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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this a red flag?

62 replies

Togethergetit · 29/01/2025 15:05

I’ve been dating a man for a few months now. He has a child he doesn’t appear to much. I obviously don’t know all his movements from when we started dating (and even now) but from what I’ve been aware of since December he has only seen his child once despite living less than an hour away, but does have a weekly FaceTime call. From a recent conversation we had, he seems to prioritise working hard for his child’s future, but I’m starting to feel uneasy about how hands-off he is. Parenting doesn’t seem to be a significant part of his day-to-day life, and I’m concerned he’s disproportionately focused on financial providing than being present. He can’t possibly be that busy making money as we spend every weekend together and he happily works around me. When asked he said he doesn’t see his child as much as he would ‘like to’ so there may be issues with access due to his relationship with his child’s mother, but he hasn’t elaborated any further, so I’m left assuming that his minimal involvement is ultimately by choice, though I guess there is a possibility it’s not.

If we were to have children in the future, I would want a partner who is hands-on and sees his role as a parent as beyond just financial support. I’m not sure if I can overlook this. Should I be worried, or am I overthinking it?

OP posts:
hummingbird12 · 29/01/2025 15:29

It's a major red flag.
Especially if you want a family in the future. He should make every effort to see his child, especially on weekends.

My Dh has a friend who drives 90 minute round trip 3 times during the week just so he can bath his two children and read them a bedtime story.
He then sees them on weekends.

Not acceptable at all OP no matter what excuses he makes.

Togethergetit · 29/01/2025 15:28

Wowser01 · 29/01/2025 15:24

Did he mention his child over Christmas at all? Eg did he give him presents?

doesn’t sound good does it?

He mentioned it was his child's mother's year to have contact and it was his last year. He did mention presents in passing so he could possibly have seen his child when dropping off. So there is a chance that he has contact and I'm not aware of. It's not that I expect him to tell me everything and anything he's up to but it just appears he doesn't see his child much at all, there isn't any obvious routine and all his weekends so far have been spent with me.

OP posts:
luckylavender · 29/01/2025 15:28

Togethergetit · 29/01/2025 15:05

I’ve been dating a man for a few months now. He has a child he doesn’t appear to much. I obviously don’t know all his movements from when we started dating (and even now) but from what I’ve been aware of since December he has only seen his child once despite living less than an hour away, but does have a weekly FaceTime call. From a recent conversation we had, he seems to prioritise working hard for his child’s future, but I’m starting to feel uneasy about how hands-off he is. Parenting doesn’t seem to be a significant part of his day-to-day life, and I’m concerned he’s disproportionately focused on financial providing than being present. He can’t possibly be that busy making money as we spend every weekend together and he happily works around me. When asked he said he doesn’t see his child as much as he would ‘like to’ so there may be issues with access due to his relationship with his child’s mother, but he hasn’t elaborated any further, so I’m left assuming that his minimal involvement is ultimately by choice, though I guess there is a possibility it’s not.

If we were to have children in the future, I would want a partner who is hands-on and sees his role as a parent as beyond just financial support. I’m not sure if I can overlook this. Should I be worried, or am I overthinking it?

If we were to have children in the future,

Woah - it's only been a few months. And he's revealed himself. Run.

Togethergetit · 29/01/2025 15:25

It's all a bit strange because he speaks so lovingly about his child and fatherhood. And his child seems to adore him. But weekend after weekend he's making plans with me that sometimes extend all weekend. I appreciate I don't know everything he gets up to but at the frequency we speak I am pretty confident he hasn't had physical contact with his child since early December. And the conversation about working hard for his child's future just left me so confused. He has the time (I'm receiving a big chunk of it) and he can simply make the time to be active and present if that is what he wants whilst balancing other aspects of his life .. I can only assume it's not a priority for him.

OP posts:
Wowser01 · 29/01/2025 15:24

Did he mention his child over Christmas at all? Eg did he give him presents?

doesn’t sound good does it?

Togethergetit · 29/01/2025 15:20

Snowmanscarf · 29/01/2025 15:18

Once since Christmas is not good, unless there’s a back story.

It wasn't even for Christmas. Early December

OP posts:
Snowmanscarf · 29/01/2025 15:18

Once since Christmas is not good, unless there’s a back story.

Waterboatlass · 29/01/2025 15:16

Fraaances · 29/01/2025 15:15

Yep. Get out. The working for his kid’s future thing is all smoke and mirrors. He’s working for his ego and using his kid to virtue-signal.

Agreed. It sounds like an acceptable cover story for dating

Waterboatlass · 29/01/2025 15:15

I assume we're talking about a child under 18? If so I think he should be focussing on confirming better visitation rather than dating so yes I would read this as a red flag. I wouldn't want to get involved as I would want all of this resolved beforehand.

Could be worth a polite but direct query but I wouldn't entertain this if I'm honest.

For full disclosure I wouldn't personally be looking for a bloke with kids anyway but if I was, yes, this would put me off.

Fraaances · 29/01/2025 15:15

Yep. Get out. The working for his kid’s future thing is all smoke and mirrors. He’s working for his ego and using his kid to virtue-signal.

NighShwan · 29/01/2025 15:13

Doesn't see his child as much as he'd 'like to'? What a crock of shit excuse. I doubt it's an access thing becuase at the very least he'd be passionately expressing how he's fighting to gain more access. His blaze attitude suggests, as you have deduced, he's content with the hands-off approach rather than actually trying to parent his child.

Comedycook · 29/01/2025 15:09

It's great that you've had a sneak peek as to what a long term future with him and even a subsequent break up would look like...

If you want to settle down and have children then I'd give this one a swerve