To spend more on my niece than my step child

Fair enough, but it’s not about the money here for either of you. There’s nothing wrong with you being closer to your DN, but you shouldn’t be treating her like you’re closer. Some parents will feel closer to one biological child than another, I certainly feel closer to one of my nephews than the others but that doesn’t mean you treat them differently. It’s totally fine that you want to spoil her but it is also understandable that your DH feels you should also want to show love and care to your DSS. That’s the issue. The money is a by product.

I don’t really think it’s about the money. That’s just what has got this conversation going imo.

how long have you been in DSS life? Why isn’t there a close relationship between the two of you? Unless I’ve misinterpreted that!

If you have separate finances how much you spend on your niece is irrelevant and none of his business.

He reduces the amount he spends on his own Dc with you,

If he had still been with his Ds’s Mum they would cover his birthday costs together. If you and he maintain separate finances it is up to you what you choose to spend on a present for Dss.

FFS, when will men realise that women can do what they want! That they cannot control and overpower them?! YANBU, OP - it’s your money spend it as you wish. @LittleLisaBlue

Agreed! Either there's an agreement we spend xx and we jointly contribute or everyone makes their own decisions

If it's the latter then he can't suddenly ask for equity. Fwiw he should, by his logic, be contributing to niece as she's his niece too !

Your niece only has something to do with it because you are claiming money is tight and that’s why you are only contributing £20 to DSS. So he’s saying, if it’s so tight how have you spent £120 on DN? It’s not actually about DN.

You are lying to him about why you are spending only £20 on DSS because the reality is you are resentful of the situation.

He should also be paying half for DD, however.

If i am honest, I am closer to niece than DSS. She does mean more to me and we have a closer bond than I share with DSS which is what he would say is the reason he's upset by this.

It's a valid reason for him to be upset and I don't think it's great that you're just handwaving it away as a non-issue.

He's chosen the wrong hill to die on in terms of this money nonsense but this isn't even preferring your own bio kid to your stepson, you're preferring someone else's bio kid to him as well. And making that very obvious.

Then surely just tell him he needs to make it even for DD, so give you enough to make it 50/50 instead of 70/30 and then you pony up a bit more for DSS.

There’s nothing wrong with feeling closer to your niece than your DSS but it doesn’t mean you should treat DSS like he means less.

I Love my DSS very much, but it isn’t the same as raising a baby from birth. It is a different love. Not because of biology but because you’ve cared for them and they’ve relied on you since they were a helpless infant. I do love him differently but I don’t treat him differently. I show him the same love and care I show my biological children and you need to do the same, regardless of how you feel. You aren’t responsible for everything for him, but it’s about showing love and care equally, not supporting him financially equally.

It sounds exhausting in all honesty. We have a central pot we both pay into and all DC and DSD gifts come jointly from that. We have 5 DC and at the start of the year we agree a present budget which is the same for all.of them, and that's the amount we spend, jointly. We're a blended family and if a child wants something over budget we will offer to collaborate with their other parent and/or the child can add to it themselves.

I cannot get my head around calculating what % you each paid for your own DC gifts and squabbling over who has spent what on who. It sounds like a miserable way to live imo

There are deeper issues here. DSS isn’t your child but you are his step-parent and therefore a parental figure in his life. You married your DH knowing this. Sounds like your DH is trying to overcompensate for the fact you don’t see DSS as being part of your direct family and is taking it out on your DD.

What you spend on your DN isn’t relevant, but you are making an issue by saying you only want to pay £20 for DSS because money is ‘tight’. Money is only tight because you spent so much elsewhere.

You need to plan and agree better. Have shared money for the children’s presents etc. then keep the rest separate.

It's totally over the top to spend £120 on your 5 year old neice! I can understand why he's annoyed about that- just on its own. The fact you've then said you're only giving DSS £20 is rubbing salt into the wound and it makes you look like you DGAF.

I would assume you'd say between you and your DH - both kids are getting £200 budget - say for instance. If you personally spend £150 on DD and spend £50 on DSS, then DH is spends £50 on your DD and £150 on DSS. Then either way you look at it, both kids get equal amounts spent on them and you and your DH spent equal amounts to cover it. Surely being married you can combine resources like this?

He's a pig. You should spend the same on your daughter and his son. He should pay his sons costs and half his daughters

I live with my DP and we have 2 each plus 1 together. All presents come form both of us. I buy for my 2 and he buys for his 2 and things for our shared child come out of our joint account. Similarly I buy for my family from both of us and he buys for his...

Resentments begin with unfair situations. The OP's husband thinks it's "reasonable" for the OP to shoulder the majority of birthday expenses for their DD because he has to pay more for his own son. He 'apparently' doesn't get that he has TWO children and has to be fair to both in equal terms.

His attitude is the reason why the OP is resenting him. His son is getting expensive birthday presents from him and his EX, while being pissed off about how much the OP is spending on her niece. He wants the money spent on his son, but has no intention to address how incredibly unfair he's being to his DD.

OP, you need to sit down with your DH and tell him clearly that his son's expenses are his and his ex responsibility. It's up to them to communicate and co-parent like adults. You also need to make clear how unfair he's to his own DD and the resentment his attitude is creating in your relationship with him.

It all sounds awful and not like a team at all.

I wouldn’t even countenance getting a 14 year old a new phone and paying hundreds off an old contract - that’s absurd! But that’s up to him.

It can’t be both ways - either finances are separate and you both do what you want. Or they’re shared and you agree together on budgets. He seems to want it separate but to still control your element.

Your DH is picking and choosing - he won't pay half with you for his own child but expects you to pay half for his ds child? Because he says you should consider D's as yours as well.
But he doesn't even pay half for a child that is literally his.

So he wants to pay less for the child you share, and get you paying half for his child. No, no way.

Well I'd be getting pissed off right back at him for not treating DD enough like family. I wouldn't ever be contributing towards a new phone when the old one is still being paid off. That's a stupid lesson to teach a child of any age. Missed DN is only 5, he has a point that's a ridiculous amount of money to spend. I still wouldn't be contributing to pay out the old new phone or pat for the newest phone.

The issue here is that you don't see DSS as your family.

He sees your DD and your DSS as both of your children. That's why he thinks it's OK he spends less on DD - because YOU spend more on her than DSS, so he makes up for that fact you spend more on DD by spending more himself on DSS (from both of you).

However, you only see DD as your child. So you think he should spend more on DD, whilst you shouldn't have to spend more on DSS.

I'm with your husband on this one. YABU. You are DSS stepmother. To your DSS, you are a parental figure, and he has been expected to accept that as the result of your and your husband's choices. You don't get to back out of that, you married into this family and chose to be his step mother. Your DSS is a real person in this, you know. You stepped into his life as a parent figure and now you're acting as if you have no responsibility towards him as a parent figure.

Step mother is much more of an important role than auntie.

You have more responsibility to your step child than your niece.

Your DH is comparing how much you spend on your neice to how much you spend on DSS because your "money is tight" and you're only going to chip in £20 for your stepson.

And yes, of course things are more expensive for a 14 year old than a 5 year old. Your neice won't remember what you got her for her 5th birthday after a while, nor will your daughter actually, but a 14 year old is only a few years away from being an adult, more aware of the world and facets of life, and is leaning towards appreciating more adult gifts... Except isn't able to get a full time job or even be paid minimum wage to get it himself.

I'm shocked you're spending £120 on a five year old neice at all. Id be bloody horrified if my auntie prioritised my birthday gifts over her own step childs, ever.

Do you think part of you is spending more on your niece as a reaction to your husband's spending on his son? It sounds like there is resentment there and you're just spending that much to spite his son which isn't a great dynamic and I can see why it upsets him.

It sounds like you don't see his son as part of your core family and value your niece more than him. Which is fair enough, but I'd take into consideration how that would make your husband feel.

I’d agree that it’s bonkers to replace phone when unnecessary. DS is 14 and got his first new phone for Christmas. His previous one was a hand me down that he’d had for four years. It was definitely a bit battered though.