To wish I’d known how miserable it is parenting alone (not a single parent)

No tips but writing this in solidarity!

DH works 12 hour shifts and it takes him half hour to get to and from work so he’s often out for 13 hours 3-6 days a week depending on his shift pattern

To give him his due he takes the oldest to school, used to take the middle one to nursery (until he’s decided only mummy can do it) and will do the last night feed for my 3 month old before he goes to bed

But everything in between is left to me, from the evening pick ups, food shopping, house admin and cleaning (it’s the same when I’m working because I work about 1/3 of what he does)

I dread bedtime because my middle one won’t sleep.

Currently hiding upstairs for a minute just to pull myself together a bit because I’m on my own with one child with chickenpox and another having injections today and it’s felt like a long and stressful day (more than normal wrestling the kids into bed anyway)

I work and my partner works full time too. I get how hard it is as well. He's often leaving earlier than our child wakes up and most of the times isn't back before I have to do bedtime, so everything is down to me. It's incredibly tiring and stressful being the default parent.

You only have to look at the stats on declining numbers of kids per woman across Europe to see that a lot of us find bits of it hard - trying to be present at work, ensure your dc have good food, a nice home, good experiences, happy memories and that you keep on top of chores and life admin whilst not sleeping well....yeah sign me up!

Not to mention the endless bugs!!!

Ooh @FiddlefigOnTheRoof snap! Honestly it is so relentless when they're little. Good friends do help - they can be hard to find though...

@iwishihadknownthis are you able to seek out someone with kids similar ages in the same type of circumstances? I had a friend who was also alone for long periods due to husband working overseas and we honestly kept each other sane. We’d take it in turns to cook tea once a week or so one of us had a cooking break, or just meet up on the weekend to let the kids entertain each other and have a chat.
I also took out membership to a soft play near us so that I could just decide to go whenever I needed to escape.

I used to think

• if I had a non painful temporary illness that required hospitalisation, I could read a book and get fed
• if I divorced I’d get every other weekend to myself

But as I said upthread, it does get easier and your relationship can and will recover.

I think the problem with waiting that long for some of us in this situation is that any love we felt for our DHs will have long gone by then. I was also concerned about my DC having a bad childhood.

It's better to be with him then alone completely. Children will grow and become independent, so you'll find it alot easier. I was in a similar situation. Now mine are teens and I'm back at work. My husband's going to look for a job with better hours, now I'm earning and contributing to the pot. Things don't stay the same forever, it will change.

That works when they are all little but then the eldest may go to brownies or other activities which involve a 7:30 pick up.

I have a very light hearted suggestion which is to grab and glass of wine one evening and watch Nightbitch (on Disney) it's a slightly odd film but sums up the loneliness of motherhood pretty well.

My DH worked away 7/10 days at a time when mine were little, home for 2/3 but was recovering from and then preparing for work in those days off. It was crap, and not what I’d choose in hindsight.

If they are nursery age are they they not in bed by about 7? Then you'd have your evenings to relax? I didn't struggle then or now that they're teens we all just do our own thing but I was less keen when bedtime was 9ish as I didn't get much downtime.

I get what you mean about solutions. My DH ended up having to change jobs because I ended up hating him for spending the week in a hotel while I was stuck with all the drudge work. The kids were really suffering too from how stressed and burnt out I was all the time.

Yanbu. It's tough going to wrangle 2 under 5's at the best of time, and absolutely normal you would feel wiped out especially when I've of them is unwell and you are getting no sleep. Sometimes the only thing you can do is tell yourself that this too shall pass and know that things will get easier as they get older. I went through a similar situation and was exhausted with lack of sleep, we arranged for.me to spend a night at a local hotel. Being able to switch off from everything ( kids, housework,...) and get a decent sleep made the world of difference.

Oh God I totally relate to fantasising about getting divorced to get every other weekend off! I love my DH but family life can be a bit dull and relentless. I guess it gets easier as they get older but it's still not easy - bedtime is still a lengthy chore in my house, that involves multiple checking in and kids who are masters at starting deep, emotional conversations and tears at 9.25pm 🙄 If only I had mastered the quick cuddle and lights out technique!

Yep! Shit, lonely and exhausting. I remember feeling so resentful as it felt like his job was ruining my experience of parenting. I hope it improves for you soon.

Oh OP, we get it!
DH worked away all week for the whole of our 2 DS's childhoods. 15 month gap between them. It was really tough.
It's more than ok to say you're finding it hard. There were definitely times where I thought "I didn't sign up for this!" and some days I just felt absolutely desperate to have a break. Both DS's were unbelievably crap sleepers too.
Agree with pp's - stuffing them in front of the tv with their food, letting chores slide, cancelling bath time and downscaling ambitions, it's all gone on in this house. Without any guilt. Do what you need to do to get all of you through the day.
We ate a lot of toasted sandwiches. They've survived their childhoods and have some nice memories of 'sofa sleepovers' with Mum in front of the tv😬
There were periods where DH was only home for a night a week (and with a ton of washing) and that was a massive strain on our marriage.

All fine now, but I recognise looking back how down I was for much of that time. Just had nothing left in the tank.
Wish I'd been on here then, if only to know there were others in the same position. It's good to let it out! x

Hugs. My situation was the same when my kids were young, but I didn’t work. My Dh got home at 6 but wouldn’t help until he had got changed, had a break and got organised for the next day. He did help a bit, but would get annoyed that the house wasn’t spotless. All the meals have to be from scratch. I basically had to be a stepford wife.
I learned to take a break during the day, and took a couple of hours to do the shopping.
It’s easier now, the kids are older and Dh is more relaxed. It does get easier, but you really need to take some time to yourself on the weekends.

I hear you OP. My DH is a pilot and when we had young kids and he was long haul it was pretty tough. Mostly the incessantness of it all. CBeebies, easy meals… kitchen discos, glasses of wine, friends all helped me through, but I do remember dreading weekends on my own and also that bit of late afternoon time.
I made a huge effort to network with other parents so I could ask for help when I needed it (no family around).
We got through it, though I do admit to feeling a bit resentful at times knowing DH was in a hotel with someone cooking, cleaning, making his bed etc. whilst I was unglamorously juggling everything at home and my own job.
On the flip side, there was something quite special about that time with the kids, we were a little team muddling through with no one else to raise an eyebrow when I decided to do something unusual like all pile into my bed at 5pm and watch a movie with sandwiches, or go to bed with the house in a tip…

I've been a single parent since DC were 5 and 1 and it's a hell of a lot better than when I was doing 90% of the childcare and still in a relationship. I stopped being resentful and annoyed and focused on setting my own routines and boundaries and I've never looked back. My DC are older now and parenting alone gives me so much pleasure. You aren't being unreasonable to feel the way you do but you are in control of your own life, don't expect other people to prioritise your happiness if you won't.

But the op is saying she’s getting kids ready by herself EVERY SINGLE DAY for months on end.