · 30/01/2025 18:50

Chanjh25 · 30/01/2025 18:33

I all ready do know how to spot the signs and see them from a mile off especially after my ex before him who I was with for along time and have his children..

He knew what mindset I was in when he got with me I was happy confident and strong minded and knew I would not be putting up with any bullshit yet here we are.. I don't know how we even got here tbh this has all happened in a matter of 30days but I found out he slept with her and then found out she was pregnant in a matter of a few days(she'd clearly gotten pregnant a time before I thought was the only time turned out to be 3 times) but all this was landed on me in space of 3/4 days one thing after the other as well as other personal things going on in my life and then expects me to keep things quiet either love me loudly or don't at all. Ive embarrassed myself for him and he's shown no mercy

Show quote history

You're right, there's a lot of angst here in a short space of time which will need processing.

You were a happy, confident person, no-shit person when you met him and you will be again.❤️

Original poster
Chanjh25 · 30/01/2025 18:48

catlesslady · 30/01/2025 13:17

He sounds like the sort of man who initially makes you feel amazing but then gradually undermines your self esteem until you feel you have no choice but to put up with his shitty behaviour. It's not your fault- they can be very convincing and when you're feeling low it's hard to see a way out other than trying to change yourself and/or be more accommodating in the hope that if you try hard enough they will go back to being the seemingly lovely person you first met. You need to cut contact with him completely and in time you will see that you do not love the person he actually is, you loved the person that he pretended to be to reel you in. In time you will regain your self esteem and wonder why on earth you even considered being with this weasel.

You are probably not the first person he has done this to. His ex probably feels the same way. When you broke up he may have told her it was because he wanted her back and he probably told her that you are the crazy ex who won't let him go. What he wants now is to be able to play happy families with the ex for a while but with you as a secret on the side. He may even want to convince the ex that they are back together as a family so that she goes ahead with the pregnancy, making her more reliant on him. No doubt if you let him he will eventually come back to you for a while (probably when the mother of his new baby is too tired to run around after him) but he will never treat you well and there will be others. You deserve more.

He says he doesn't want her to go along with the pregnancy but then agrees to night feeds..

He told her what they was doing was just sex she shown me all the messages on New Year's Day 🙃 was a lovely little opening for a new year.. he's told her from the beginning of us splitting that it's just sex and that's it she agreed. So he didn't try and cover his own back by doing that but I've said to him he's relit that old flame in her now and he can't sleep with her knowing she still loves him and expects her to not throw a bitch fit when she knows we are back together. What I'm not doing is hiding in the shadows and being treat like someone's dirty little secret to save faces I'm not willing to do that but he's still gone and done it. Why should me being a fully grown adult have to keep something from someone's ex? Why should I have to lie if asked? I want my relationship to be public im not having an affair ffs so what am I hiding about? He just needs to grow a pair and tell her to get fucked and it's not about her but her sorry ass is now pregnant and she's choosing to keep it and I ain't being involved in no weird ass triangle soap opera.. it's giving baggage.. he doesn't want me because if he did he wouldn't expect me to lie if he truly wanted me she'd all ready know her place, couldn't imagine showing him he's second to me with anybody

OP posts:
Fencehedge · 30/01/2025 18:47

He doesn't love you. You don't love him. You don't know what love is. It isn't hormones or trauma bonding. It's an intelligent, thoughtful, committed decision based on mutual genuine respect.

You need to learn how to love yourself, properly.

Decide to say goodbye.

Lefthanddownnumberone · 30/01/2025 18:41

Justsayit123 · 30/01/2025 12:21

DUMP HIM!!!!!

Get rid of this lying using cheating scumbag and get a better life.

This good luck to him and her - enough your new life

Hopelesscase32 · 30/01/2025 18:40

This is one of those posts where the op is gonna go back and forth and not listen to anything anyone has to say , she's still gonna go back to him and before you know it she will be pregnant too

BMW6 · 30/01/2025 18:39

Honestly the real Loser here is the one that continues to sleep with this utter Waste Of Space!

What an absolute shitshow.

Original poster
Chanjh25 · 30/01/2025 18:39

ginasevern · 30/01/2025 12:52

I've got some advice. Stop shitting on another woman who also happens to be the mother of his children. You're as much a part of this lowlife's lying and cheating as he is.

How have I shitted on her in my eyes they was OVER I episode of never of bothered with him if I knew different, it's only as she's come out pregnant is she declaring her love for him

OP posts:
Original poster
Chanjh25 · 30/01/2025 18:37

Kitchensinktoday · 30/01/2025 18:31

This has a touch of Kyle Walker about this one.

Definitely

Oh I just googled the football player I'm not all familiar with the story what's the resemblance?

OP posts:
Original poster
Chanjh25 · 30/01/2025 18:36

Kitchensinktoday · 30/01/2025 18:31

This has a touch of Kyle Walker about this one.

Definitely

Who's Kyle walker I'm sure someone else mentioned him

OP posts:
Original poster
Chanjh25 · 30/01/2025 18:35

BellissimoGecko · 30/01/2025 18:33

Yeah there was many reasons why we split the main one was because I felt invisible to him he'd give me the silent treatment constantly for no reason, barely spoke to me touched me or was engaging

Then why the ever loving FUCK would you even consider going back to him?????

Cuz I'm a dumb bitch

OP posts:
Original poster
Chanjh25 · 30/01/2025 18:33

AcquadiP · 30/01/2025 17:49

When you were a little girl and growing up, you were deserving of a loving, stable, supportive home life. Clearly, you were deprived of that and suffered some bloody awful things.

The trouble is that type of background distorts what we perceive as normal, acceptable behaviour and usually means we grow up with inadequate boundaries.

NONE of this is your fault.

You were a child then and had no agency; whereas you are an adult now and you are in charge of your life.

Look up articles on setting healthy boundaries. Also, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). There are hundreds of articles online for both - read and absorb.
(I'm not saying btw your ex has NPD but he does have some strong narcissistic traits.)

Once you've done that, you'll be able to spot a narcissistic twat at 100 paces; and your boundaries will be so strong, he wouldn't stand a chance with you anyway. X

I all ready do know how to spot the signs and see them from a mile off especially after my ex before him who I was with for along time and have his children..

He knew what mindset I was in when he got with me I was happy confident and strong minded and knew I would not be putting up with any bullshit yet here we are.. I don't know how we even got here tbh this has all happened in a matter of 30days but I found out he slept with her and then found out she was pregnant in a matter of a few days(she'd clearly gotten pregnant a time before I thought was the only time turned out to be 3 times) but all this was landed on me in space of 3/4 days one thing after the other as well as other personal things going on in my life and then expects me to keep things quiet either love me loudly or don't at all. Ive embarrassed myself for him and he's shown no mercy

OP posts:
BellissimoGecko · 30/01/2025 18:33

Yeah there was many reasons why we split the main one was because I felt invisible to him he'd give me the silent treatment constantly for no reason, barely spoke to me touched me or was engaging

Then why the ever loving FUCK would you even consider going back to him?????

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