To spend more on my niece than my step child

Am I the only one who wouldn’t feel it necessary to spend the same amount on a 5 year old as a 14 year old?
That said, your DH is being petty. I have stepkids and their dad always buys their gifts and makes it from both of us. If I see something (smallish) that I know my stepchild would like, I might buy it as an extra but the main gift is bought by Dad, but a gift from us both.

So you get the credit for something you don't even want to contribute towards.
I feel sorry for the stepson

You also say the parents should sort something together. But say they don't talk. So I image you know full well the reason why they don't talk and what you're saying is probably very unrealistic that they we become buddies to sort presents.
Having your parents separated is hard, but you're begrudginh that the kids gets two lots of presents. I'm sure he'd rather have one home and only his bio parents, especially when his step mother can't be arsed with him from the sounds of it

I didn't call her an evil step mother, I said things like this is where that comes from.

And hell yea I'm annoyed at her attitude , what did the poor kid do to deserve to be treated like crap by the step parent he has no choice in having. She had a choice to not have him by not being with the father. I have kids that have had step parents and one of them was treated not dissimilar to this and it's heartbreaking breaking when your kid knows they are basically an inconvenience to the step parent.

She didn't question her husband not paying half, that wasn't what she was asking. And I said that I believe ALL gifts should be halved. If she wanted half he would probably give it. But he isn't throwing just a £20 gift at his child it's way more than that. He also I would imagine spends more on that child during the year, than his other child that appears to not live with them, which is another reason he probably spends more on the birthday gift. And if she didn't consult him on the cost of their daughter and she refuses to contribute to her step child's present he probably doesn't have enough for half. That isn't his fault. If she spends £300 on gifts and parties and expects half from hubby without consulting him but then he spends £150 on his son, and rightly so, and she won't contribute as she has the opinion of not my child, then 🤷‍♀️ that's actually more down to her actions. And yes she said he didn't consult her about the step sons gift, but why would he if he knows she won't contribute towards it.

I'm fiercely of the belief of treating ALL the kids the same, as they NEVER are the ones that chose their situation. I have a step child and 3 bio children, and I NEVER say I have 3 kids and a step child, I have 4 kids, I only explain it if asked. And I would not put up with my partner treating my older 2 kids like the neighbours kid because he isn't bloody related, once we moved in together he went on halves with all gifts.

He's awful too. Absolutely.

@Swiftie1878 @CindereIIa
What about the DH who barely contributes towards his DD and leaves it to the OP?
Is OP the bad guy because she's a step mum?

Also agree.

Totally nailed it, I can feel her disdain for the SS through the posts.

Is the issue that you would usually spend a bit more on DSS and you're short because of a big spend on DN? Or is £20 usual but DSS wants something unusually expensive this year? I'm not sure £20 is that generous for a step child when you don't have joint finances, but on the other hand you could afford to be more generous if DH paid half for your twins. And DSS shouldn't have loads more spent than your DC, although there's a big age gap so they may get more spent on them when they're older. If you can get him to contribute 50% to your children and you contribute say 20 or 25% to DSS or a set amount this might work out better for you over the longer term as your girls grow up and need phones and laptops and things and DSS becomes an adult and needs less.

What a mess and how sad 😔

Can't believe there are households which function like this.

We have had a joint account and 9nly a joint account since before we were even married. Complete trust, complete transparency l, no hard feelings.

Why would you have separate money, will never understand it. Also, the children must pick up on it...

When I was A SAHM for several years I had no income and at birthdays and Christmas there would never be any mention of who'd paid for what - would be unthinkable.

... And yes, there was some blending with a non resident step-daughter.

I hate to say it but obviously he considers dd your pet, while DSS is the real child.

You spend a lot on birthdays and your DD and DSS should feel very fortunate.
I don't see why you need to mention your niece's gift as it is your private discretionary spending and you don't often spend that much. Presumably you have scrimped and saved on other items for yourself to afford the gift this year.

It seems fair that you always contribute less than DH to your DSS's gifts. Fair also that you each pay 50% of your DD's gift and that you pay all of your niece's gift (and DH pays for all of his neice's gift)

I’m answering the OP’s question. She asked about her gifts to niece and DSS, not my opinion of how she and her DH handle their finances around their own child.

In these situations it’s hard to know how much one person’s behaviour is a result of someone else’s e.g. does he spend a lot on his son because he knows his wife won’t bother (and perhaps he can’t rely on ex-wife either, or ex-wife doesn’t have the finances). I can only really comment on OPs actions here, as she has explained her thought process and admitted she doesn’t treat her DSS as part of her family. That’s just wrong.

@Xsxjxmx
What is the DH here then if he thinks he shouldn't contribute equally to his OWN DD? don't put this all on OP.

No comment on OP's DH contributing only 30% of the value of his own daughter's presents?

It screams 'you are the child of my second marriage and you're not as important to me as my child from my first marriage'. That's much worse than what you think OP is doing. She has no legal responsibility for her step-son (but does still contribute to his gifts), but her DH has a legal responsibility to his own daughter.

You are annoyed with the OP for not going 50/50 on expensive presents for her step-son, but you haven't criticised OP's DH who is contributing only 30% of the value of the gifts for his own daughter with OP.

If OP is an 'evil stepmother', he is an 'evil father 'by your standards.

OP has known her niece since she was born and is very close to her.

I will never understand choosing to have a kid with someone who already has kids. It's ALWAYS messy. I feel sorry for the stepson.

This is a mess that is going to keep rearing its head because there’s a fundamental underlying problem and that is your relationship with your DSS and your DH’s perception of that relationship.
When you marry someone with kids, it’s a package deal. Even if you don’t ‘feel’ the connection to them as a step parent, you have to behave like they are a part of your family. £20 (compared to what you are spending elsewhere on gifts) is a slap in the chops for a step child. It screams ‘you’re not mine and you’re not important to me’. That is not right.

I wouldn't be buying a new phone, when the current one is still being paid for.

People behaving like you is how you get the "evil step mother" being a thing. You are a family! I get not combining finance's if you don't wish to, but personally with gifts it should be 50/50 for family members, is he not seen as uncle to your niece? £20 for your step son is tight as hell, especially for a 14 year old and shows him exactly what you think of him, that he isn't even as important as your niece.
I have a step child and he's bought exactly the same as my bio kids. I also have extended family that aren't actually family anymore as they are my ex's family, but I still buy presents for their bday and Xmas as we all get along and my partner happily contributes to that regardless of what it is.

I guess the main issue is that you’ve let DH get away with not splitting DD’s birthday 50-50? I don’t get why you should be paying 70% unless you are a much higher paid earner than him.

I can't fathom how he thinks it's ok to not contribute equally to the child you share together, but wants you to contribute towards his own child who will then have 3 parents spending money but yours effectively only has one parent spending money. Crazy. I'd refuse until he actually contributes more to your shared child.

No man to me is worth it that much to deal with stuff like this. Dss isn't your child, you don't need to be treating him equally with gifts as long as you are buying him something. That's for his actual parents to sort out.

I wouldn't even feel bad about spending on my DN. Quite pathetic of him to be treating your dd so unfairly.

I would say that until he contributes 50% of his daughters costs then there is no discussion to be had. He is favouring one child over the other and that is not good enough.

What’s his response when you say this to him?