MIL and disregarding boundaries

You have to change the lock before baby arrives or she'll be in and out even more.
No time like the present, before Sunday, and away off on a lovely day out.
If that makes you feel bad tell her you'll be out and drop it on step. Do not mention the lock change.
If you see family regularly, then they should listen better when you say no.

@TTCagain85 and take that doorkey away from her!!! she only very occasionally stays at your house so she has no need for it. she is too far for emergencies so again she has no need for it! get on the phone tonight to your fil and demand that they do not turn up at your door because you are needing a break from people altogether!!! and tell your weakling of a husband that you are doing all of the above!!!!

If I were in your shoes, knowing what is about to happen and that you'll need your space to recover from childbirth, I'd be telling (not having a conversation with him, actually telling him directly) my DH that I'm implementing new rules around who can and can't visit once the child is born and what they have to do. This is applied to both sides of the family so there is ZERO favouritism going on.

Firstly, they don't drop by. No one drops by. They phone to find out if it is a good time or when the next 'good time' to see you and the baby would be.

Next, no one and you mean absolutely no one outside of him and you have a key to your house. You are going to order a key safe and install it outside so that if a day ever comes and you find yourselves locked out, you'll have a way to get back in without having to phone relatives to come to your aid.

Lastly - grandparents may have an opinion on how things should be done, but that's all it is, an opinion and just like arses, everyone has one. You and your DH are going to make whatever mistakes you are going to make with your new baby as you'll learn not to make them again. This goes for baby names, to picking schools to anything to do with your child. You and your DH decide.

That's pretty much it for the time being. You will review how these new house rules are going in a while but they are being implemented with immediate effect. They're reasonable and if anyone kicks back then (imo) they are the unreasonable ones.

You don’t need to barricade yourself in your own home or go out if you don’t want to or sit upstairs like a naughty child while your MIL dictates what happens in your house.

i think you should explain to dh why this affects you and how it makes you feel. It is ridiculous that a heavily pregnant woman is even thinking about hiding upstairs IN HER OWN HOME! Wanting some alone time when you are 39 weeks pregnant is self care. That is important. I’m suspecting that this is not the only time you feel that your boundaries have been over stepped. You don’t need to explain how this makes you feel to your mil because you don’t owe her anything (and you’d probably be wasting your time anyway).

It may be helpful explaining in detail how her behaviour makes you feel to dh. Not just saying that you are annoyed but explain the impact that this on your mental health. Being treated like a child in your own home and being denied things you need like personal space, time to recharge, etc are all things I know have big impacts on my stress and anxiety levels. He’s getting a lot of flak here for not standing up to his mum but he has grown up with her. He possibly doesn’t realise how odd or difficult her behaviour is because it is all he has known. It might not have ever occurred to him that there is another way. To be honest at 39 weeks pregnant he should be running round doing whatever you want but I think this problem sounds like something more permanent.

also a lot of posters are on the view that one visit is not a big deal. I suspect this might be the sort of language that mil uses. Just and only. If it’s not a big deal, or if it just this or only that then mil won’t lose much by conceding to a respectful request.

i hope you find a way through this. She sounds like a massive bell end to me. But good luck with birth too.

I'm the opposite with my kids. I preface pretty much every invitation or question about their availability with a 'no pressure' or similar. I'm terrified of being unwelcome or needy.

There's no way in a million years that is turn up when they'd said they have other plans. And yep, I have a key but wouldn't dream of using it without checking with them first.

no it is not generational please give over with the ageist crap

@TTCagain85 YANBU!

Use the chain on the door if you have one, or if not put something against the door that will cause a noise if she opens it.

I'd refused to get dressed on Sunday too. Just naughty knickers and a dressing gown. If she turns up tell her you and DH are very "busy".

I just don’t understand why people do this? Is it a generational thing? both my parents and in laws have done similar. It seems so unbelievably rude and entitled to go over someone’s head when they’ve said no. I expect she still views you both as children and expects you to do as she says. Crazy behaviour. I can’t imagine treating a DIL like this.

This is not an emergency.

An emergency is when you get a phone call from a neighbour saying there is smoke coming out of the windows or water flowing down the street from your front door or something equally terrible.

This is not an emergency.

Remind him and her what an emergency really is.

Do you have a key to her place? For emergencies??

Agreed

I think your husband needs counselling so he can learn some techniques to use with her. Also, get a bolt fitted. If she does turn up and keeps ringing the bell, make sure you answer it and just keep repeating that it's not convenient.

What is it she wants to drop off? How much of an excuse is it?
How many emergencies have you ever had whereby she, an hour away, could be any practical use?
Leave a key in the lock so she can't get in and go out/hide upstairs. If your DH resists and says, "oh we HAVE to let her in," fix him with an evil eye and ask which of the two of you he wants to spend the rest of his life having sex with and to make a careful choice as a 39-weeks-pregnant woman is NOT to be messed with.

Have been through this with my MIL - my DH did in fact speak to her, multiple times, and that just resulted in her crying and doing it anyway.

The only way to get past this is not open the door. If we haven’t invited her over and she turns up, then the door doesn’t get answered. It sounds awful and cold but it’s worked.

And change your locks or get a bolt on the inside.

You're not wasting her journey.

She's choosing to waste her own journey.

Same, and I've done this several times before when MIL has fucked with my boundaries.

If I've told her I'm not available and she still chooses to knock then I'm perfectly happy to leave her on the doorstep, as this was her choice. My counsellor agreed and said this was good boundary work!

Someone being related to you doesn't mean you have to do what they want at all times of you've already told them you don't want it.

Your husband is not going to manage this which would massively piss me off as it's his mother so his to deal with. That's our rules.

Your choices as I see them are:

He arranges to go to her.

Or

Tell her she absolutely cannot visit, you have plans. Tell her she cannot turn up and must wait to be invited.

If she turns up anyway, don't let her in and put the key in the lock.

Or

Give her an hour slot in the morning and at the end of that hour put your coat on and say you're going out and she needs to leave.

This needs your husband's cooperation unfortunately but there's nothing stopping you from fucking off out and leaving them to it.

I'd be absolutely furious if my partner didn't put a stop to it.
We've had to in the past and we ended up just refusing to let this relative in if they arrived uninvited. Eventually, they grudgingly got the message.

And whatever happens, change the locks. I wouldn't tell her and would wait for her to try and let herself in but I'm petty. She doesn't need a key for emergencies, pick someone else closer and more respectful.

Ask for the keys back to give to a friend who needs them for whatever reason.

Just hide them outside or in the mailbox when they come to stay.

She does not need keys to your home.

Tell her to drop off the keys and whatever she insists on dropping off on the front door step.

If she comes inside them be breezy, take her keys, and throw on your jacket like you are about to leave the house

I’d let her in and go about doing whatever I had to do and let her drop off what she wanted and have a chat with dh or whatever. More because I wouldn’t want my dh being all dramatic over my mum coming over (nothing against you just you asked what we’d do!)

But if your husband wants his mum to visit, surely his opinion counts too? You can stay out of the way, but it is his home too so if he wants her to come round, I’m not sure it’s fair to tell him she can’t? You don’t have to host her, or even see her, but I’m not sure you can tell him he can’t either….

So if she has a key can you leave a key in the lock do she can’t open it? I would send her a text telling her not to come, you want this weekend to yourselves and can she please respect that

if she turns up I would go ballistic, shout and scream at her and tell her how bloody inconsiderate she us being, you want the key back and she is not to come over again unless invited

Then I would lastly tell your dh that this is down to him as he was not prepared to stand up for you

sometimes losing it is the only way to get the point across

As much as this is a MIL problem, it’s also a husband problem.

Some posters have had great suggestions of not answering the door, going away for the weekend etc etc but all of this is pointless if your husband isn’t going to agree to it.

Things with MIL will never change if your husbands attitude towards it doesn’t change either. Have a strong word with him about how it makes you feel.

Okay. Be more blunt but don't give her an excuse to say that you're rude.

"MIL, I've promised myself a weekend of entire rest, which is why we've offered you another day. I'm really sorry but you dropping things off on Sunday is just not an option. I'm sure you understand. We're looking forward to you visiting us and the baby as soon as you can get down here after the birth, but this weekend is private time for us"