To tell my friend why we don't want to come to the swanky members club

Just say it’s not your cup of tea and that this XYZ other place is.

Or you could go and get it and leave early. Better to exercise your principles though, and not get sucked in to others tastes just to be polite.

I'm gonna guess this is an invite to Soho House? 😅

If so, it's actually lovely there. Nobody "swans around"; it's actually frowned upon. You can't take photos in there and it's expected you keep yourself to yourself. The service is absolutely excellent, and the food too.

Just accept the offer and go try it out. You lose nothing. I think you'd find you have a lovely time; and the staff will work hard to make sure you do!

He sounds very judgemental and determined not to experience different things. Go on your own with your friends and take him for a pie and peas night at the local WMC.

Just go and enjoy, your friends have invited you so dont be so reliant on what others think and have a fun evening. It is Your Birthday
I was married to a guy like your, lovely, but he stopped me doing so much.

Have a Very Happy Birthday!

More like potato dauphinois at the club…

You go, DH has a migraine, Bob's your uncle.

I also dislike these places and dislike fancy restaurants but tbh your friends are trying to be nice and treat you so I think you and your DH should just suck it up and be grateful tbh. It's only one night and you're spending time with your friends which must be a good thing.

I'm not surprised you're going to shut the thread down OP, in spite of my earlier post, and your agreeing that it was spot on, people have still continued to shred your DH's personality, they clearly haven't read the post, and don't give a stuff about their own partners. I hope you have a fab birthday WITH your DH!😄

Honestly if you like the idea, then either husband sucks it up for one night (it would be my idea of Hell, but if my husband wanted to do something like this, I'd grit my teeth for one night), or you go for the honest "I'd love to, but it's not really husband's scene, so he's happy to stay at home" (if they are good enough friends they won't mind, and you've described them as "my friend", not "our friend"

If you do decide to go, make sure you and DH have a game of Bullshit Bingo lined up so you can share a giggle with each other every time someone says or does something ridiculously (s)wanky.

I do wonder if your declaration of being “comfortably off” would be others definition of comfortably off, and as that covers a huge range of financial situations.

And I wonder this as your wording is very telling, the swanky, swanning, conspicuous and vacuous displays of wealth, wannabes, the put downs of your own friends and their immense wealth. tells me there is something here hidden you don’t wish to reveal, coupled with your focus on money and how much others have. But blaming your husband,

I think your husband sounds like the judgemental one here. You’re having dinner, you don’t have to gawp at all the other wealthy diners. If you don’t like the couple, then it’s unfair to carry on pretending to be friends and going out with them. If your husband can’t just sit and enjoy a meal with his wife (and supposed friends), for one night, he sounds a bit of an arse.

I hope you are both strong enough to carry those sacks of chips on your shoulders.

there's the potential for irritation pretty much everywhere you go, though?
in this venue there's the "vacuous & conspicuous displays of wealth", somewhere else there could be screaming kids, or long delays on food or weirdly loud music that makes it hard to talk...

perhaps I'm just a cheapskate but presuming them inviting you out is them offering to pay, then there aren't many venues that I'd find so annoying (or assume would be so annoying as it seems like neither you nor your DH have ever even been to this place and are basing it all on assumptions!) I wouldn't appreciate a free meal and the company of friends.

And if the sexes were reversed ….it would 100% be you don’t have to go to some awful place you don’t want to etc. There would be none if this “just suck it up” for the female.

Anyway, I think he’s entirely within his rights to not want to go to some godawful members club and he doesn’t have to ‘suck it up.’ I adore my husband but wild horses wouldn’t drag me to one again. We have a few friends who are members of a couple - SoHo House, the O&C in particular and they are absolutely fucking awful places full of awful people. I’m gobsmacked they like them and can’t see how cringy they are.

I don't think you can tell them because how do you say that in a nice way lol
'No thank you, we don't want to hang out with wannabes'

I would just say you don’t fancy that as it’s not your cup of tea and suggest you go out to a nice normal restaurant instead.

Well first you need to decide whether YOU want to go or not. It's your birthday. You could even go without him.

But if on balance you'd rather not, I think all you need to do is to say thank you, but you'd prefer an evening an X (restaurant, bar etc of your choice) for your birthday instead. I dont think you need to dwell on exactly why your DH really hates the idea.

People are probably picking up things that you are now saying you didn't mean because of the way you wrote it!

If you'd just said 'My friends have invited us to X but neither DH nor I really want to go, what's the best way to refuse without offending them?' then you might have got more helpful responses.

But you literally said that you did "quite fancy it" and the only reason you gave for not going was because your DH didn't want to.
So of course people are going to respond telling you to do something you've said you want to do for your own birthday rather than denying yourself because god forbid your DH be mildly inconvenienced for an hour or two. He doesn't have to "be impressed by vacuous displays of wealth" he only has to sit there without a face like a slapped arse (and "physically cringing"🙄) while enjoying a free meal!

You can't complain about people's responses when they are based on the information YOU provided!

tbh regardless of the place, it sounds like your friends are basically just inviting you for a meal out, and, to me, it does sound a bit excessive for your DH to not suck it up for, what, two, three hours. They're your friends, presumably you like spending time with them, the food should be nice, it's hardly water torture!
Or just go alone and do something else with DH. It doesn't have to be the 'main' or only thing you do to celebrate your birthday, you can do whatever else as well.

Your friends have been kind enough to invite you out for your birthday and you've taken that as an opportunity to be snide and judgemental about them online while pretending to sincerely ask whether you should say to them: "no we don't want to go because it sucks and you suck".

Ok YABU.

I'm not impressed by vacuous displays of wealth either, but when DH was invited, because of his work, to an evening reception at a polo farm followed by an evening at Les Ambassadeurs, I went along with it with a good grace, despite the hosts being properly ghastly, and distributed my winning among a bunch of rough sleepers on the Strand on the way home..

This is why people think your OH is a 'massive twat' because he's making your birthday all about him:

he hates all that that stands for... it makes him physically cringe and he'd hate every minute there. He's said he'd tolerate it if I want to go, but knowing how he'll feel it won't be very enjoyable and I would much rather go somewhere else

You say yourself that he is going to wreck your enjoyment of your own birthday. That is being a twat.

I am a bit like your hubby when it comes to that kind of event. I get a bit judgy and I don't really know why. I suppose I often feel a bit out of place. However after those events I often feel I have had a fairly good time

However it's your night and your DH has said that he would put up with it if you wanted to go. So, I think you should ask yourself if you would like to do it. And, if so, then go. It's only one night.

Can´t you just go without DH? Everyone happy!

You're not joined at the hip and will have your own celebration with your own friends etc.

I invite friends to such a club occasionally as I think it would be a lovely treat (free dinner, relaxing drinks in a beautiful garden) and the traction isn't as good as I'd like so I guess now I know the reason! I do think your friends are being lovely though, they're not looking to show off, they're simply looking to offer you an experience that they think is nicer and more special/ personal than booking a standard restaurant.

If it's Soho House your DH is nbu. If you want to go though it's your birthday and he has offered to tolerate it...