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Original poster

To be fuming at my ex’s new girlfriend trying to coparent with me

65 replies

Veryvraiment · 29/01/2025 20:02

Bit of a backstory, I have 2 children DS (8) and DD (6). Have been separated for 4 years from their dad and have been with my partner for 2 and a half years.

my children’s father has been flakey, sporadic and unpleasant the entire time and has a line of girlfriends (not my business) he introduced one to my children and they were together for about a year (ended with her reporting him to SS after a fight and the police having to remove them from eachother)

he had a stint of about 5 months of not seeing the kids at all when child support finally started catching up (after £2,000 arrears) and he claimed he had a mental breakdown and messaged me apologising and asking to see the children. I agreed but put boundaries in place. He has a new partner who he says that has been supporting him and they had been together for around 6 months so I told him he could start having the children overnight once a fortnight, but for all communication I basically put him in a groupchat with my partner, his partner and his mum because he has a history of being verbally abusive and just straight up lying all the time about arrangements and interactions.

somce then it has been fine, he’s already moved his new girlfriend in and she seems like a nice enough person. Obviously the kids have had to meet her (not ideal) but recently when making plans, he will not communicate at all. She will only send any kind of messages or arrangements and it is super passive aggressive and sickly sweet. The idea was that we communicated but it was a public ish platform so it couldn’t get nasty but it is enraging me to my core. And I found out that they’ve been together for 3 months, and she basically moved in instantly and sending me messages about looking after my children etc. I don’t know how to rectify this without looking like I’m being petty as he’s such a manipulative person any time I say anything at all he manipulates it.

OP posts:
Answeringaquestiontonight · 29/01/2025 21:33

Is his girlfriend irritating or is it irritating that your ex won’t take any responsibility?

Original poster
Veryvraiment · 29/01/2025 21:28

2025willbemytime · 29/01/2025 21:12

If you want to swap weekends in the future you can't moan if they say no to you. It would have been sensible to agree to the change.

I wouldn’t not swap weekends. Historically my ex has a history of wanting to change weekends (he only has them once a fortnight) and if I say No then bombarding me with horrible messages. He will never help me out in any way, doctors, dentists, school activities and on the rare time that I have requested a change it has been shot down immediately (this was years ago) keeping a plan and not changing it is one of the boundaries I have put in place for my mental health

OP posts:
Onlyvisiting · 29/01/2025 21:23

Veryvraiment · 29/01/2025 20:02

Bit of a backstory, I have 2 children DS (8) and DD (6). Have been separated for 4 years from their dad and have been with my partner for 2 and a half years.

my children’s father has been flakey, sporadic and unpleasant the entire time and has a line of girlfriends (not my business) he introduced one to my children and they were together for about a year (ended with her reporting him to SS after a fight and the police having to remove them from eachother)

he had a stint of about 5 months of not seeing the kids at all when child support finally started catching up (after £2,000 arrears) and he claimed he had a mental breakdown and messaged me apologising and asking to see the children. I agreed but put boundaries in place. He has a new partner who he says that has been supporting him and they had been together for around 6 months so I told him he could start having the children overnight once a fortnight, but for all communication I basically put him in a groupchat with my partner, his partner and his mum because he has a history of being verbally abusive and just straight up lying all the time about arrangements and interactions.

somce then it has been fine, he’s already moved his new girlfriend in and she seems like a nice enough person. Obviously the kids have had to meet her (not ideal) but recently when making plans, he will not communicate at all. She will only send any kind of messages or arrangements and it is super passive aggressive and sickly sweet. The idea was that we communicated but it was a public ish platform so it couldn’t get nasty but it is enraging me to my core. And I found out that they’ve been together for 3 months, and she basically moved in instantly and sending me messages about looking after my children etc. I don’t know how to rectify this without looking like I’m being petty as he’s such a manipulative person any time I say anything at all he manipulates it.

Isn't there a special app/platform for that?

Just googled - my parenting wizard is one.
I've seen people mention it when communications are likely to be combative.
I think it keeps a record and keeps it off of your other contacts so tlu don't have to have them on social media etc, and can be used in custody disputes etc.

Irvinesv · 29/01/2025 21:21

Kill with kindness and only reply when needed and with what you think is necessary. Is there a lot of messages? Maybe mute the group so you control when you see messages.
sounds like a way to try and get a reaction from you

MrWise · 29/01/2025 21:19

I think you just thumbs up everything/respond in kind. Or if you really want to play silly beggars get your partner to reply Wink

strawberrycrumbles · 29/01/2025 21:19

Starlight7080 · 29/01/2025 20:11

I wouldn't let my children stay overnight with a stranger who has been involved with my ex for only 3 months .
Day visit ok but not overnight .
The fact they have lied already speaks volumes

you don't have the choice. That's the problem with separation, when it's the other parent's turn, you have no say on who is in the house.

grumpygrape · 29/01/2025 21:18

Rainbowqueeen · 29/01/2025 20:26

Use a parenting app for all communication. That will give you all the comfort you need - messages can't be deleted.

He's clearly a shitty person as well as a shitty parent. And that will never change, girlfriend or no girlfriend. The best way to manage that is to only communicate about the DC and make the DC available for the agreed contact schedule. If he doesnt turn up or tries to change it, just dont agree. Distract the kids. Focus on helping them deal with the fact that their father is a waste of space.

This.

Most Family Courts suggest using a proper co-parenting app as they usually have calendars and any messages can't be altered or deleted if taken to Court.

Starsandall · 29/01/2025 21:18

A bit late but I would not have added her in the first place. Some men like being mothered and some women like doing it maybe she is one. I’m not sure how you would backtrack now. But if this relationship breaks down and he goes no contact do not go back on it. Unless you change the routine so no overnights but really I think you need a reason.

Fraaances · 29/01/2025 21:17

what about one of those proper parenting apps? It would be acceptable in court and keep pass ag comments to a minimum? Who cares who’s driving it?

adviceneeded1990 · 29/01/2025 21:14

As others have said, you basically invited this by starting a group chat and including his very new partner! He sounds like a totally incompetent father though so if she’s nice enough and a protective factor for your kids then her involvement maybe isn’t the worst thing.

2025willbemytime · 29/01/2025 21:12

If you want to swap weekends in the future you can't moan if they say no to you. It would have been sensible to agree to the change.

fc123 · 29/01/2025 21:11

HollyKnight · 29/01/2025 21:09

I actually think it was smart to have witnesses in the chat. She probably hates it as much as you do tbh. Just keep being sickly sweet and unbothered.

I agree. Everyone can see every bit of communication

GlitchStitch · 29/01/2025 21:10

You muddied the waters by adding her into a chat about arrangements for the kids. She might assume you've invited her to be involved and have a say. That WhatsApp group needs to go.

HollyKnight · 29/01/2025 21:09

I actually think it was smart to have witnesses in the chat. She probably hates it as much as you do tbh. Just keep being sickly sweet and unbothered.

dustofneptune · 29/01/2025 21:09

Tbh I'd just be REALLY nice back. Blush smiley face emojis and stuff. I have a genuinely narcissistic/abusive ex (no longer in my life), and trying to arrange childcare with her was absolutely horrendous. So I understand what you're going through. There's always a chance his new GF is genuinely trying to be a good person, and doesn't want to get on bad terms with you. But if you know 100% that it's not that, and she's genuinely baiting you, just stick to the facts, put the kids first, and try to ignore any nonsense. It's not worth your time.

Ppzd · 29/01/2025 20:46

Personally, the group chat and even her trying to make the coparenting arrangements aren't the problem. The problem is having that person in your kids' life while she's been with their dad for 3mo! That is madness! If the kids don't have to stay overnight by court order, why let them? How can you trust such a person?

Original poster
Veryvraiment · 29/01/2025 20:41

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 29/01/2025 20:36

It's not ideal but I don't think you can stop him moving his gf in, meeting the kids etc. You can change the messaging platform if you want, but it sounds like it has achieved what you wanted to achieve as he is no longer being abusive to you over messages. Patronising gf sounds annoying but I think I'd rather deal with her than an a nasty abusive aggressive ex. So I think I'd put up with it. And if he is a shit dad, happy to go without seeing his kids for a while etc then maybe it's a good thing that the children have someone else there

Yeah, you’re probably right.

OP posts:
crashbandicooty · 29/01/2025 20:39

You kind of asked for this dynamic by making a WhatsApp group and adding her to it.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 29/01/2025 20:36

It's not ideal but I don't think you can stop him moving his gf in, meeting the kids etc. You can change the messaging platform if you want, but it sounds like it has achieved what you wanted to achieve as he is no longer being abusive to you over messages. Patronising gf sounds annoying but I think I'd rather deal with her than an a nasty abusive aggressive ex. So I think I'd put up with it. And if he is a shit dad, happy to go without seeing his kids for a while etc then maybe it's a good thing that the children have someone else there

Original poster
Veryvraiment · 29/01/2025 20:34

@Mumbodadhd oh god, tell me it gets better 😂

OP posts:
OneShoeShort · 29/01/2025 20:34

I think your focus on the gf is misplaced, and you’re not in a great position to objectively read her tone through texts. It is very easy to read condescension when a person you know is actually just tip-toeing, trying to be super sweet and unobjectionable if you’re primed for a negative interpretation.

Stop with the group chat - bringing your partner and grandparents into it then calling foul when he lets his partner in is not going to work. I agree with others that I would use a parenting app designed for this scenario and tell him you’ll only respond to communication via that platform. That way you have a record of everything said.

Seas164 · 29/01/2025 20:34

Asking your abusive ex's new partner and mother to be in a group chat to keep things civil was an idea, but probably not the best one.

Another vote for a court approved parenting app, I'd forget trying to keep things amicable and build a relationship with her, as if the past is anything to go by she will have a short shelf life and you'll be back to square one.

Get an app set up and then add him as a co parent, and then all change requests and messaging can be done there and you can block him elsewhere.

Billyblue47 · 29/01/2025 20:34

I think you need a parenting app like appclose or my family wizard.

Schoolchoicesucks · 29/01/2025 20:32

Can you ignore the condescension, responding factually and as though you expect the messages to be coming from your ex (as if he was using the gf's phone)?

If you think she seems an OK person and you think he's treating the kids OK then don't rock the boat is my suggestion I guess. Imagine he's not your abusive ex any more. She's not some annoying new gf. They are a spliced person and you just need to tell them what they need to know for arrangements for the kids.

Mumbodadhd · 29/01/2025 20:31

Sympathies OP, my ex IMMEDIATELY handed over his responsibilities to his new gf, she moved in after only meeting him a handful of times!? Luckily she's a sweet person so DD isnt at risk imo, and all I can think is this new woman is A COMPLETE FUCKING MUG to be running around after some dude's kid from a previous relationship 🤨 (clearly why he picked her).

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