To wonder why people don’t look after themselves

Would the nasty commenters be this awful about people with anorexia? Food addiction is the other side of the same coin. No, it’s not easy or simple to fix. It’s a severe mental health problem. Have some empathy.

Food, specifically ultra high processed food, is now known to be highly addictive. Add that to his trauma and you may well have your answer.
I really feel for him 😔

I have been where he is, secret eating was the worst but always feeling desperate to lose weight and always starting tomorrow but tomorrow never came. I could just eat and eat.

The crutch came when I developed gallstones and I had to change how I ate. I have now lost over 3 stone but feel scared about keeping it off.
I also keep thinking I am nearly 50 and I don't want to be a drain on the NHS that I have worked in for the last 25 years! So this does spur me to eat more healthy. I do love a plate of veg and gravy but I also love crisps and toast.

I still prefer to eat alone which is something I need to tackle.

@AzurePanda

Yes, of course it's hard, especially at certain age.
But such people are healthier, have self respect and discipline.
But hey, people can inject themselves now and become "skinny"!

Sometimes irreversible damage is done in the foundation years, when he should have been emotionally nurtured and looked after he was neglected. Food provides a substitute, especially if this was also limited, this will have compounded this pattern.

Weight loss injections have worked wonders for this group. He will find other strategies to help manage his feelings as food will be so unappealing. It is the solution, because willpower alone won’t work, given the entrenched feelings linked to his consumption.

Please be kind to him about this, he doesn’t need more shame and sadness over something he can’t change.

I think you need to ask yourself the question back Op;

why do you have a low level of emotional intelligence which means you can’t understand this?

I think to a lot of people it’s really obvious. The best way to support your husband would be to work on that.

Because food is addictive. If you don't have the food noise, you don't understand how hard it is. I was just posting in another thread that most people won't tell you to just quit drinking. Or 'just cheer up' if you're depressed. But with food, it's apparently super easy, just don't eat!

I'm on mounjaro. for the first time in my life, food doesn't control me. Of course it's now easy to just eat less.

The habits people develop in order to deal with trauma can be extremely difficult and sometimes impossible to break. I had a traumatic childhood and so did my siblings. As adults, of us is obese, one is anorexic and the other self harms. For some reason people find it much more difficult to empathise with the first but they all stem from the same thing.

People who don't look after themselves don't do it for any four reasons:

1. They have been trained to think they're not worthy of it and other people's needs are more important.

2. They have been through some kind of trauma that's killed their self-confidence/damaged them, and potentially have also used food/similar as a self-soothing/comfort thing.

3. They are too busy looking after other people.

4. They have some kind of addiction that takes priority.

It sounds like 4 isn't relevant to your situation but any of the others might be.

I make taking care of myself a priority. My friends say they don’t have any motivation or reason to when we talk about it.

How’s your eating as a family? Do you all eat together and eat healthy food? Who does the shopping and does junk get bought? We had crisps in a main, frequently opened cupboard so I saw them every time I opened the cupboard for other stuff and ended up eating some every day cos they were the front of my mind. Ideally just don’t have junk in the house if you do then make it so it’s not easily accessible.

the more junk you eat the more you crave it so it’s hard at first to break the cycle.

Why not suggest going for regular walks after eating and don't mention his weight. Make it about your health, he may even start to enjoy it. X

Lucky you that you don’t have to live like that! I’m sure no one wants to be so out of control with their life.

Aww honey, we are our own worst enemies, aren't we.
I have never been as heavy as I am now, I blame the menopause but then I blame everything that is wrong in my life on the menopause.😆
As of Monday I am going to start walking after dinner instead of sitting on the couch eating crisps, nuts, sweets.........
Little steps, literally and figuratively 😂
🫂

Drop the rope OP. There’s nothing you can do to force him to take proper care of himself.

I've no idea, but I'm similar. I have lost a few pounds this month by eating very healthily and not overeating... but in the last few days I've lost it. No idea why, other than not being able to stand being hungry anymore. I get so fed up with myself, I don't know why I can't stick to it. And I'm too scared of the side effects of Mounjaro to try it.

I was your husband - the food addiction is not well understood - people are as addicted to sugar and white flour as they are to alcohol and drugs. They use the food to ease the discomfort at dealing with life. Asking him to stop is like asking someone with cancer to tell the cancerous cells to stop growing - he is as powerless over his addiction as they are over the disease.

But, there is help out there with Overeaters Anonymous - he needs to hit rock bottom and seek help for his addiction...I did in 2020 and it has changed my life but I had to be as bad as I was .....

I can understand how he has got there as I was similar although no health problems due being obese. Starting Mounjaro (MJ) has the best thing I have ever done. It has completely stopped my food cravings, I no longer think about food 24/7, often dont eat as Im not hungry and have lost nearly 4 stone.

If you have never experienced constant food cravings, constantly feeling hungry etc then you genuinely dont know how hard it is to stop doing something you actually need to do to survive - eat. If you were addicted to alcohol you could have support to stop drinking and them choose to never have it in the house, not to buy it, not to socialise with people who are drinking etc. However, you cant do that with food as you have to eat and so many social meet ups are centered around food.

From being on MJ I now understand how generally slim people manage to stay that way as they eat when they are hungry and their life doesnt revolve around eating, thinking about food etc which is what I was like before MJ.

It has completely regulated my hormones and my eating patterns have changed beyond recogintion and I cant recommend it enough.

Its not a 'quick fix' and I get mine through a proper pharmacy (Oushk) with the relevant checks etc but it has been a genuine life changer. Please look into this as it could really change your DHs life for the better.

This (delaying things that are difficult) is a very common trait with him and he got some therapy years ago but it hasn’t worked.

When you say therapy hasn't worked, what do you mean? The point of therapy is to know yourself and your motivations better, to help process challenges etc. The point of therapy isn't to get him to live the way you want him to - no matter how much better off you think he would be for it. Adults have the right to make decisions about how they live, and to make decisions that aren't necessarily in their best interests. You as an adult have the right to decide whether you want to live with him or not.

Childhood trauma can utterly undermine an individual's capacity to make decisions in their own interest, even when logically they know and want change. It needs much more than a quick round of CBT to resolve, and even then changing patterns that were created as an absolute survival mechanism when you were literally developing your personality is very, very hard.

I had this and am horrified by some of the comments. I'm (I'd like to think!) a very determined and driven person that spread into every part of my life except my weight/health. It stemmed back to childhood neglect/abuse and not being able to accept the fact I 'deserved' to look after myself too! I spent years as a (UK) size 20-22 absolutely beside myself because I couldn't stick to any kind of scheme to 'get healthy' - I basically had a mental block.

A couple of years ago I went to the root of the problem and started therapy to deal with the feelings behind the overeating. A month after that I started a diet/exercise and 12 months later I was at a healthy BMI and have never felt better, mentally or physically. It really is not laziness or 'can't be bothered' for most people I think.

I find very clear easy rules work well. In my case 'no eating before lunch or after dinner' has worked well the last 6 months or so. I have lost almost a stone (and only put on 1lb over Christmas).

With drink / drugs / gambling and so on people can live without them .
They can not live without food so it makes it much harder to get into perspective.

@Redtoothpaste I don't think it's about him not caring about you & DCs , it's about him not caring about himself and until he does I don't think there is a great deal you can do.
I presume you have tried all the usuals like no unhealthy snacks in the house , healthy meals , getting him involved in meal planning and cooking.

If your DH is anything like me the more people tell him he has to change the less likely he is to change. But I honestly don't know what the answer is.

The one thing I think you need to be careful about is that it doesn't influence/ impact your DCs .
He is over weight and doesn't care , you keep bringing it up * and get stressed about it may have a negative impact.

• even if your DCs aren't in the room / house when you talk about it they will be aware of the tension surrounding food.

How can you help? Can you make sure you only have healthy food in the house? Move to food deliveries so you aren't picking up things on a whim. Every other day as a family make it your mission to go for a walk around the block.

He doesn't have the willpower, you (presumably) do, so help him. It wont be a bad thing if you make these changes too.

Is he eligible for WLI?

From posts on here it can really help

Addiction is an illness. There is VERY little help out there if you can't pay.
@Redtoothpaste he sounds depressed.