To wonder why people don’t look after themselves

I feel sorry for you partner or kids if that’s the attitude you have. You absolutely can and should support the people you love, and lead my example. Eating crap benefits no one. A happy family is a team effort. We make sacrifices for those we love. If you lived with a recovering alcoholic, would you continue to buy in alcohol and drink it at home?

I don’t see it as the same.
Most people are overweight in today’s society so it’s extremely common to overeat. There is always something assigned to it but actually some people will say I’ve had a nice life, happy childhood but I really really enjoy the taste of salt, sugar and high fat processed food, simply because it tastes good. It’s over indulging in the wrong foods that create obesity.

Most people aren’t anorexic and there absolutely other issues at play there in every case. It’s more like self harm by purposefully withholding food and the food is simply a tool.

Exactly. Lack of self worth and self belief, most likely destroyed from when he was a child.

It's not OP's job to do that. If she wants crap, she can have it. He needs to take responsibility

I was already thinking there’s unresolved trauma and then read the part about his childhood. That is the issue. I hope he can seek therapy and then start to make small changes that will improve his life. Please encourage him and lead by example, ensure you help him plan healthy meals and don’t buy crap. Good luck 🙏🏽

People who don't struggle with their weight can never envisage why others might.

Former fat people who have slimmed down also seem to not be able to understand, even if they have previously struggled.

@Priddy that is clearly correct but there are an awful lot of us who also never or rarely feel full but are slim. It’s damned hard but for me the decision not to make poor food choices is worth it as I really value the way I feel when I’m slender and fit.

I think all the latest research, and the success of weight loss injections, indicates that some people don't have the hormones that make them feel full and sated, and have a completely different experience of eating to the way others do. We are all different.

Since my late 30s, I've seem to have met a surprising proportion of people with diagnosed thyroid issues that would never have been picked up in the past: some with over-productive thyroids, where keeping weight on is an issue, and others whose thyroid barely functions.

I hope in the future all this will be understood better and that people who find it difficult to lose and keep off weight will be less stigmatised by the people who find it easy to control their appetite and maintain their weight.

I only have myself to care for.

Hi OP, haven't rtft so apologies if someone has already mentioned this. I am listening to a very interesting podcast by Drs Chris and Xand Van Tulleken about exercise called A Thorough Examination. In it, they discuss why it is so difficult to look after ourselves even when we know we should. It is a very complex area and imo not a lot to do with willpower.

He's clearly an addict. Food addiction is not taken seriously at all and there is virtually no help. Even people in this thread think he can just stop with pure willpower. That's not how it works

It's very easy for others to say oh why cant they just stop and change. I doubt very much he wants to be in the situation he is. If he could just click his fingers and be slim and healthy again , that would be great. It's very complex though and think some people just get stuck in these negative cycles for various reasons , not always easy to just say right I'm going to change starting tomorrow. Like any kind of addiction, to drugs , alcohol, gambling , overeating etc making that change can be very difficult for some people. I too would like to lead a healthier lifestyle, I have visions of going to the gym , eating healthy , so many other things , no matter how much I try I do feel stuck sometimes, life , kids , work , different worries , feeling like a failure, so many things all come into play . You do get people whi can change , probably with lots of trying again and again , they can succeed.

Trauma and addiction. People like this need professional help as they cannot treat themselves- just like alcoholics. it's not like they are consciously doing it to themselves, it's an illness/condition that needs treatment.

This is like saying why don't anorexics just stop starving themselves? Using food is a coping mechanism. If that coping mechanism is not replaced by anything healthier he will continue to eat.

I struggle with abuse trauma, self neglect and self harm including compulsive eating. The only things working right now are Overeaters Anon and trauma based therapy. I've been able to access Dialectical Behaviour Therapy on the NHS in the past due to a dual diagnosis of BPD/EUPD alongside binge eating, and i find using that helpful in dealing with my self harm behaviours including those food related. I appreciate not everyone can access these but Overeaters Anon is open to anyone with food issues, no referral needed. There are private therapists who treat childhood trauma and EDs too, but they aren't cheap.

Addiction to sugar is a very powerful and physical thing and unlike addiction to drugs or alcohol you can’t just ban it forever after.

Addicts do not think in a constructive way because they are gripped by the desire to eat, smoke, drink etc. your DH needs to come to that realisation and find a strategy that breaks his addiction. You can help, but only he can do it.

I have found intermittent fasting is very helpful in lowering my appetite and desire for food. It’s the only thing that changed my almost constant need to eat. It’s not for everyone but worth trying.

If it was easy, over 60% of the uk population wouldn’t be overweight, alcohol, drugs and cigarettes wouldn’t exist and we would all be exercising five times a week minimum.

It stemmed back to childhood neglect/abuse and not being able to accept the fact I 'deserved' to look after myself too!
Very much agree with this statement. My binge eating comes from feelings of not being good enough. It's almost a form of self-punishment and when I've done it I dislike my "weakness" and dislike myself even more. Compassion Focused Therapy helped me an awful lot.

I've been massively overweight and had to lose weight or die; I lost 5 stone so far. Basically it took a hundred small changes (swapping normal baked beans for low salt/sugar ones as a small example of such a change).
But the changes that had the biggest impact for me were:
1 - Don't have in the house anything unhealthy (crisps, biscuits, sweets, choc etc). If it's not there you can't eat it.
2 - Cut out carbs as far as possible and replace with protein (eggs are very versatile and tasty with sauces etc).
3 - Reduce portion sizes bit by bit.
4 - Have healthy snacks between meals (apple, slice of lean ham, raw carrots)
5 - Move more. I started walking a mile 4 nights a week. It left me warn out but after a month felt much better and can now walk 20 miles in 8 hours or less.

I know where your husband is and feel it can be done. It's very satisfying to step on the scales or throw out old big clothes.

Good luck

Recently I suffered a heart attack, I'm on life long medication like your DH and have to watch my diet carefully. I subscribe to the BHF magazine which has been amazing, and their heart healthy recipes are really easy to follow and really worth thinking about - there's cake, biscuits, main meals, desserts, snacks, everything. You can help enormously by influencing the food that comes into your house, and as well as being heart healthy I slso lost quite a bit of weight following these recipes without thinking I was 'on a diet'. But my DH's support has been pivotal in my success with following this new way of eating.
www.bhf.org.uk/informationsupport/heart-matters-magazine

@wizzywig

I think you may need to educate yourself a little bit on addiction.

If it was simple as that, there wouldn't be any overweight/obese people in the world.

I don't drink or smoke but food is my vice - I'm an emotional eater. I know I shouldn't eat junk food and my diet should be better and even in the past when my weight has caused a problem, I still couldn't change it.

It might sound obvious to you but it's not that simplistic.

Get him to read the book 'ultra processed people' - it might change his outlook on food (or 'not food', which is 60% of the UK diet now) forever.

How do you fix the sleep and gut health?

People look after themselves as best they can. This is true even in cases of suicide, people make that choice because they believe that everything is so shit it's the best choice they can make.

Mental illness is the key driver of destructive behaviour. Mental illness is massively under-diagnosed. (Which is ironic given the constant outcry that "everyone has a mental illness diagnosis these days.") Not all mental illness is severe enough to warrant a diagnosis by current standards, but it's not a binary thing, it's a gradual scale.

As PP have said, there are factors in the brain which prevent some people from making obviously (to others) better choices. Telling them to sort themselves out is like telling someone not to get cancer. It's not a choice. It can be influenced so as to be less likely to happen but a person can't choose to never get it.

I have this- I can’t stand being hungry. If I’m hungry I can’t concentrate on anything else.

I know that one of the issues with me is that I don’t get nearly enough sleep though- if I got more sleep I wouldn’t be so keen to try to cure tiredness with food. Also if I slept the hours my body wants I wouldn’t be eating in those hours!