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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this a red flag?

62 replies

Togethergetit · 29/01/2025 15:05

I’ve been dating a man for a few months now. He has a child he doesn’t appear to much. I obviously don’t know all his movements from when we started dating (and even now) but from what I’ve been aware of since December he has only seen his child once despite living less than an hour away, but does have a weekly FaceTime call. From a recent conversation we had, he seems to prioritise working hard for his child’s future, but I’m starting to feel uneasy about how hands-off he is. Parenting doesn’t seem to be a significant part of his day-to-day life, and I’m concerned he’s disproportionately focused on financial providing than being present. He can’t possibly be that busy making money as we spend every weekend together and he happily works around me. When asked he said he doesn’t see his child as much as he would ‘like to’ so there may be issues with access due to his relationship with his child’s mother, but he hasn’t elaborated any further, so I’m left assuming that his minimal involvement is ultimately by choice, though I guess there is a possibility it’s not.

If we were to have children in the future, I would want a partner who is hands-on and sees his role as a parent as beyond just financial support. I’m not sure if I can overlook this. Should I be worried, or am I overthinking it?

OP posts:
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BCBird · 15/08/2025 09:20

Red flag indeed. Date someone without children or who parents their child

Burish · 15/08/2025 09:20

Togethergetit · 15/08/2025 04:50

Thread is old now, and ended things months ago but came back to say - always follow your intuition. Did a Claire's law, he has a history of violence towards women and had supervised access to his son

Goodness. I hope the ending was OK as this is when women are at most risk of abuse and violence - and for two years after. Well done for seeking opinions here, then taking action re Clare’s Law - how was that process? Have you felt safe and supported since?

Burish · 15/08/2025 09:17

Togethergetit · 15/08/2025 04:50

Thread is old now, and ended things months ago but came back to say - always follow your intuition. Did a Claire's law, he has a history of violence towards women and had supervised access to his son

Goodness. I hope the ending was OK as this is when women are at most risk of abuse and violence - and for two years after. Well done for seeking opinions here, then taking action re Clare’s Law - how was that process? Have you felt safe and supported since?

MsMarch · 15/08/2025 09:04

I agree with @CurlewKate What I take away from this is not that you listened to your instinct, but you took a long cold hard look at the facts - a man who seemed unbothered by not seeing his children, who was inconsistent in his stories, and who seemed to suggest that the mother ws the problem. And then you used those facts to make a good decision.

I'm all for instinct, but quite often that instinct really is based on actual information we're just not necessarily consciously paying attention to.

CurlewKate · 15/08/2025 07:10

Sorry-I had to come back to say it wasn’t about “instinct”. This man was actually draped in real, physical red flags. “Gut feeling” is all very well but it can lead you astray in a way that observation, asking clear questions and listening to the answers and common sense don’t.

PlayfulWrangler · 15/08/2025 06:32

Trust your instinct.

CurlewKate · 15/08/2025 06:30

Oops-didn’t read. Well done, @Togethergetityou did a good job there…

CurlewKate · 15/08/2025 06:28

Hmm. What are the chances that if you ask him about it you’ll find out that his ex is completely unreasonable and stops him from seeing the child. And he doesn’t want to go to court about it because that will just make her worse. Does he ever mention money?

andthat · 15/08/2025 06:08

Togethergetit · 15/08/2025 04:50

Thread is old now, and ended things months ago but came back to say - always follow your intuition. Did a Claire's law, he has a history of violence towards women and had supervised access to his son

Well done for getting out @Togethergetit, I hope you didn’t experience his violence.

There are good men out there… I’m glad that you trusted your intuition that this wasn’t one of them.

Original poster
Togethergetit · 15/08/2025 04:50

Thread is old now, and ended things months ago but came back to say - always follow your intuition. Did a Claire's law, he has a history of violence towards women and had supervised access to his son

OP posts:
niuwyoosername · 29/01/2025 21:14

Sounds like my ex. I often wonder why his new girlfriend doesn't question the fact that his child doesn't want to see him.

Ace56 · 29/01/2025 19:12

So he said he has his child EOW but obviously doesn’t if he spends every weekend with you? Has he ever said ‘sorry I can’t on that day, I’m seeing my kid’?

Sounds like he’s lying to you. Red flag.

StartingOverInMy40s · 29/01/2025 18:13

I think you need to have a grown up conversation with him and ask him about it as you're making your own conclusions from little information.

Have the conversation before making any decisions.

Wowser01 · 29/01/2025 17:56

Who did he spend Christmas with then? You?

Original poster
Togethergetit · 29/01/2025 17:55

Burish · 29/01/2025 17:28

There are only two explanations here:

  1. He cant be arsed to be involved in his childs life.
  2. He is not allowed to be in his childs life.

Both mean he's a wrong'un.

Are you younger than him?

Edited

Although I don't have all the information this is the conclusion I have come to.

Yes, I'm younger. I'm late 20s, he's early 30s

OP posts:
Burish · 29/01/2025 17:28

There are only two explanations here:

  1. He cant be arsed to be involved in his childs life.
  2. He is not allowed to be in his childs life.

Both mean he's a wrong'un.

Are you younger than him?

Original poster
Togethergetit · 29/01/2025 17:06

Okay thanks for explaining. I don't have children so not sure what the norm is regarding school breaks.

He did mention his child/presents around Christmas but it was only in passing and it was in a way that indicated to me he doesn't really make a huge effort for Christmas

OP posts:
Rawnotblended · 29/01/2025 17:02

He sounds like a crappy father. If you want kids, this is not the one.

MsMarch · 29/01/2025 17:01

Togethergetit · 29/01/2025 16:59

He either lied to me. Or half the holidays for the means taking it in turns rather than splitting in half

It's pretty unusual to "take it in turns" vs agreeing to split each holiday. I mean sure, it could happen, but I've certainly never seen it happen (with th epossible exception of short half term holidays where one parent might have the kids for that week and then the next short half term the other parent does).

It's also a bit odd not to at least reference the child around christmas, even if not seeing him ito presents or just general comments?

It's definitely odd.

Original poster
Togethergetit · 29/01/2025 16:59

He either lied to me. Or half the holidays for the means taking it in turns rather than splitting in half

OP posts:
MounjaroOnMyMind · 29/01/2025 16:55

Togethergetit · 29/01/2025 16:01

When we met mentioned he sees his child every other weekend and half of holidays. So the next holiday coming up will be the Feb half term.

Show quote history

Yes but what happened to half of the Christmas holidays, then?

Burish · 29/01/2025 16:33

something doesn't feel right.

but I’m starting to feel uneasy about

and I’m concerned

just left me so confused.

Something feels intrusive

something doesn't feel right.

This is what you havesaid on your posts. This is your gut shouting at you. This is your internalsmoke alarm....telling you something is off. You dont need to run back into the house to find out where the fire is - this is your call to leave,

If you ask him....I suspect he will gas-light or lie to you.

MsMarch · 29/01/2025 16:20

I am finding this thread quite reassuring. Too often, women get with men who make no effort with their DC and it doesn't seem to even register with them as an issue OR they get fed a pack of lies they just believe.

OP, I think you are 100% right to think something is not right here. He's clearly not prioritising his son if he's spending all his time with you. Speaking lovingly about a child is easy to do and means nothing. I would not even date such a man, never mind consider a longer term relationship with him.

AmberGemstone · 29/01/2025 16:15

I can guarantee you that he’s not financially supporting that child to the extent he’s leading you to believe.

Throw this one back. Just look at how he’s treating the most vulnerable person in his life.

Original poster
Togethergetit · 29/01/2025 16:11

Burish · 29/01/2025 16:06

we spend every weekend together

And you have only been dating a few months? How does this feel?

Sounds a bit love-bomby? But doesnt have the same drive for his own child?

Why did the relationship with the mother of his child end? Whats his relationship history?

He may only have supervised access? Have you done a Clares Law?

We have been dating a few months but it's really only the last 6 weeks that we've been consistently spending time together so I don't think I've been love bombed. Ive been love bombed before, i don't recognise it in him, it's not his style, he's not that charming.

He broke up with his child's mother not long after the child was born. I do not know the details

I think I may do a Claire's law .. something doesn't feel right. The police won't notify him, will they?

OP posts:
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