To tell my friend why we don't want to come to the swanky members club

I find this kind of reverse snobbery as bad as the usual straightforward kind. It is prejudging people based on what you assume they will be like. In reality there is a wide range of people in any given social setting: some will be halfwits, others will be worth talking to and/or quite lovely. But OP, you should leave your OH at home if he can't be gracious -- and go yourself if you want to.

Exactly, I think your husband can suck it up and get over his discomfort for one evening, I’m sure it couldn’t be all bad, if ye are going for dinner ye will be sitting down for most of the evening anyway not swanning about.
Ye can leave soon after the dinner if ye want

DH and I were invited a few years ago to a very exclusive private gentlemen's club in a roughly work-related context that made it difficult to say "don't fancy it", and our host was all, "I know it's tricky with babysitters! You tell me the date, any is fine!". So we mildly resentfully used up a babysitting favour (DS2 was then very young) and went.

DH definitely doesn't find St James' gentlemen's clubs his idea of fun, and it isn't mine either, but he didn't whinge, and viewed it as an anthropological observation evening instead. And politely declined when asked if he wished to explore joining himself. TBF, if he did splash out thousands of pounds a year on a men-only club he'd find himself with an ex not current partner, sharpish, but it's not his idea of fun either.

Can't DH see it as something he might not choose of his own volition, but a novel experience that is always worth taking up?

Or this! If that's honestly how you feel, that you'd rather do something else.

Ah fair enough...for some reason I'd got the idea they're close friends! I just assumed they're close enough where you could've told them it's not his thing but you'd still like to go.

Hmmm ok I don't know what I'd do then... probably just go and thank DH for sucking it up for my sake. I wouldn't let it bring me down though, although that's easier said than done I guess!

But I’m not sure how that would stop you saying, as a PP suggested, “Honestly, it wouldn’t be my husband’s cup of tea, but I’d love it! Shall we do it as a girls’ night?”

I don’t think you should go as it sounds like you don’t like your friends that much. Maybe they are being twatty now they are ‘flash’ and ‘swanning’ around but they are still including you in their new life and want to buy lunch for your birthday. I doubt that would be the case if they knew you were judging them.

If my husband didn't want to go somewhere like that, I would be honest with my friend and say it's not his cup of tea but let's just go together one night without him.

As soon as you said that your DH wouldn’t fancy it the whole of MN’s decision was to go on the offensive.
The general consensus is spend the evening with a bunch of pretentious twats rather than with your DH.
Only on MN.
😉😁😁.

Hmm, I don't see the issue of making an effort one day out of 365 if that's what you want to do.

Goodness me, you really do have a massive chip on your shoulder about what others have. And about your friends and their wealth.

i don’t think either of you should go.

Go! Tell your DH to concentrate on you, your friends, and the dinner, and ignore the swanky posers! You can have a laugh about them afterwards.

What is swanky club?🤔

It’s such a weird assumption to make that that’s what members clubs are like. And the irony - he’s a terribly inverted snob, because he thinks other people are snobs.

Can he not just put his big boy pants on for one night for his wife whose birthday it is?

We have this issue crop up a few times a year, with various friends. We're all similarly well off, but we choose to prioritise different things: if we go away with our children for a long weekend, say 3 families of 4 in a big airbnb, no we don't want to pay a private chef for $100/head/meal, we're quite happy with sandwiches or a BBQ and making toast for breakfast. No, I don't want to meet you for dinner at your new Aman members' club, it'll be too noisy and dark and I actually want to talk to you and enjoy my food rather than focus on my clothes and make-up and who else is there and sit at a table that's too small for my plate but is beautiful.

I spent around a decade dodging the issue, making excuses etc. Now, I just don't care what anyone thinks of me, but I'll never be rude. In this situation I would thank my friend for the kind offer, say it's very generous of them, but I've been wanting to try xyz restaurant for ages and honestly it's my birthday and I want to treat them - all of that would be true (there's always somewhere new I want to try, they're friends so I'd want to spend time with them, and I always pay on my birthday).

Soho House? If so tell DH it's basically an upmarket Wetherspoons

@hursty900you said you quite fancy it. For that reason you should go. Why can't you go on your own?

Could be an issue he keeps private OP.

Maybe worried about the cost, and what he would be owing in return? Or feeling obliged to pay for everything as they have already brought you both into their swanky off- limits paradise to 'enjoy'.

Fearful of your friends wanting to introduce him to people he has no wish to talk to, and nor do they, it's purely for their 'swanning about' showing off tendencies, and he fears being expected to be grateful and enthusiastic?

Prior substance use that he might fear being pressured or cajoled into partaking in again in a certain environment?

He knows people who frequent said establishment, and has no desire to encounter them?

Fear of being exposed as lacking in some way, eg table manners, conversation, not being in control?

As you say OP, without knowing the people involved it's impossible to say here. It could be so many things.

Just to be more explicit - utter garbage! If they've been together any length of time the OP is already going to know full well, what sort of things her partner does and doesn't like.

This is exactly what we would do as well. Go for the nose

If you fancy going, and you say that you do, I would expect your DH to suck it up for one evening, put a brave face on and make the best of it. Would you do it if roles were reversed, I bet you would. You never know he might’ve enjoy it if he goes in with the right attitude. Even if he views it as an anthropological experience to see what it is like.