To wonder why people don’t look after themselves

It’s not about not caring enough, it’s about feeling so overwhelmed that you don’t know how to change behaviours that have been subconsciously developed to deal with trauma or neurodiversity. The more you feel the need to change, the more stress and pressure you feel, so you revert to your unhealthy “coping” behaviours like drinking, over-eating, substance abuse etc. It’s a horrible vicious circle that can feel impossible to get out of.

It’s not laziness or selfishness; this man is wounded and doesn’t need the self-righteous comments, so bloody smug!

With drink / drugs / gambling and so on people can live without them .
They can not live without food so it makes it much harder to get into perspective.

This is what I was going to say. If food could be just cut out it would be less of a battle ( for me anyway).

I've also 'let myself go' and am very tempted with MJ to get me back into a slimmer way of life..but worry about side effects :(

I would recommend hypnotherapy. This has cured a lifelong poor relationship with food for me. I use these guys:

clearminds.com/

It's a subscription of £13 per month but I save that in food costs!

I struggle myself. You don't sound very empathetic. You know why.. you already said he had a traumatic upbringing. Just as some people turn to alcohol or drugs or sex.. he's turned to food. It's a comfort. It's calming. And long term it may be negatively effecting his health but short term it will feel to him like it's helping him.
And it's such a hard addiction to deal with because you can't just go cold turkey. You need to eat food to live. You can't just avoid it. It takes a massive amount of will which is very stressful and draining. If he has a busy life already then it can seem insurmountable. Tiredness is a big factor. It can be so much easier to deal with your impulses when you have energy.. but at the end of the day, tired after work and interacting with kids.. thats when the eating starts because you don't have the energy to resist it. And it is HARD to resist. It's much harder for some people than others. Just because you would find it relatively easy doesn't mean it is for him.
It sounds like he has a lot of good qualities as a person.
At the end of the day everyone has their flaws. It's awful to see someone shorted their lifespan through bad choices. But you do need empathy and understanding. Most people make unhealthy decisions of some type day to day.. and you will have too.
Just keep encouraging him to tackle it but understand it's a long hard road that he will repeatedly slip up on.

Classic trauma response the only way you can help him is not to criticise him for his eating et cetera, but to understand .he needs some help with this, not all therapists are good .
maybe time for another

Thanks so much for your groundbreaking revelations on food and exercise! Also for letting me know that my ‘ perspective does not represent reality’ !
My post was just honest and actually quite difficult to write. I was only trying to be constructive , give my views and encourage understanding of this problem. Maybe you could try it sometime ?

This comment epitomises everything that this wrong with society. Judgemental shaming comments that lack knowledge, empathy and understanding. In no way is this helpful or constructive.

Because it's easier to scoff shite food and spend all night watching the telly.

This shows a complete lack of understanding of addiction. Addictions are actually an illness and addicts experience a lot of stigma and shame from people like you that lack empathy, knowledge and understanding.

OP, it sounds like your husband has developed an unhealthy relationship to adapt to cope with a lot of trauma, which has now become maladaptive. Try to practice empathy and understanding. Has he had any specialist trauma therapy? It's amazing how our traumatic childhood experience can manifest in adulthood.

Alongside this could you explore healthy habits together? I think having an accountability buddy and someone to make it fun makes a big difference when trying to make sustainable change. Good luck!

Why do you think it takes time and effort to make healthy lifestyle choices? It takes little effort to do a 10 minute walk instead of a two minute drive, or a 10 minute bike ride instead of a five minute drive for local utility journeys. Doing a recreational walk in the countryside for half an hour will boost your mental health. The human body is biologically designed to move. Having a sedentary lifestyle is like a ticking bomb for your health/wellbeing in later years. It takes minimal effort to cook a meat and two veg meal, I do that nearly everyday. Why do you think nice things to eat have to be unenjoyable to eat? Seasoning food properly contributes a lot to the enjoyment of eating it, and no-one has said you can never have an occasional sweet treat. The issue here is not the dullness of nutritious food or the effort required to get on your feet and move, the issue is your perspective does not represent reality.

This really resonates with me. I am very overweight because I don’t exercise and I find enjoyment in eating nice things. I don’t enjoy very much else to be honest.
I both envy, and cannot relate at all to people who value themselves enough to dedicate time and effort to themselves .
Taking care of yourself seems something better, special people do. I genuinely admire people who work hard at being healthy and slim. I don’t feel worth the effort so I carry on as I am. It only affects me after all.
Im not after any sympathy at all , just trying to give another perspective.

I think the biggest problem is probably that you both think the Obesity crisis has anything to do with willpower.

You could apply this to their homes. There’s a young couple who had a fridge freezer on their driveway for almost 6 years.

Then others live in a home which similar to a tip

I think it helps to avoid these foods because they can be fuelling the addiction . This is the kind of thing 12 step groups like OA are good for .

A lot of people don’t love themselves enough to believe they are worth looking after. Self care begins with self love. That may be the answer, but perhaps not such an easy solution to find.

I recently read something about eating behaviour linked to trauma that suggested if this has been your coping mechanism for most of your life to protect a very young version of yourself, it may be very difficult, perhaps impossible to change. Someone in this situation needs to extend themselves massive compassion, and find ways to look after and protect themselves psychologically that don't involve food before they can hope to change eating behaviour. And after all, you can't go cold turkey on food. It sounds like he needs serious therapy/counselling/some form of psychological input. But that's up to him to decide and to take responsibility for. You cannot control him at all, only yourself.

I have lost 3 stone in the last year but to my mind, I will always be a fat person deep down, much like an alcoholic who stops drinking is still an alcoholic. It is useful as it makes me think before eating anything unhealthy in public (who wants to see a fat person troughing down cake), and I keep a photograph of myself at my fattest in the kitchen to remind myself of what will happen if I give into temptation.
I know some people will say it is an unhealthy attitude, but nothing else has ever worked. And being fat is even more unhealthy.
Please note, I am NOT saying I find fat people disgusting, I am saying I am disgusting. Two very very different things.

It's important to realise that he's not choosing food over you. He's overeating in response to his thoughts processes and may well have laid down this pattern in childhood.
Ultimately this has got to come from him. You can support, and seek to understand, but I think you also have to accept him for who he is right now. He could probably benefit from counselling and long term he may manage to put his health first but it may take a good long time.

Do you have BED too!? It's a pain isn't it !

It was like I a had a hole inside me.

I said this very thing to the psychologist. A hole that you just can't fill, don't even know what you need to fill it.

I mean the self esteem issues are already there in people who binge eat. The weight is a symptom. It's a form of self harm is what the psychologists say. That is why I compare it to anorexia . Because they both a symptom.

this has already been proven by those who work with ED sufferers.

There is a difference between a fa t person who just had too large a portion size and a fat person who is always grazing. The first type aren't always eating they just eat more calories than they should . OP 's partner may be the first type or the second type.

The reason I think it might be an ED is because everything else hasn't worked for him.

you don't find it easy to stay away from the foods, but you can stop when you feel full. I can't . Because it's a psychological as well as physical issue.

anorexia is considered as possibly bring a chemical imbalance as well as anxiety related. So is binge eating .I do expect there are physiological aspects and socio economic aspects. You don't see many people or black or Asians with it . In East Asia, EDs weren't heard of until relatively recently . Not sure why . Because culturally they are more community orientated perhaps? Less isolated socially so trauma is experienced as a social ill, perhaps ? I don't know.

Also some of us have PCOS. Doctors consider PCOS to have a genetic basis from birth which tends to start manifesting in the teens/20s/early 30s. Lifestyle conditions can exacerbate it if you're prone to it. It's rarely found in countries where soy is a chief ingredient or people eat high protein diets. . EDs are highly comorbid with PCOS, especially bulimia and BED. Women with bipolar disorder, anxiety, EUPD/BPD, PMDD tend to be highly comorbid with PCOS. May be partly their medications because antipsychotics and antidepressants cause weight gain. Or it may I because PCOS is very closely linked with mental health. Women weren't made to have high levels of testosterone. It floods out brain and affects our moods. Makes our children likely to be autistic so we then go through the stress of raising precious lovely but ND children who may need a lot of care. It isn't easy finding that care. And multiple miscarriages that we ensure doesn't help our mental health. Obviously the OP's partner doesn't have PCOS, being a he! But general speaking it's a common disease in many ladies.

I think there are many root causes. So it's complex .

I expect the OP's partner doesn't know where to start because it can be overwhelming .

I'm a big fan of OA, but it doesn't help everyone . Exercise is a good mood booster which can help with cravings too

Would it be hard if someone intervened and said, 'I love you and am desperately worried about your health. Please join me in a fitness and healthy eating regime. We can support each other. I am nit saying this because I think you ought to look a different way but because you deserve to feel healthy snd full of energy, and gor whatever reason, you find it hard to do this for yourself.

If your partner said this, would that help or not?

Do your cravings go on for hours ? Do they interrupt your thoughts and become a spiral of OCD type thoughts ? Do you find that you can't stop obsessing about weight or what you eat? Do you feel an urge to throw up or take laxatives or exercise excessively after eating? do you stuff yourself with large quantities of food because you feel empty inside? Because you have an intense feeling of shame or loneliness or boredom? Do you eat with every emotion even positive ones?

BED is real. Doctors don't diagnose fake illnesses. How was I diagnosed if it's just a willpower thing ? If even gastric band couldn't help me?

But for me only therapy and Overeater s Anonymous and psychiatric treatment has worked. For some.

How do you know some of these people don't have BED though ? It sounds as if the OP does have an ED, otherwise willpower and sensible lifestyle changes would have worked . I've been diagnosed . Yes I might still get cravings if I had a happy childhood but I would be able to stop . Many anorexic is a chemical imbalance because it doesn't seem common in working class people or non white people.

having therapy is taking responsibility surely ? Therapy is all about people changing things so they can recover .

The OP doesn't describe someone who likes food, but someone who can't stop eating huge quantities of it . Huge quantities is a binge. A little bit more than is needed is simple overeating . Most people are overeaters, a few of us have BED. I just think it's a possibility that maybe OPs partner does have it . It's the commonest of the ED. Because if he was like most overweight people it wouldn't be a compulsion