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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you find this weird or am I being selfish?

145 replies

Onebabygirl · 30/01/2025 10:40

If you had an ex-boyfriend who you still thought fondly of, keep in touch with occasionally - (milestone birthdays, birth of respective children, death of parents etc) as he’s still friends with my brothers so I know some of what is going on in his life - no romantic feelings left on either side, but together on and off for over 12 years from ages 18-30 (now both in our 40’s so not been together for more than 10 years) lots of shared history but just naturally grew apart, how would you feel if you found out there was a chance he and your sister have been dating? Nothing confirmed as yet as part of me doesn’t want to ask because I don’t want to know, and maybe, because he was part of the family for so long they’re just hanging out as friends/a brotherly relationship.

YABU - they’re both single, you’re no longer together, why shouldn’t they be together and have a chance of happiness?

YANBU - that’s a bit icky, there’s plenty of other people out there to date.

OP posts:
WhatFreshHellisThese · 30/01/2025 12:25

If l was your sister l wouldn't be dating your ex

Simplynotsimple · 30/01/2025 12:25

meh2025 · 30/01/2025 12:16

This has been circling around in my head for the last ten minutes, getting ready to go out, and I know I said I was going and I really am now 😋

The OP is not feeling "weird" she is feeling jealous.

She still considers her ex to be "her" ex.

She likes the idea that he still carries a small flame for her, that she was the biggest love of his life, and that she can safely have an intimate relationship with another man who still fancies and loves her, while never actually cheating on her husband.

Now, that intimate relationship will stop. Her sister will replace her in his affections. She will possibly be unfavourably compared to her sister who will usurp her in his affections, and she still holds a little torch for him.

She also stated she felt upset at the idea that they secretly fancied each other all those years ago.

Most things are just as simple as they seem to be, it's not difficult or complicated at all. It's just old fashioned jealousy. Nothing to be ashamed of, really, but definitely will cause the OP problems if she can't move on.

And you said I was being dramatic! At least I understood why the op felt weird about it. Rather than making huge mental gymnastics about her thinking she owns her ex. It’s obviously nothing to do with it being her ex and everything about someone she had a serious relationship with dating a close family member. Some things in life should be kept separate, sharing a man is one of them.

Unrepentantfarter · 30/01/2025 12:24

Simplynotsimple · 30/01/2025 11:47

It doesn’t matter if it’s been 50 years, it’s about in the people involved. Dating the OP’s sister after many years of being intimate with her regardless of no feelings between the two of them now, is hurtful. The op has said she’s cried to her sister about the relationship she had and lost with this man, she has shared vulnerable moments about him and them. Yes those moments have long passed, but they still make up for the op’s lives experience. If it was just a fling between the op and this man I’d be more on the fence, but the entirety of her 20s was about her and him. It’s at the very least weird to move on to her sister.

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Yes, this!

MummyJ36 · 30/01/2025 12:20

Who are the posters saying this is ok?? Huge difference between an ex dating someone and you feeling weird but ultimately nothing to do with you and your ex dating your SISTER. Of all the people in the world they decided to choose each other? I find it weird and gross and don’t think you’d be unreasonable being upset / angry with both of them.

thatsalad · 30/01/2025 12:17

I would feel gross

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 30/01/2025 12:17

It's a funny one since you all grew up together and have independent relationships with him so to your sister he is more than just your ex. If she sees him as brother's friend, school friend, childhood friend in her own right then she may not have given any thought at all to him being your ex.

I8toys · 30/01/2025 12:16

Its odd

meh2025 · 30/01/2025 12:16

This has been circling around in my head for the last ten minutes, getting ready to go out, and I know I said I was going and I really am now 😋

The OP is not feeling "weird" she is feeling jealous.

She still considers her ex to be "her" ex.

She likes the idea that he still carries a small flame for her, that she was the biggest love of his life, and that she can safely have an intimate relationship with another man who still fancies and loves her, while never actually cheating on her husband.

Now, that intimate relationship will stop. Her sister will replace her in his affections. She will possibly be unfavourably compared to her sister who will usurp her in his affections, and she still holds a little torch for him.

She also stated she felt upset at the idea that they secretly fancied each other all those years ago.

Most things are just as simple as they seem to be, it's not difficult or complicated at all. It's just old fashioned jealousy. Nothing to be ashamed of, really, but definitely will cause the OP problems if she can't move on.

SunshineAndFizz · 30/01/2025 12:15

Jeremy Kyle vibes.

CeceliaImrie · 30/01/2025 12:12

I'd be pretty damn uncomfortable,

Zebedee999 · 30/01/2025 12:11

ThejoyofNC · 30/01/2025 10:43

I'd be extremely pissed off at both of them if an ex and a sister of mine got together. Really weird IMO.

I'm curious why? It's a decade+ ago What singles then get up to is up to them surely.

Createausername1970 · 30/01/2025 12:10

meh2025 · 30/01/2025 11:42

I was thinking that, she doesn't own her exes, none of us do. And ten years is a long time.

I think it's easy for anyone to say after ten years tbh, unless there's something under the surface she doesn't want to examine.

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You are very invested in this thread. Are you the sister?

Original poster
Onebabygirl · 30/01/2025 12:10

meh2025 · 30/01/2025 11:49

Anyway, you are being really weird about this and I hope you can get to the root of why you are being weird about it.

One last thing to consider, have you told your husband how weird it makes you feel? If not, why not? If so, what did he say?

I've got to go, won't see any more responses, ciao. (really do have to go now, ciao)

Edited

Yes, my husband is one of the people IRL who finds it weird and also understands why I might find it weird.

OP posts:
Nonaynevernomore · 30/01/2025 12:10

Prince Charles dated Diana’s sister first…..

Yeah it’s weird!

TheyCallMeMrsBug · 30/01/2025 12:09

It’s gross, I would be horrified if it were my ex and my sister.

I should not know what my siblings boyfriend tastes like. No man should have seen us both naked.

It would make me massively uncomfortable.

MissUltraViolet · 30/01/2025 12:07

I imagine a lot of the people saying it isn’t weird, get over it, the only reason you’d have an issue with this is if you still love him etc wouldn’t be as ok with their ex-boyfriend/ex-husband dating their sister as they are making out.

OP, it is weird and it’s completely reasonable that you feel odd about it. The fact that you were engaged makes it feel worse to me for some reason. Perhaps wouldn’t be as bad if he was just a random ex and it was a not very serious relationship of a couple years, but you have serious history with this man.

So, I get it.

Fishandchipsareyum · 30/01/2025 12:06

Onebabygirl · 30/01/2025 12:01

We don’t have children together. I am now married with children and he has a child with his ex.

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Thanks for clarification. It's still absolutely awful though. I feel sorry for you. I'd not be able to cope with this. It's not nice.

Createausername1970 · 30/01/2025 12:06

Onebabygirl · 30/01/2025 11:10

Sorry, I was trying to keep it vague so as not to be too outing, but I should have added that when we got back together for the last time from ages 29 to nearly 31 we were engaged. Also our periods of being together lasted between 4-5 years with separations of between 12-18 months in between, so quite a serious commitment.

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Ah!

I understand why you don't want to be too outing, but this update changes the whole vibe of your initial post.

Going out with someone I was engaged to? I wouldn't like that.

I would feel like my privacy had been violated.

Annettecurtaintwitcher · 30/01/2025 12:05

I mean, I get why it is weird for you but it has been 10 years so I think you should just let them get on with it.

Original poster
Onebabygirl · 30/01/2025 12:05

Simplynotsimple · 30/01/2025 11:47

It doesn’t matter if it’s been 50 years, it’s about in the people involved. Dating the OP’s sister after many years of being intimate with her regardless of no feelings between the two of them now, is hurtful. The op has said she’s cried to her sister about the relationship she had and lost with this man, she has shared vulnerable moments about him and them. Yes those moments have long passed, but they still make up for the op’s lives experience. If it was just a fling between the op and this man I’d be more on the fence, but the entirety of her 20s was about her and him. It’s at the very least weird to move on to her sister.

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Exactly this. He’s such a huge part of my past, my youth, my formative years. We lost our virginity to each other, went travelling together, shared hopes and dreams for the future together. I probably bitched about my sister to him! 🤣. I have absolutely no desire to be with this man, but he still holds a special place in my heart.

OP posts:
BunnyLake · 30/01/2025 12:04

I suppose if i think about my older son’s steady girlfriend breaking up with him and ten years later she’s dating his younger brother that would be weird. I mean it is a weird situation even though I’m a strong believer in people not owning people. It’s a hard one OP but you don’t know for a fact if they are actually dating.

Winter2020 · 30/01/2025 12:04

meh2025 · 30/01/2025 11:20

It's been ten years. The only reason to be upset is that you still have romantic feelings for him.

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I agree with this. If your romantic feelings for him are gone why do you give a toss what he does?

The main reason I wouldn't want to see certain exes with my sister is because they are bullies that would make her life a misery. A nice guy that would make her happy no problem.

Lulu89x · 30/01/2025 12:04

Sorry, this is just weird and disgusting. I don't care if its been 5 months, 5 years or 5 decades. There are 8 Billion people on this planet. There's nobody else other than the man that I've slept with?

Freshflower · 30/01/2025 12:03

I'd say that's a line neither of them should cross. But not a lot can be done to stop it if its something more between them. Very awkward though.

thepariscrimefiles · 30/01/2025 12:03

Onebabygirl · 30/01/2025 11:15

Definitely no torch holding going on. I’m happily married and would be happy for him (and my sister) to find love and settle down. It’s just the fact it is (potentially) with my sister which makes it feel a bit weird and which is why I asked the question as to whether this is a me problem or if others would feel the same.

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It does feel slightly incestuous (I know that it isn't really). It would make me wonder whether they had feelings for each other when we were together. I wouldn't like it but I would feel that I was being unreasonable.