To wish I’d known how miserable it is parenting alone (not a single parent)

Everyone think this but it’s all about changing your mindset! So many people are ‘married single mothers’ or living with partners who really don’t pick up the slack when it comes to childcare/ household duties. Think of it as one less adult to bump heads with. Live life travel make pre school friends, soft play, extended family with your child alone. It can be done

my ex and I had a child together who is now in there 20’s
every single parenting decision was on me , I did everything, apart from the odd school run ,
I dealt alone with the awful bullying she had at school, and getting a dyslexia diagnosis and help in place , medical stuff and on it went
I wish I had realised when she was 4 and he was cajoled by Me into learning to play !playing cricket ( his grand plan)with her when she couldn’t hit the ball he was furious and actually hit the ball at her several times. This went on for her whole childhood.
in various forms ,just didn’t realise it was happening, his fury at her being no good at sports so difficult to manage. I was trying to build her up while he was just disappointed and cruel..
needless to say he was a narcissist who had no capacity for love in any form.
thankfully I woke up ,and kicked him out .
my amazing daughter although damaged by his weird behaviour and mind games
got 12 GCSE’s and 3 Alevels and although she’s been extremely damaged by having a father who was manipulative coerce angry etc
after all the battles I fought alone ,( it’s been the hardest journey) I was so
completely moved by a letter she wrote me this week.
” Mum I realise now what a warrior you are “
how you raised me and loved me put me first etc etc
she ended it with , I am and always will be eternally grateful.

How many of them could come home, do bedtime and bath time, and then log in later?

It might be more tiring, they might prefer to have dinner in a peaceful office and miss the grumpy, whiny kids, but I bet a fair few could get home if they really had to, at least a few days a week, even if they then had to work later.

And I agree @Goldbar most men do understand these days that time spent builds their relationship with their children. Most of them...

I don't understand what's wrong with saying some bits of life are hard, yes, it's harder for single mums with no family network on their own all the time but overall, it's a tough stretch of life, it's hard in many respects, and these days we all have insta to show us how we're failing ti make those golden memories 24/7.

It does help to have other people acknowledge that they weren't all Mary Poppins with two under 5s and work.

Sorry if I came across like that, I didn't mean too. I'll leave you to your moan.

My point is that it's not really acceptable in this day and age to say "oh I can't do any parenting for my kids because of work, you know, but that's fine". And tbh I don't really know many working mothers who take this approach - even the ones with supportive partners and full-on jobs are involved in family life and carve out time to parent their children. Even if it means working in the evening after bedtime.

@iwishihadknownthis I'm a teacher too. (Secondary) I've got v v good at using my frees, setting work that can peer marked and just generally being uber efficient. Housework to me is clean surfaces, a quick wipe round the sink and loo while the kids are playing in the bath and run the hoover round about once a fortnight. Toys got cleared up by them before we went upstairs. I dont dust, disinfect, mop floors, scrub skirting boards or change towels every couple of days. I know you said you don't want suggestions so I'll stop but do have a careful look and what really NEEDS doing and what is a preference.

@iwishihadknownthis . Exactly. Opting out of family life to spend more time at work isn't an option for most single parents. It shouldn't really be an option for those in relationships either.

I'm a single parent with a full time job. When mine were that age and in bed by 7.30 I was sat with a glass of wine by 8.00. I'd sort the kitchen while they had an episode or two of paw patrol after dinner, laundry was mostly weekends (get a drier if possible), mine were up early too so I had plenty of time for a shower in the morning and you don't have to wash your hair every day, ditto ironing. I'm not dissing how people feel and I'm finding the teen years much harder actually but I do think some of the things you've listed are not compulsory or actually onerous. Somewhat lowering standards might help in this area.

How do single parents cope then? Do their kids make their own dinner and put themselves to bed if the parents have to be at work?

The evenings with small children are horrific. I never understood it before I became a mum. They're tired, you're tired, you're hungry, they need to sleep, but they don't want to, and really you need to sleep but you have zero time for yourself. It's relentless.

My DH comes home at 5. I genuinely would hate him if he didn't. Or I'd collapse. I don't know. I don't know how you've done it so long.

Just sending you hugs and sympathy.

Christ make your mind up, this is pretty simple, either let him work less and take a pay cut and face the sacrifices or put up with it like many others.

If he is actually working and trying to privide for his family then maybe try to understand what he is doing.

Jeeeeezzzzzz (men don't get married it's not worth it)

Sucks I’ve been there done that and thrown away the T-shirt as a single parent not by choice - husband at time thought his hair was more important !!! It does get easier just stick with it kids grow up too fast

This

I used to think I was like a single parent as he wasn't around much.

Then I became one. There's just no comparison. No time off ever. Ever. No support. Dc with additional needs means you never get any proper sleep. Its soul destroying. You do it all and on half the money which means poverty in many cases. Until you're actually in that situation you can't really appreciate the difference.

Unless a marriage is abusive, stay in it.

My ex said " I want a big family"
Before we met I had no plans on having kids.
He seemed like Mr Right so we settled on 5 children!!! 3 of them in 3 years!!!
He was never home, I struggled so much. Had to homeschool all of them through Covid.... I was ready for the loony bin.
I realised, he liked the idea of a wife and children but couldn't cope with the stress it brought in reality. His priorities were work, the gym and footy.
I knew he loved me and the kids but I felt slapped in the face. While he wax out, I was left to cope alone.
I began to understand that I might as well be a single parent. He was only miserable when he came home.
I ended it 2 and half years ago but we are stuck in the marital home.
So he's still acting like a lone wolf and I've been sleeping on the sofa all this time!!

@Yourcatisnotsorry That’s not necessarily true though. I couldn’t just change my work patterns. It’s only open certain hours and those are the hours I have to be there. Not everyone has that much flexibility

@RhaenysRocks Having the evening after bedtime to relax with nursery age DC sounds great but in reality…
Bedtime is 7.30 here. We’re home at 6pm, cook and eat dinner, stick on a load of laundry, bath, books and bed for 7.30pm.
Then it’s clean up after dinner/bath etc, sort clothes/nursery bag for tomorrow, tidy away toys that are scattered from this morning & evening, hang up washed laundry to dry, make packed lunches for tomorrow, have my shower & dry my hair as it makes the morning slightly easier, sort my clothes for the morning, do any ironing that needs done, and any other bits that need done that particular day (today was also fill in “personal details” forms for this term at nursery, reply to 2 party invitations, order the food shop,
By which time it’s time for bed because I’m up at 5am the next day and I have a 4yo who doesn’t like to sleep 😴

It’s shit for you and more importantly it’s shit for your children to basically not see a parent for 5 days a week. Does their dad not want to be a parent? He can change his work patterns.

The best piece of advice I received when I was at your stage is: they don't need a bath every night. That added so much work to my evening but I thought I needed to do it for the "bedtime routine". Nope!

🤣 at the idea that being divorced gives you more time off. I get to do all the parenting and all the breadwinning. There is no one else to step in ever, no DH coming home at any point and no second income to rely on. It's all on me all the time. I love my kids but its relentless hard work with no time off, especially with their additional needs.

Also to add when he worked nights we’d actually see him a bit more than now he does the day shift but the evenings have always been the hardest with the kids