Page 4 | What’s wrong with my husband?

Kakesy · 2025-01-30T01:58:52+00:00

My husband and I have been together for 4 years. He has very little desire for sex. When we travel, for example, it’s extremely rare. In four years, we’ve had sex when away about five times. I would look to the side and he would be already asleep. At home, we have once a month. Once we’ve gone almost six months without it. I’ve ruled out the following factors: (low libido, low sex drive, fatigue, stress, boredom, and relationship problems). These don’t fit his profile, and our relationship is good—the only argument we have is about the lack of sex. It has always been this way, since the beginning. I think he might be asexual and not know it. I would believe more easily that he is asexual if it weren’t for some things from the past that make me very confused. I really need your help because I can’t see things clearly. It’s a huge mystery to me, and he won’t tell me what’s going on or seek a solution (whatever the issue may be). In the past, my husband went to a strip club at least twice without telling me. He paid for a lap dance once and got a love bite on his neck, which he said was from the stripper. He also used to watch porn and would replace sex with me with it. These things make me very suspicious of what the real issue might be. What do you think? Can a man who used to watch porn also be asexual? We agreed that he would stop watching it, but our sex life didn’t improve. He said that he has not been feeling horny lately. I asked if he would change and make our sex life better and he said “I am not sure if I can but I will try” I asked why he said that and his answer was “Our relationship is not good”. He keeps blaming the relationship!! It’s just *****! Last year, while traveling, we went to a bar, and I told him we should go back to the hotel to be intimate. He got mad, stressed, and said I was ruining the night by bringing it up. I felt really sad, cried, and he said he reacted that way because he feels pressured to have sex and has performance anxiety. I don’t know how much I should believe him. I just need to know what his real issue is. If he’s truly not cheating, not watching porn, and not gay, I think I would stay with him because I love him so much. But I need to know what’s really going on and the mistakes he made in the past is making it very difficult to me to see things through. We are on a break now but I feel I can’t live without him. Thanks!

SuzieQ2022 · 30/01/2025 06:37

I have the same problem and was asking myself the same questions, is he gay, why do I turn him off, etc etc. My husband isn't interested in sex with me anymore but he looks at porn. Like you, we have a loving, affectionate relationship but I get more satisfaction from emptying the dishwasher than I do from sex with my husband. My husband is willing to go to couples therapy but I get the feeling he's only going to appease me and he's not making any effort to change. I feel for you, it's like being rejected and frustrated all at once.

Amba1998 · 30/01/2025 06:34

I also think he’s gay

Pamspeople · 30/01/2025 06:31

You said that the relationship is currently on a break. How do you feel about making the break permanent? Can you accept that whatever the reason, you and he are not sexually compatible?

If this was posted by a woman whose husband was repeatedly asking her why she doesn't want sex then when she explains the husband says it's not true and that he's "ruled out" all the reasons she gives, people would be calling his behaviour very unreasonable.

Original poster

Kakesy · 30/01/2025 06:24

Kakesy · 30/01/2025 06:19

I consider and respect your opinion. Of course, he has the right to be tired or simply not in the mood, just like I do. I respect and understand the moments when he doesn’t want to and is tired for example.

The problem is that the frequency with which he is tired is very high. For example, he spends six hours playing golf on a saturday, but for that, he’s not too tired. When we went to Italy for the first time, he was also tired (which means no sex). When we visited Sweden, he was also tired or too drunk. When we spend a weekend away at a hotel, he’s also tired. When we went on a cruise, same thing.

I ask myself, how can he be so tired all the time? I have feelings too. I will try to talk to him again and listen to him more carefully regarding our relationship.

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when he went to the strip club he was abroad and drunk, but he was able to think about doing some horny stuff right? But with me, whether he is drunk or not, abroad or not, he just turns around and goes to sleep.

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Original poster

Kakesy · 30/01/2025 06:19

TangerineClementine · 30/01/2025 06:05

Blaming our relationship is one of his excuses for the lack of sex and I get very mad bc this is not true. As saying he is tired is not true.

OP, I find this kind of uncomfortable to read. No one should be getting mad with their partner for not wanting sex. Who are you to decide whether or not he's too tired for sex? How can you definitively say that it's not true that your relationship problems aren't related to whether or not he wants to have sex? It sounds like when he tries to give you reasons you are dismissing them and not listening to him because they don't fit with your preconceptions.

I consider and respect your opinion. Of course, he has the right to be tired or simply not in the mood, just like I do. I respect and understand the moments when he doesn’t want to and is tired for example.

The problem is that the frequency with which he is tired is very high. For example, he spends six hours playing golf on a saturday, but for that, he’s not too tired. When we went to Italy for the first time, he was also tired (which means no sex). When we visited Sweden, he was also tired or too drunk. When we spend a weekend away at a hotel, he’s also tired. When we went on a cruise, same thing.

I ask myself, how can he be so tired all the time? I have feelings too. I will try to talk to him again and listen to him more carefully regarding our relationship.

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TangerineClementine · 30/01/2025 06:05

Blaming our relationship is one of his excuses for the lack of sex and I get very mad bc this is not true. As saying he is tired is not true.

OP, I find this kind of uncomfortable to read. No one should be getting mad with their partner for not wanting sex. Who are you to decide whether or not he's too tired for sex? How can you definitively say that it's not true that your relationship problems aren't related to whether or not he wants to have sex? It sounds like when he tries to give you reasons you are dismissing them and not listening to him because they don't fit with your preconceptions.

HazelBite · 30/01/2025 05:49

Do not waste your precious, time, life any more with this man. I married someone who would not have sex with me but would comment how hot other women were etc. He was completely reluctant to try and fix the situation but I couldn't cope with my self-esteem being at rock bottom.
After much soul searching I kicked him into touch, it wasn't easy, it was hard and emotional but whatever his problem was I had stopped caring or wanting to fix it because ultimately I knew I couldn't!
Think about the rest of your life there is so much more out there.
I hope for your sake you wake up one morning and realise this. Good luck something better than this angst is out there for you. He will never tell you what's wrong and you do not deserve this.

Pamspeople · 30/01/2025 05:47

Neither of you are happy with the situation, you're incompatible.

You could spend your life trying to work out why he behaves the way he does, but unless he wants things to change you're wasting your time I'm afraid. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life trying to persuade someone to want to have sex with you?

If its been this way since the start of the relationship, I'm wondering why you married him? Did you think something would change?

SALaw · 30/01/2025 05:45

You say besides this your relationship is good, but he says the lack of sex is because your relationship is not good. It sounds like there are issues beyond this in your relationship that you are ignorant of or turning a blind eye to. When he says the relationship is not good do you ask him to explain why?

Floppyelf · 30/01/2025 05:43

He’s gay.

Original poster

Kakesy · 30/01/2025 04:47

cordeliavorkosigan · 30/01/2025 04:37

Sadly I fear that for whatever reason (libido, being gay, relationship not right , whatever), ultimately he does not want to have sex with you. In other words, he's just not that into you.
Sounds like time to find someone who knows you're insanely hot and wants to jump your bones regularly. He's not that guy.

I am not sure about that since things have been the same since the beginning of the relationship, but I wouldn’t rule out that possibility since it could be anything.

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Original poster

Kakesy · 30/01/2025 04:44

MrsJHernandez · 30/01/2025 04:28

Well I'm more likely to believe a stripper did it if he was abroad. I think strippers in some European countries may be more likely to go further than strippers in the UK. Maybe that's just an unconscious bias I have?! If my husband came home with a hickey, I would never, ever believe he didn't cheat.

Because we're not in you DH's head, it's difficult to know what's going on. He may be hiding something but you can't force him to open up to you.

He may be reluctant to see a Dr or talk to someone because I think some men find it embarrassing for some reason. Most women don't find body related stuff as embarrassing as men do.

I really can't imagine he's embarrassed about sex if he asked you to use a plug on him. That's not exactly your standard vanilla!

Is your husband aware that unless he either opens up to you, or seeks help, that the relationship is on rocky ground? IMO, if he loves you and wants the relationship to work, he'll do something about it.

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Since it happened in another country, I also have this doub’t. Anything could have happened (even though we always think our husbands wouldn’t be capable of that), but I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

We’ve been in this situation for a year now. He went to the doctor, but he didn’t ask for the right test and never went back. It’s really frustrating to see that he’s not making an effort. He says he works too much and doesn’t have time. He knows our relationship is at risk, and since I’ve already given him several suggestions to help and nothing has worked, this time I told him to bring me solutions.

I also believe that if he cares about our relationship, he will find a way! I never judged him or asked him to change you know, I just ask him to be honest so we can find a solution to our differences together.

What I meant is that he feels embarrassed when I complain to him about sex because it makes him feel less of a man…I feel like things only get worse when i bring up the lack of sex

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cordeliavorkosigan · 30/01/2025 04:37

Sadly I fear that for whatever reason (libido, being gay, relationship not right , whatever), ultimately he does not want to have sex with you. In other words, he's just not that into you.
Sounds like time to find someone who knows you're insanely hot and wants to jump your bones regularly. He's not that guy.

MrsJHernandez · 30/01/2025 04:28

Kakesy · 30/01/2025 03:42

What’s your opinion regarding the love bite? Many people have told me the same as you, that they highly doubt it was from a stripper. That’s s why I can’t trust him when he says he might have a low libido, because a person with low libido wouldn’t do all the things (wrong things) he’s done, right?

I really don’t know much about strip clubs, but I’ve heard that some clubs aren’t that strict. He was abroad when he got the love bite, so maybe he felt free to do a lot more. Anyway.. I have already forgiven him.

What makes me sad is that I’m the one trying to find solutions for his problems, which I don’t even know what they are. It’s like he doesn’t care about me or our relationship. Even though we have a very good relationship and he is very, very nice to me, but when it comes to sex, he is reluctant. It’s like he gets embarrassed or is hiding something, and he doesn’t do the things I ask (like going to the doctor) because he knows that’s not the real problem.

I also wonder if the problem is really sex incompatibility… it doesn’t t seem to be that. Bc I feel somehow he like sex as much as me.

Once, I had an anal plug ready to use on me, but he asked me to use it on him. I thought it was just a fetish, and I still think that…

I love him very much, I just would like him to open up to me

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Well I'm more likely to believe a stripper did it if he was abroad. I think strippers in some European countries may be more likely to go further than strippers in the UK. Maybe that's just an unconscious bias I have?! If my husband came home with a hickey, I would never, ever believe he didn't cheat.

Because we're not in you DH's head, it's difficult to know what's going on. He may be hiding something but you can't force him to open up to you.

He may be reluctant to see a Dr or talk to someone because I think some men find it embarrassing for some reason. Most women don't find body related stuff as embarrassing as men do.

I really can't imagine he's embarrassed about sex if he asked you to use a plug on him. That's not exactly your standard vanilla!

Is your husband aware that unless he either opens up to you, or seeks help, that the relationship is on rocky ground? IMO, if he loves you and wants the relationship to work, he'll do something about it.

Trashpalace · 30/01/2025 04:23

You have a bigger issue here, and it is not about sex. It is his unwillingness to communicate with you and be in a team with you. One person cannot on their own fix a relationship issue. If he can't or won't engage with your concerns you are on your own with them, and sorry to say, this means you essentially don't have a relationship.

AgentJohnson · 30/01/2025 04:22

You are not sexually compatible with this man, it really is as simple as that. Going down a rabbit hole in an effort to fixing him, doesn’t change that fact.

You need to accept the person he is, instead of clinging to the person you want him to be.

Original poster

Kakesy · 30/01/2025 04:15

GravyBoatWars · 30/01/2025 04:04

The relationship isn't good.

He's saying the relationship isn't good. He's refusing to talk about an issue that's important to you. You don't trust him. You're not even together right now.

Stop trying to tell yourself everything is fine in your relationship except for the sex. If you want to get back together then tell him you'll only do so if you go to counseling - not to "fix" his lack of desire for sex but to address the deeper issues in your relationship. Otherwise you'll have to decide whether to walk away.

I really take your answer into consideration.

I will suggest to him that we do therapy.

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Original poster

Kakesy · 30/01/2025 04:09

LBFseBrom · 30/01/2025 04:03

What do you thinking a doctor can do for him?

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I just wanna him to get his testo checked

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Original poster

Kakesy · 30/01/2025 04:08

FlowerUser · 30/01/2025 03:15

This ^

And he's probably still secretly watching porn and has porn-induced erectile disfunction.

Ask him to see his GP about testosterone, or he can buy it from Numann. If that doesn't work then or he says no, then there's something else going on.

Thank you!!

Do you think that testo can help with ED caused by use of porn?

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GravyBoatWars · 30/01/2025 04:04

The relationship isn't good.

He's saying the relationship isn't good. He's refusing to talk about an issue that's important to you. You don't trust him. You're not even together right now.

Stop trying to tell yourself everything is fine in your relationship except for the sex. If you want to get back together then tell him you'll only do so if you go to counseling - not to "fix" his lack of desire for sex but to address the deeper issues in your relationship. Otherwise you'll have to decide whether to walk away.

LBFseBrom · 30/01/2025 04:03

Kakesy · 30/01/2025 02:52

He won’t share anything with me! I have tried so many times. He always says he is tired and that sex is not a priority for him…

I will def try (again) to get him to see the doctor. Although he claims his libido is fine!

thank you!

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What do you thinking a doctor can do for him?

Original poster

Kakesy · 30/01/2025 03:59

GravyBoatWars · 30/01/2025 03:50

You can't (and shouldn't) coerce your spouse into having sex. Nor do you get to declare him to have a problem because he doesn't want sex as often as you.

But you can decide whether your needs are being met in the marriage and if you're willing to stay in it as is, or if you're only willing to do so if he agrees to couples counseling to talk through the issue.

I’m not forcing him to have sex with me. I question why he doesn’t have sex with me while he watches porn and visits strip clubs, it’s kind of ironic, right?

He’s not open to therapy, but it’s something I’m going to try again.

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Original poster

Kakesy · 30/01/2025 03:56

GravyBoatWars · 30/01/2025 03:45

our relationship is good—the only argument we have is about the lack of sex.

I asked why he said that and his answer was “Our relationship is not good”. He keeps blaming the relationship!!

Things aren't lining up here.

Exactly!

Blaming our relationship is one of his excuses for the lack of sex and I get very mad bc this is not true. As saying that he is tired is not true. Saying that he needs days to disconnect from work and be able to think about sex is not true either. We only argue for the lack of sex, and the lack of sex affects
my humor, my confidence etc. So there are days when I am not at my best. The first two years I never complained about the lack of sex and it was already very bad (as always). We have had many fights over the lack of sex and his lack of responsibility in fixing it, so yeah, maybe the relationship hasn’t been that good in the past few months, but for obvious reasons…

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GravyBoatWars · 30/01/2025 03:50

You can't (and shouldn't) coerce your spouse into having sex. Nor do you get to declare him to have a problem because he doesn't want sex as often as you.

But you can decide whether your needs are being met in the marriage and if you're willing to stay in it as is, or if you're only willing to do so if he agrees to couples counseling to talk through the issue.

WiddlinDiddlin · 30/01/2025 03:48

Plenty of straight men like anal play on themselves, that doesn't automatically equate to gay, no.

But claiming his sex drive is fine, but substitutes porn for real sex with you, goes to strip clubs and tells lies about getting love bites from lapdancers... that does very much suggest he is hiding something from you, yes.