To wish I’d known how miserable it is parenting alone (not a single parent)

Then no wonder you feel dismal. Nobody can function without sleep let alone enjoy life.

It is very likely the husband is simply staying longer at work to avoid the hard bits of parenting. I have seen it in any job I have ever had. Men hanging around late at work, even watching football on the computer, all to avoid going home until the kids are in bed.
It is not the job of other relatives to make up for a shit dad

I hear you OP. 15 months between my 2. It's relentless and the only advice I have is to sort things out with your DH now before it's too late and everyone just assumes you'll do everything. I didn't. My kids are now 17 and 18 and I wish I had. Teenagers need you FAR more than toddlers, and unfortunately are much harder work, but in a very different way

Yes it is hard. I know because I’ve done just that with three.

for the last four years I’ve done it entirely alone in that he’s never there because he is not allowed to be. Enough said.

for the last two and a half years I’ve done it and worked f/t too going back to work when the youngest was five
there is nobody else to help
they are all currently primary school aged

not sure what to say other than I am not trying to berate you or judge you, but trust me it can be logistically so much harder than what you have right now and whilst that is not intended to serve as a sermon or lecture it’s hopefully going to make you feel less alone that I am in this thing called parenting. Though I can appreciate all the things that fuck you off as you describe are also draining.

look, you will get through it but it is an affront to your sense of self and what you think you signed up for. But if he is a good man, you love each other and your children are safe in all senses when he IS there then try to hold on to that. Their needs will change. Hopefully all those things won’t.

this too shall pass

Been there done that - it was awful. It is not the same as being a single parent as you do have the second salary and the occasional support. It is the constant having to do everything yourself but then having to take DH's opinions when making decisions over child rearing eg choice of school etc. The number of times DH said I will be home at X pm but never was always some excuse too much work, had to pop and see someone on the way home etc etc.
What gets me is giving me instructions on child care when we look after the GDC which our kids have to bite their tongues.

It's so tiring. Throw money at the problem as much as you possibly can

I hear you. It's really hard.

My younger two had a 20 month age gap, and DH was out from around 6.30am until 7/7.30pm.
So, still home to pitch in with bedtime, but only really for the last part?
I worked weekends while he dealt with the kids, so it was definitely a team effort.
But, god it was hard work.

I feel your pain. Had 3 under 3 and a husband working abroad Mon - Fri, staying in 5* hotels. It passes. He earned the money that has paid for us to have a nice life - my teacher salary would never go anywhere near.

Does your husband do those hours because he's paid to do long shifts? Or because he's struggling to finish his workload? Or something else?

In this day and age, he can surely get home early one day a week and do the pick up?

If not, resentment is going to set in.

I think it is, you know

It's the family's job to help out with childcare where they can, and to provide a break where possible

I'm not sure what dh's work situation is, does he have a choice about his job? Can he reduce hours?

He needs to prioritise his marriage and family where possible but that's not gonna solve the child support issue which is that the op needs a break

What does he do on his days off?

I know but that’s what they need to address.
It’s not either of the mother’s jobs.

Did he do these hours before kids?

I think he needs to do a half day with the kids every Saturday- basically you don't clock on til after they've finished lunch. Whether that's a lie in, a bath, out for a walk with a friend.

It'll give dh time with the kids abd give you a break.

I'd agree with that...a single parent with a village (supportive and competent co parent; involved, local grandparents; paid help) could potentially be easier than being married and having none of those things.

And everyone knows what a single parent is, because there's a term for it....'villageless married parent doing it all' is not a recognised thing... VMPDIA... doesn't work does it 😂

But the hardest couple of hours is teatime and bedtime after a day at work. Doing that 5 days a week instead of 3 days isn't an improvement

Less time with them in the day

And how will that make bedtimes easier?

Ffs can Mumsnet please create an eye roll reaction for these kind of posts please?

Yea its shit. I did this for years. Then i ended up hating him and leaving. Much better now, he was pointless and useless.
Being single is actually easier without the other parent.

Go back full time and put them in nursery?

I completely get it - I WFH and DH works 10 hour days with an hour commute each way so I get DD up, ready and to childminders and then pick up, do dinner and bath time and he comes in, reads her one book and I’m flat on my backside trying to juggle everything. It’s shit, and it feels good to say it.

Sending sympathy. DP was out of the house 7-7 for years when DC were little. He gradually started doing Fridays at home and by the time DC2 was five, was even doing school drop offs, pick ups and sorting tea for them on a Friday!

Is he actually working these hours, or is there a bit of choice involved where he is "back late" every day? I think the latter causes untold resentment.

This would be my question too. Over my working life I've worked with an awful lot of men who were in early and left late but really did it because it suited them best - they avoided the hard bits of home and weren't under pressure to finish work at a particular time.

You poor things.

I so remember those times in the past. It really does get better as they get a bit older. I hope you get absolutely tons of sleep @iwishihadknownthis . It certainly kept me sane.