To have reacted like this to my parents?

OP I completely understand the hurt you must feel at your DH not understanding how traumatic your horrible experiences with ex were at a very vulnerable time. You were there for your DC while he just opted out and treated you appallingly.

He certainly does not deserve to be included in your own family gatherings as if he is a lovely involved caring dad. If ge wants to give DD parties and celebrations he can do so with his own family. Your DD doesn’t have him around most of the time so it will just be normal for her, especially as he was completely absent for that first year plus.

You are being pretty gracious to even put up with being with him once a week. Maybe when the dust settles you can talk to your parents and find out what your DF thought by his suggestiin and then ask him to try to understand what you went through and how you need strong boundaries now. I hooe he can understand. What does your DM say?

Honestly, as much as I understand your hurt, I would prefer my parent was open to being civil with my ex for the sake of my DD than held a grudge and never wanted to be around them, as if you can deal with it, then so can they. It sounds like he was just wondering and it also sounds like you aren’t ready for that. Which is also okay.

@User1033 my parents divorced wheb I was 5. I haven't spend a birthday with my father since then and I was 28 and a mother myself before I spend a christmas with again. It did not make or break our relationship it was just the norm.

I get what you're saying, your ex doesn't deserve a happy gathering with family.

However I'm sure your dd would love it and would create nice memories for her. I think this is what your father was suggesting. He clearly didn't realise how awful it would make you feel.

Maybe just pick up the phone and talk with him?

Yep, this.

Agreed. Your ex was a shit, but your dad isn't wanting to be his mate and go to the pub together, he wants everyone to be grown ups as and when the circumstances arise that it might make sense for them to be in the same room.

I don't really understand the drama and awful dad comments? It would make more sense if you were refusing to see him or whatever, but your boundary is that you don't want your parents to see him? Odd.

Your Dad suggested that as DD is seeing HER Dad (your ex) it might be nice if sometimes you, ex, DD and grandparents did things together

All you needed to say was "that wouldn't work for me, Dad, because ex treated me really badly and I find being around him very challenging"

Why all the drama?

YANBU for not wanting them to spend time together, but YABU for how you handled it.
in fairness to your dad this ex spends time with DD and even you spend time with him. So maybe he’s thinking if you can accept it for DDs sake then this is the same.

I suspect his priorities are going to his grandchild.

@User1033 I am actually at a loss as to why your father would think this was remotely possible!!! his loyalty is supposed to be to you and your child. definitely not supposed to show any loyalty to the nasty sperm donor!! pretty shocked also at the audacity of the sperm donor showing up when your dc was 14 months old!!! totally missed out on all the hard work!!!

I don't think calling your father an an awful dad is ok.

In the future for school events and birthdays it is nice if everyone can be there for your dd.

My ex was abusive. He's still my son's Dad though and we have to co-parent a lot.

I think you’ll all need to be in the same room in the future. Milestone birthdays, graduations, etc. As a child of divorced parents I can attest to the fact that it is incredibly uncomfortable when your parents can’t be civil to eacother. Or spend the entire time ensuring they are on opposite sides of the room. It used to make me so anxious.

I get that you’re the aggrieved party, but you will need to rise above it. Maybe that’s what your dad was alluding to. I doubt he’s gagging to spend time with your ex. More that he is anticipating future gatherings, and the practicalities that come with that.

Anyway, it may never happen. It sounds like he is kind of uninterested in being a father anyway.

If your dad is normally kind and supportive, I think you may need to apologise.

I get that and it's fine if these are your boundaries. I was just saying that there's no need to fall out with your father over this, his suggestion was insensitive but not outrageous.

Oh god OP
If that was my dad he'd not want to be anywhere near your ex...he'd want to throw some punches (not literally, not condoning violence here but you know what I mean ... He'd be furious beyond belief)
I don't blame you at all, I'd find that disloyal tbh and be pissed off that he thinks he knows better than you in this situation, I'm sure you've thought about all the options yourself and done what you think is in your child's best interests!

It sounds like you're reacting out of understandable hurt but your dad hasn't said anything massively unreasonable, it didn't sound to me like he was desperate to spend time with your ex, just that for your DD's sake he was floating the idea of it which isn't terrible. I certainly don't think he deserved to be called an awful father for it.

Your ex behaved appallingly but it doesn't mean he was abusive.

I think the best thing you can do really is give yourself time to calm down, apologise to your dad and explain you're still feeling very hurt by what happened with your ex. I'm sure he'll understand.

Leaving you and refusing to have anything to do with his kid was absolutely shit behaviour from him, but it’s not abuse. I thought you meant you’d left out a story of sexual or physical/mental abuse and we’d missed some context as a result.

Id apologise to your dad for calling him an awful father but explain how much what he did still upsets you, and agree if that if it crops up in the future that both them and her dad will be at an event for DD that that’s fine but that other than that there’s no need for them to see him. If it’s not a blanket ban forever it could make more sense and cause less fall out. Hopefully your dad just didn’t realise how upset you still are even though you have to see him now

From my experience of blended families, the more people are willing to see eye to eye the better. Your Dad is suggesting this for his grand daughter, to ensure transitions and events in her life go smoothly. It's not a slight on you at all, he doesn't want to be friends with your ex he just wants to make life easier for your daughter.

I understand your sensitive but I think you need to see this from your child's perspective.

My husband's ex is an absolute nightmare, her family are a nightmare also. I absolutely dread my step children's weddings, life events already! And I'm sure when they become of age where they realise fully it will be heartbreaking for them. Sadly it could so easily be fixed by communication which just isn't happening.

Your Dad doesn't give a crap about your ex but he cares about you and his grand daughter. You need to sit down and talk again.

You said he left you? You haven’t said anything about abuse?

I'm surprised your dad wants to socialise with your ex-partner. If anyone had treated my DD as badly as you have been treated, I would not want to be in their company.

You need to maintain a relationship with your ex to facilitate him seeing your daughter, but there is no need for your parents to socialise with him. It was very insensitive of your dad to keep pushing this.

I can understand why it upset you, but really he's not suggested anything outrageous like becoming drink buddies with your ex. Just that you don't keep them away at special occasions. It seems to come from a good place regardless, so I'd try to get over it if I were you.

It seems like a really insensitive comment on his part, I’m not surprised you reacted.

I think your ex has behaved poorly enough for this to be a very reasonable boundary to have, YANBU.

I agree with you to an extent, but it does seem a bit hypocritical that you say you sometimes spend time with your DD and ex, for that reason I can understand your dads confusion that you won’t do the same with them.
I think in the long run you would be better off being civil in having him attend birthday parties etc as your DD gets older, because as a pp said - what about potential weddings and graduation later on - she can’t have 2 of them just to please you both.