To wonder why people don’t look after themselves

As someone who was very very fat for a long time even when my kids were small I can honestly say to OP I don't have an answer as to why I did nothing about it.
In the last couple of years I've lost 9st 12 pounds and have about another 4st to go so that will give you some idea of how big I was.
I feel incredibly guilty for my boys especially my eldest as he was teased at school.
I know I had an addiction to food and believe obesity to that level should be treated in the same way as anorexia, even at my biggest I was in denial and used to look in the mirror and see a thin person.
As people have said he will only change it when he wants to, my now ex wife used to try to get me to listen for the sake of my health but I wasn't ready.

HuckleberryBlackcurrant

Don't be so hard on yourself. You probably have a lot stronger desire to eat than people who are naturally slim. You need a lot more willpower to restrict yourself than people who don't feel the same about food.

I'm on weight loss drugs and for the first time in my life, yes restricting my calorie intake is no big deal. When I described the feeling (and how I normally feel) to my naturally slim DH, he said that he goes through life feeling like I do on the drugs. OMG. What a revelation. Yes he will skip the cake at work when he has put on a few pounds, and he would rather eat the cake - but he needs a fraction of willpower for that, compared to me.

Are you telling me that nobody in the past experienced any of this? None of the things you have listed are new things and in many ways people in the past faced far more difficult challenges than we do now, yet obesity rates keep climbing at alarmingly high rates.

I'm not trying to 'blame' anyone but your post reads almost as a list of excuses about why obesity is almost inevitable. This simply cannot be the case because human history tells us that it isn't and there are still countries now with much lower rates than us and they are subject to almost all of the factors listed in your post.

I am normal BMI but I put on 3kg in 2 weeks over xmas because I was homesick (living in NZ- the Gavin and Stacey + the Robbie Williams film sent me over the edge). All biscuits and imported chocolates and at no point did I feel full. Now it’s got better I am not nearly as desperate for a minstrel.

Do you think he could have some strife going on?

Nobody has will power beyond a few days. That’s human nature. And he is “looking after himself”, he’s using the only tools he knows to cope with his childhood trauma.

I've been fat for years. I don't want to be fat. I just don't have willpower. I never learned it and I don't have the willpower to learn to have willpower. It's all my fault and I acknowledge this. But it does feel paralyzing.

Childhood trauma gives low self esteem. Can feel not worthy of bothering with your own health. Putting others before yourself.

I would try to just have healthier food available and change habits to do more activity together.

Childhood trauma - huge link between this and obesity
Past sexual abuse
Disabilities
Caregiving responsibilities
Mental health
Stress
Dopamine hits
Compulsions
Neurodiversity
Food Deserts
Cognitive differences
Genetics
Hormones (PCOS etc.)
Depression
Low Self-Esteem

If no one experienced those, then a very very small minority would be obese and those people that had better options for 'control' would respond better to weight management supports, health eating schemes, healthy routines etc.

Rolling eyes because someone dares to suggest practical and realistic steps that someone struggling with looking after themselves could implement? What is the alternative for that poster? Just accept her perspective is right and that looking after herself requires too much time and effort and she is unworthy of this?

I think many of us have mental blocks around things and convince ourselves that it's basically impossible to change. Someone telling us that it's not that difficult can give us the impetus to at least try and build in small changes into our lifestyles. It forces us to challenge the 'story' we have created in our heads about it all being too hard and something we could never do. Even 1% improvements each week/month would add up over time and make the world of difference.

This is obviously a sensitive and complex subject but I am concerned that there is a growing narrative on MN and in society at large that we are basically impotent in our own lives. That we are all up against insurmountable challenges (trauma, ND, physical health conditions etc) so we should all just give up and accept our unhappy and unhealthy fate. We are furious at the state for not 'fixing' us or at anyone that dares to suggest we have some autonomy over our destiny and could do more for ourselves. There is so much perceived shame attached to weight and health that people react defensively before they even contemplate that the advice is coming from a well-meaning place and perhaps from someone that has shared and overcome the same struggles.

Is he comfort eating bc he’s stressed/depressed? I agree with PP’s of not putting temptation his way by buying healthier alternatives to the ‘crap’ food, donuts all that’s in the house, but I guess he can just go out and buy what he’s craving himself, or eat it secretly due to guilt. Once he breaks the habit it’ll become so much easier for him to
continue, especially when he sees the weight coming off him. But starting and continuing in the early stages is the hard part. He needs to try to go for daily walks then increase to maybe twice a day and then lengthen them - that will also help shift the weight.

The miserable struck a chord with me in your post.
I'm miserable being overweight, I'm miserable when I perpetuate that by eating. I'm miserable when I deny myself (ie have some willpower and eat healthier food) because I feel unsettled, and well miserable!
It's a constant cycle of misery, and I guess you've got to find the source of that misery in order to address it and then change your mind set.
It's my lowest priority in all honesty, I'm overwhelmed with a lot of things in life but I think I function through it, and then that's where it comes out, people think I'm 'together' yet I don't have my relationship with food 'together', and my 'failings' are on the outside of my body for everyone to see.
My mother used food as a punishment. I know what the root cause is but I don't even know where to start fixing it, so I bumble on because I just don't have the bandwidth to dedicate to it.

But mostly true.

You said it: traumatic childhood. He can't manage his emotions without overeating. He needs therapy. And maybe Mounjaro at the same time. But definitely therapy.

@RockPaperS yes if you are obese you have a disordered relationship with food. For some reason the medical profession and society chooses to label those that starve themselves as having an eating disorder and those that eat too much as having questionable moral fibre and a lack of will power and generally available to be patronised and lectured by idiots.

I was the same and I’m getting better now after addressing my issues over
many years with a counsellor.
its fucking hard work, you have to be so tenacious and determined to work through it and to have a strong idea of where you are going and what you want (I was determined to thrive not just survive. I’ve come to realise that not everyone has this journey in them.

People can 'not look after themselves' in a lot of ways but it seems that if you are fat, you are judged the most.

🙄

Eh not really, can't you read between the lines, she's obviously very worried about him dying, lack of empathy, where did you get that from???

I have a history of disordered eating on the other end of the spectrum. Diagnosis of PTSD and complex trauma. 10+ years of therapy. I wish I didn't have the trauma and wish I could have emerged unscathed but that's not what happened.

Emotional eating.. It's a thing
Metabolic set-point.. It's a thing

Being told you're obese and need to lose weight by anyone is awful but from the people you love, it's like a stab to the heart, not feeling good enough also fuels the overeating but changing those lifelong habits takes long term specialist support.
As a person who has struggled with my weight all of my adult life, I cannot tell you the cause for every person's overeating but I can tell you that trauma of some kind is in there somewhere, almost every time..

I had a very traumatic life until around 30. Bad childhood then very abusive relationship. I struggle with my weight and taking care of myself. It isn’t as simple as you may think. His comfort is eating as is mine. Unless he gets some kind of counselling/therapy this will be an ongoing battle for him.

Thanks. I appreciate the kindness. Writing my post made me think about things actually. Putting my thoughts in writing was like saying them out loud. Maybe it could be a first step. Cheers @MumWifeOther ❤️

Cutting some things up makes them look so much more and go further I find, so you use less?

Addiction is addictive, and can be genetic...
Willpower doesn't even start to cover it.

I’m sorry you feel like this, I hope you know you absolutely are worth it and I hope you find the strength to make even just a couple of changes that might make life easier in the long run.. if you can afford therapy that might be a good starting point ❤️