To wish I’d known how miserable it is parenting alone (not a single parent)

Getting everyone up and out in the morning, and then doing pick up and the grind of tea/bath/book/bed is the busiest and often worst bit of the day. DH is away for work at the moment and I am solo for a while and it's grim. I see you OP.

I hear you @iwishihadknownthis 🙌🏻 nursery aged DC. DH works at sea - 4 weeks on/4 weeks off. Sounds amazing having him here for 4 weeks completely off work, but really it just knocks our routine out and then the 4 weeks that he’s away are even harder because those 4 weeks need to be run like a military operation to get everything done.

DC are definitely starting to notice him being gone more than they used to and it causes some really big feelings (which is completely understandable).
I work 3.5 days per week when he’s away and 4.5 when he’s home and we have no wider family support.
Ive also recently been diagnosed chronic health condition which we’re struggling to find the right balance of meds for and unfortunately the main symptoms are extreme fatigue and low moods so it’s really kicking me at the moment.

Oh OP, I feel you right now. My DH is away for work tonight and I’ve got 3 DC (6, 2 and 8 months). We live abroad so no family support. I feel so depressed tonight, I’ve really really struggled. I’m lying here awake, know that I’ll be waking up at 3am to feed baby, and that I should try and get some sleep. But I’m dreading tomorrow morning when I have to wrangle the baby and toddler, and get the 6-year old fed, dressed in uniform, lunch packed, and to school on time.

My (final!!) mat leave finishes soon, and I have no idea how I’m going to do this while working full-time. I’m just trying not to think about it.

Is he actually working these hours, or is there a bit of choice involved where he is "back late" every day? I think the latter causes untold resentment.

4 and 1 is a tough gig at the best of times. Is the money worth it? It does get better.

Are you getting any time to yourself?

I love this advice! It can be so hard to not try and be perfect that you end up not enjoying the small things. Lowering unnecessary standards isn’t going to hurt anyone and makes life a little more enjoyable.

I would speak to DH about getting organised at the weekends to try and reduce some of the stress on you during the week. So making his job to do some meal prep, laundry and cleaning.

I also love a Tonies box to help with bedtime and night time wake ups. It’s not foolproof but my kids like listening to the stories as they go to sleep so the majority of the time it keeps bedtime calmer and they put it on if they wake up although if the battery dies they can wake me up which isn’t ideal.

I also have a rewards chart - we have used it sporadically as my youngest wasn’t the easiest to reason with but now she is 4 she likes earning the stars for the treat at the end of the week. We have going to bed calmly as one of their goals and just keep it as simple as that one goal daily for them to meet in order to get maybe to go to the park at the weekend or a special biscuit/sweet from the shop.
Its definitely hard as they change the rules on you as they develop constantly and it feels never ending at the time!!!

Yes and as they get older they can brush their own teeth, pjs on, get a beaker of water etc. The landry is still never ending though 🙂.

I had similar too. Rules were:

1. Not home by 7pm = no meal. If meal wanted bedtime and story required whilst i cooked.
2. decent lie in either Sat/Sun
3. 4-5 night holiday with friends once a year (which was reciprocated)

Now that I'm working more I don't cook on my working nights.
Marriages only work if both people are getting something from it.

Interesting (and valid) point.
Parenting small children must be extremely hard.
No children here and also, most of our parents (generation born in the 80s) didn't seem to bother that much.

Tbh I found it much worse being a parent who was doing it all whilst living with a largely absent and crappy husband than I do being an actual single parent.

Not because it was actually more worse - it wasn’t - but because the resentment is so exhausting in itself.

OP is there hope of anything changing?

Is you DH in a specialised field (doctor etc) where this is likely to be the reality for the foreseeable future? Or would it be possible for him to change company and work less?

Also, does he earn enough to justify these hours?

I know you’re not looking for suggestions but just wondering if you have any light at the end of the tunnel.

I feel you…
It’s very hard. I’m on the same boat.

It’s so hard in the evenings. I usually cave and put the TV on, then have to face the tantrum for the TV going off from an exhausted toddler.
It’s the laundry that gets me down. It never ends, there is always more to wash, dry and put away. It is thankless and unending and I always forget to check pockets for tissues and end up with the tiny shitty tissue scraps everywhere. Ugh.
Solidarity OP.

But her husband works all the time, and she's a parent doing it by herself, that's her whole aibu

Same OP; it’s done untold damage to our marriage and my DH doesn’t understand why

Well, you have decided to have 3 kids...

It’s tough op. It’s just me & 1 DD & I’m shattered! Although a lot less shattered now than when my ex lived here as I had more to do then!

hope things improve for you.

I've been shouted down for this before, but in some cases it is worse than being a single parent. My sister (who is great and supportive) has it so much better than I do - divorced, large settlement, maintenance and every other weekend has excellent childcare.

She does realise why divorce isn't a realistic option for me (don't ever get trapped in dependency) but it shouldn't be like this.

Solidarity OP- my husband is an emergency worker/long shifts/nights etc, away 4-5 nights a week works all weekend etc. I work FT. Kids are 7 and 10 now but my god its was hard when they were small. I only managed as I had family local to me. All the night wakings on my own was horrendous x

I have real issues with executive function so I find the organising everything difficult and soul-destroying - the nursery bag, the school bag, making sure the homework is done, remembering all the stuff school are asking for, the swim bag, the sports stuff etc.

The only solution I've found to that is coming through the door and making sure everything is ready for the next day (bags packed, clothes laid out in piles, homework done) before I start dinner or sit down. The mess doesn't matter, it can wait, but it's stressful in the morning rush if we don't have everything immediately to hand.

When we decided we'd have children my husband was around a lot. Once it got real he suddenly started having to do long hours and then work away Monday to Friday and it's very different to friends who have husbands at home every morning and evening. Sending you solidarity! Mine aren't at school yet and I love being a SAHM. But it isn't quite like I imagined with no husband until the weekend.

Yes it's really hard. My DH worked away a lot when ours were small and I did it all on my own. He worked hard so that I could be a SAHM but with 5 kids it was still tough doing all the mornings/school runs and tea/bath/bedtime alone. Most nights I fell into bed exhausted! No advice really except being very organised and making sure uniforms/lunchboxes/book bags/PE kits were all ready the night before and tea/bath/bed were done relatively early so bedtime was 7.30ish with stories and cuddles and lights out at 8. It does get easier as they get older so hang in there!

I have to say my experience of doing it alone in a relationship was soooo much harder than doing it alone not in a relationship. It's happened to me twice, first time it was easier as I didn't have the drain in my emotional and energy resources that maintaining a relationship cost so felt I had more energy left fir doing 100% of the parenting. Second time was the same but he actually has his kid overnight and sometimes takes my older two (who are not his but he loves as been their step parent fir years). My god time off and no emotional drain of maintaining a relationship with a man who's rarely home? It's thousands times easier than in a relationship doing everything with no time off!!

Even better if luxury nanny could also be a make up artist for me, and lay out my clothes to wear before I get up, then take me to the train..