To wonder why people don’t look after themselves

To be honest it sounds like he's still somewhat depressed.

#NotAllFatPeople
Obviously...

But many.

Someone obese doesn’t necessarily have an eating disorder!
Plenty of people are obese because they enjoy food and/or don’t like exercising. I used to be one of them, no judgment, but why deny that there is an element of choice (for most people at least)?

What you’ve described doesn’t account for the sheer number of people that are obese though.

On the one hand it’s now considered somewhat biological, as discussed, some people don’t feel full so eat more than they should hence weight gain.

On the other hand, if it’s predominantly a trauma response in the vast majority of cases, then that would make the biological theory moot?

I don’t think it’s easy to lose weight at all. I know it’s hard and the heavier someone gets the bigger the struggle seems, so it probably feels pointless to try - I do get that but personal accountability has to play a role and it will be hard, but how else can someone lose weight? They have to make the decision to stop eating unhealthy otherwise they’ll always be in the same boat.

Yes I can imagine people who are obese don’t feel great due to their size and I realise that it will impact their self esteem in some situations of course, but plenty of people have low self esteem/self worth for a plethora of reasons, not just weight related.

I had a traumatic childhood and food Is my vice too. I’m not obese and I appreciate how lucky I am, in that I do get full fast. I crave sweets, high fat food and takeaways but they just taste so nice it is hard to walk past without chucking them in my trolly.

If I had a lovely childhood, I don’t believe for a second that somehow I wouldn’t have these intense cravings. I’m certain I’d still be the same size as I am now.

@Pinckk Fair enough you don't see it as the same . Maybe it's not the same in every case . But those who work in mental health especially in areas regarding trauma say it is a coping mechanism. Compulsively bingeing isn't just self indulgence it's eating double or triple portions and still wanting more. Going out in secret to buy food and eating it and eating, hiding it, lying about it, hoarding it. thinking about food all the time . Always on a a diet and afraid to hear just one chocolate biscuits in case you have 20 and still want to go out and buy more.

Gluttonous people, truly gluttonous people often struggle with the same Obsessive all or nothing perfectionist tendencies seen in anorexic people. we are hard on oursleves. Some of us even cut . Not all of us no but young and always tell if someone is a cutter because they may do it in other places not seen. Some of us also abuse alcohol drugs or gambling . Some shoplif t. For me I went into debt, I would buy and buy. It was like a had a hole inside me. I suspect the trauma issues in my case stopped me producing serotonin or dopamine the right way, it's like I needed a hit. I don't have ADHD.

90% of us admit to being abused as children in various ways. The other 10% have other demons May be . Also some have experienced emotional abuse like bullying by peers or being invalidated or shamed a lot by parents or maybe low level forms of sexual abuse (fondling, "flashing" etc) and they might not realise it has affected them. Or maybe it happened at an age where they didn't form conscious memories of it but someone who was there at the time did recall it? A lot of us minimise what we have been through or if we told we were just told it was what happens to loads of children and to forget about it .or we were punished for telling.Maybe not believed or gaslighted about it.

This may or may not be the case with the OP's partner. But nobody wants to feel out of control with food, nobody wants to be out of breath going up the stairs or unable to fit their clothes. Nobody wants to be fat. Not consciously. Some may become fat so predators will leave them alone (didn't work in my case, it still happened again and again) but it's not usually a conscious thought process.

So I'm not speaking for all obese people but I do think for many of us it's not as easy as put down the fork. Depression and passivity are a huge factor too.

Think about it-- do you know a really chubby person whom had never tried to diet? I doubt it. I expect they exist but I think it's rare. If it was a simple as willpower and dieting would there be any fat people?

I think some people are being very harsh on OP. She has a life with this man. He is her children's father. In the fairly likely event that he dies younger than average she and her children will be deeply affected. Is she just meant to sit back and accept that her dh is eating himself to death or is it reasonable of her to want to do what she can to help him?

I find obesity to be the least understood of eating disorders (quoted comment as a perfect example). And the people who suffer from it are clearly the most despised. Sad.

Sure it's not the case that everyone who is obese will have BED or bulimia but someone who can't stop eating even when they know it's killing them, that's not just enjoying food. In any case the OP s partner has trauma and it wouldn't hurt him to explore that . For many of us eating too much absolutely is a form of self injury and a self comfort at the same time. It's not as simple as just going on a diet .

Not all obese people have BED, but a huge number of them are walking around undiagnosed, not even realising.

The OPs partner did not have a happy childhood any more than I did . Yes I do enjoy food but its an obsession for me and way to sabotage myself I have urged to get rid of it afterwards. There is no way someone chooses to be the size I am. I'm a size 22-24. Used to be a size 30.

also self neglect and lack of self care are a lot to do with ow see worth. Someone with pride in themselves doesn't let themself go. How many obese people do you know who have good self worth ? Very few .

I often wonder this. I suspect that in many cases it's low level depression and anxiety, which people soothe with sugar and alcohol and fat. I guess you could call them deaths of despair. There are just too many people crammed into this little island. That means lack of space, small houses jammed on top of one another, and almost constant stress and noise. My local woods have been hacked down to make way for a new estate, and now the fields in the centre of the village are going to have 500 disgusting rabbit hutch 'homes' squeezed onto them. We didn't evolve to live this way. It's making us deeply unhappy. At the risk of sounding like a hippy, it's disturbing us at some deep, spiritual level.

Exactly

I see there’s a lot of skinny arseholes on this thread.

’i can be skinny why can’t you’ 🤦‍♀️

He had a traumatic childhood that’s affected his whole life

that’s your answer.

he needs to work on his mental health first before he can tackle his physical health

how can you not understand that?

I disagree that it is the same as depression, as ‘cheering up’ is not something you do, it is how you feel, whereas putting food in your mouth is a physical act that we fully control.

I’m a smoker, I smoke daily, I know how hard it is not to do it BUT when I had a medical procedure with no smoking permitted for 3d I was able to stop (because there was a good reason). Someone with depression wouldn’t be able to ‘cheer up’ on demand, even for a good reason.

Ok old wise one, I won’t offer my opinion on a forum that is asking for opinions ever again. Good day!

Not at all, you trying to be encouraging may not be necessary though, you assume that the OP needs your words of wisdom. Good Day.

Omg 🤣😫 I know, I was just trying to be encouraging. What is it with some of you Mumsnettters!? Just like being pedantic and disagreeing for the sake of it??

And there you go: you control your weight by rigorous dieting and you don't see why others shouldn't — and you completely ignore everything I wrote. Your experience is your experience.

I think for me at least, it still doesn't feel like I've eaten. I'm not hungry, but I'm still craving food. There's this constant gnawing need to something else - usually carby/salty/sugary (I mainly overeat bread and butter, but it might be crackers or cheese or snack bars or whatever else we have). Only then do I feel satiated.

I do eat plenty of healthy foods, but I eat too many foods on top of that. I certainly don't live on junk food - I don't even really like much packaged junk food (chocolate, crisps, doughnuts type stuff). It's the extra 'normal' food I overeat that causes problems.

Nobody has any idea what the OP is doing, or not doing though, seeing as she has not specified.

Obviously he needs to want to change which is why I suggested therapy. It’s also madness to not try and encourage healthy habits at home, and actually lead by example! Especially if there are kids involved who need to not follow the same pattern as dad, as we see MANY families in which all
members are overweight as no one breaks this cycle.

The OP could do all of that, and there would be nothing stopping her Husband eating whatever, when out, and about. The OP cannot control that, it is down to her Husband to want to change.

Compulsive behaviour is way more complicated to overcome than "just doing it."

Overeating after serious childhood trauma is often a way of managing unbearable feelings, a kind of self-medication. He has a good life now but may still be troubled by feelings from his younger days. Therapy might help. So might an understanding overeaters anonymous type group.

You have suggested mindset and motivation are important and I don't disagree but life circumstances certainly have a role.

In my twenties I lost a couple of stone and maintained that loss for a decade plus - I focused on weight loss, I power walked every day for an hour to lose the first stone and went to bed each night with my arms feeling weak and shaky. I took up running and eventually ran a few marathons.

....cut to now and I am a middle aged night shift worker with 2 kids one of which has special needs. The vast majority of my life I am working, sleeping or taking care of my kids (which isn't always easy). I cannot prioritise my health and well-being. I have no time or energy to do so. I'm turning to Mounjaro. Three weeks in I'm 11lb down with 2 and a half stone to go until I hit a healthy weight and a lot of faith that I will get there.