To spend more on my niece than my step child

I regularly spend that and more on my DNs
🤷‍♀️

The OP said she is very close to her niece and since you don’t know the backstory or the OPs finances, I think your comment is inappropriate .

You are supposed to be a family, you are married, yet seem to be arguing like friends or flat mates. Whether you have joint accounts or separate accounts that doesn't matter, all the money surely if family money so why are you doing such weird accounting.

I think it makes sense to discuss presents and type rather than cost - that doesn't matter, it's whatever they want for their birthdays surely?

Find it weird you are both so hung up on costs and -appears to allude to other communication issues!

'DH not put into any of this which i dont expect him to' is the weirdest statement ever.

It sounds as if the OP and her DH buy separate gifts. It’s not what I do but some families set things up that way.

I’m not sure how OP isn’t treating him as part of her family - she is, as her stepchild. Some stepparents take on a parental role and treat their stepchildren as theirs, but plenty do not. He knew he was marrying someone that wasn’t the mother of his eldest, and if having a partner that was willing to take on a parental role was important to him he should have prioritized that. That he didn’t doesn’t mean he gets to try and force you into the role now.

It’s sensible to have separate bank accounts, and it’s not on you to pay towards his individual responsibilities.

YANBU.

DSS has two parents to buy his presents, as does your DC. You should be paying half of your DC’s gift. Your DP should pay the other half and half of DSS. You do not have to pay more than a token amount for DSS and your DP needs to sort himself out.

I suspect, OP, underpinning all of this is your husbands feelings of guilt to his child. He feels bad that his son has been through divorce and he only sees him twice a week. He’s spending lots of money to try to make up for it. He wants you to gush over him to make up for it.

He’s projecting his own insecurities about his relationship with his child onto you.

Everything you’ve said is correct. He needs to treat his children equally.

The starting place for me is the high amounts of money being spent on all the children in this post - a 14 yr old having a new phone when his old phone isn't even paid for, a 5 year old having a £120 from an aunt, etc. That's before you get near the weirdness of apparently separate parental finances AND DH spending more on one of his children than the other not because of their needs or ages, but because of you.
I wouldn't start from here!

Because these parents have separate finances so Dad buys gift for his son and signs it from them both and OP buys a gift for her niece and signs it as from them both. Do you and your DH give separate gifts to DC or from you both? DH and I give DC one gift signed from both of us. I think most parents do not this gift is from me and that gift is from other parents. They live together in the same house. Do you think they should send separate cards too? The Mum should get her son a separate gift as she no longer lives with DC Dad.

You shouldn't be paying anything towards DS's gifts as he has 2 parents of his own to buy them

Why would a step mum not buy a gift for a member of her family?

Which bits do you disagree with?

The irony of your username 😂

For all the children's sakes, I hope you can both resolve this shitshow amicably, before the resentment starts taking root ☹️.

Tell him he has 2 DC so pays equal for each. You have 1 DC so pays half towards her gifts. Your dsc Mum can pay half towards his gifts. You shouldn't be paying anything towards DS's gifts as he has 2 parents of his own to buy them. Point this out to dh. You should only pay half of your shared DC gifts too. Don't tell your DH what you spent on your niece as it's none of his business what you do with your own money. If he didn't know what you spent he couldn't complain. I'd be telling DH if he treats your shared DC not as good as he treats his other DC as your shared DC grows she'll know he loves his other DC more. Stop covering for him.

Honestly, I think you're being perfectly reasonable. You already contribute heavily to your own child’s birthday, and your spending on your niece is a personal choice, especially since you have separate finances.

Your husband expecting you to start paying more for DSS now just because his gifts are getting more expensive isn’t really fair—especially when he’s the one who insists on paying more for DSS in the first place. It sounds like he’s only interested in "fairness" when it benefits him.

You’re not saying DSS shouldn’t have a nice birthday, just that the financial burden for it shouldn’t fall on you, especially when his mum is in the picture and they could coordinate better. If your husband wants to spend hundreds, that’s his choice, but it doesn’t mean you should automatically be expected to match it.
It’s also understandable that you want to do something special for your niece, particularly after a tough year.

You’re not taking anything away from DSS by doing that—you’re just choosing how to spend your money. It sounds like your husband is making this about "fairness" when really, he just wants you to help cover the rising costs of DSS’s gifts rather than actually splitting expenses fairly across both kids.

At the end of the day, it’s not about who gets what exact amount—it’s about financial priorities and respect for each other’s choices. If your finances are separate, he doesn’t really have a leg to stand on in dictating how you spend your money. If he wants "fairness," maybe he should start by contributing equally to your child’s birthday before demanding more from you.

In simple terms money = love in SH’s mind. He thinks you love your niece more than your DSS because you spent more on her present. Whereas DSS is a child of his nuclear family and in the natural order of things you would love a DS more than a DN.

Basically, it’s about you not loving his son enough.

He's making it unfair by spending more on his son than he does on his daughter. Why should he not contribute to his daughter's birthday just because he has a son to financially support. At 14 the kid does not need a new phone when his current one isn't even yet paid off. My 14year old currently has his sisters old phone and won't get a new one until it's necessary for a new one to be purchased. Husband needs to prioritise better rather than ranting off at you when he doesn't even equally contribute to the daughter you share

There can be more than one point to a thread.

The OP has stated a few times that money is tight this month, so hopefully the point isn’t lost on them!

I would not be upgrading an iphone for a 14 year old... I would not be spending £120 on niece - misses the point of the thread.

This. He doesn't get to decide your money has to cover a disproportionate share of DDs costs and go towards DSS also. It's one or the other.

Completely agree with @Swiftie1878 A 5 year old has no concept of how much has been spent on them and gifts they will love tend to be cheaper but still bring a lot of joy. Teens are more difficult and as they get bigger things get more expensive. It sounds as if you simply begrudge SS getting gifts because he's not your focus. Maybe your relationship isn't great because he senses your lack of interest in him.

I think some dm's make their dc think of their df as a cash cow when they separate! I have 4 dc, the youngest dd3 has just turned 17 and I spent £17 on her birthday present. It didn't enter my mind to think I had planned on spending £20 so should have given her the extra £3 cash! She has a reconditioned mobile phone that is 6 years old and I pay £7 a month similar only.
Ds is now 21 but when he was about 14 we agreed he'd get a mobile phone on a contract ( a basic Samsung model j3). He didn't like the phone and somehow it ended in a puddle. I still had to pay the contract so he had to buy a cheap no brand phone from Amazon and we didn't discuss phones again until the contract ended. By this time one of his sisters had given him their old phone so I just paid sim only.

There is a lot to unpick in this situation so I will focus on the phone.

Why is DH buying another phone before the old contract has finished?

And why is a 14 year old getting new phones on contracts instead of old ones on PAYG or cheaper phones?

An issue here is that your husband is reneging on your present-buying agreement because he’s trying to spoil his DS with money he doesn’t have!

If he wants you to contribute, you should get a say in budget and present.

Or he should start saving earlier if he wants to continue choosing expensive presents.

How does he know what you’ve spent on your niece if you have seperate finances?
£120 does seem a lot to spend, I don’t spend that on my own children, however that’s beside the point.
You can spend whatever you wish on anyone you choose if it doesn’t affect your family’s finances.
He should spend a similar amount on both his children, if the younger one has cheaper presents because of age, the difference should be put into her savings account.
I have 2 older ones and a little one, they all get the same spent on them for Christmas and birthdays, if the little ones presents are significantly cheaper I transfer the difference into his child’s savings account.
IMO big presents for his older one should ideally be brought between himself and his ex, and then a smaller gift from yourself either by yourself or a combined present between you and your OH, if they don’t wish to purchase gifts together then everyone should buy their own, with you choosing what to spend on yours.

Your last line is the issue. OP is showing him that she is capable of caring about someone else's child, she just doesn't care about his.