MIL and disregarding boundaries

Ask for the key back as you have lost yours . Or change the locks . I would not be happy with her letting herself in when you are not there . She's trying to domineer you OP .

Can see who the ghastly mils by the comments 🚩🚩🚩

The MIL doesn’t care about OP, though. If you care about someone, you listen to their “no”.

And OP has literally suggested another day!

I hope you do stick to your guns and your DH backs you. I had this problem throughout my marriage and I always came second. She is now my exMIL. It saddens me that we could have still been married now had my exH grown a pair. There were other issues too, but she could do no wrong.

Yes that's my worry!

I think there's a decent chance MIL will turn up anyway, so OP needs a workable "just in case" plan. Her DH is likely the weakest link here so she may need him to be out of the house already. But all of this rather spoils the lovely relaxing day at home plan 🙁

OP is there an alternative that you would enjoy e.g. a nice pub nearby where you could go for a cosy Sunday lunch?

You know what will happen as it always does.

OP will try and force the visit to end, the dh will be so fucking passive that the MIL might as well move in, she'll end up staying for dinner, which the OP will end up cooking.

Once MIL eventually goes, OP will raise it with dh who will shrug it off "we can relax next weekend" and "she means well" completely overlooking the fact that his wife is about to have his baby and deserves the earth on a stick.

Then the OP will go into labour.

FFS! It's your MIL the Grandmother to your children - be grateful she cares enough to see you all.
Just say that's okay, but we're got plans at x time so it'll need to be before then, or another day.
I hope you're so horrible and nasty about your own mother if she ever dares to come and visit with gifts for you and the baby!

Have you got a plan for if she does turn up today? Perhaps have your things ready by the door so if she does turn up you can say "oh what a shame you came all this when even though we said we were busy. As you know we have plans today and we're just on our way out", put coats and shoes on, leave the house ushering her out at the same time. You don't need to be out for long.

'What time will you get here'? You ask. When she says the time, say 11am, reply with, OK. but we're going out at 11.30. Make sure you're sort of ready when she arrives.

It's time to put your foot down and try to end this, especially with the new arrival due soon.
Agree with previous posters, if you've any idea of time she arrives. Be out, got out for breakfast/lunch, (I know you won't feel up to it, but its worth it, if you dont have to entertain her for 6 hours).
Also turn you phones off or silent when your out she can't contact you.
Do you have a ring doorbell, you could just have the camera on to keep an eye on the door, then you'll know if she's been & left.
All the best you you and your new baby.

Relaxing was the plan. It’s not a ticketed event or requires travelling distances, but when the OP and her husband planned this weekend, they wanted to spend it chilled and without visitors. That’s as valid a plan as any other and the MIL is not more entitled to disrupt those plans than if the OP had chosen to spend the weekend relaxing in a hotel rather than at home.

Just don't 'host' her. Do what you were going to do but dont wait on her. Let your husband do it. It will send her a message and set the president for the future. I've been there. 8 years of it. A divorce fixed it but now he hardly sees his mum.

It Turns out, my hospitality for every weekend , for most of one day alllllll of those years was what she really came for. He hardly sees her now and although my relationship with him has always been good as we have 2 boys together, she has not spoken a word to me since.

I now get to give that time that she had taken up to my own mum. Its your time to decide who you want to spend it with.

Good luck with your new baby too. Exciting times ahead x

Also, can’t edit my post unfortunately- but @TTCagain85 even better to tackle the unhealthy dynamic and process the underlying issues in therapy or counselling in order to make sure the cycle doesn’t continue or worsens once the baby arrives. Your baby does not need a father who’s still dependent on the emotional manipulation by his mother.

He needs to safeguard his child and disentangle himself from the emotional enmeshing his mother has created for him. Otherwise the next generation will be drawn into this too. And it will cause marital distress in the future.

The one bit of advice I would give you here is whilst it's nice to not have double standards do not make your parents change things that you are happy with them doing just because you want to be fair to a MIL who is not being fair to you. I've done this with my parents (not seen them as much, reduced the amount of time they have my children etc) all to try and be fair on a bossy, pushy, controlling mother in law who I have since realised does not care one bit about me or my feelings. I regret pushing my parents away a bit to be fair on her and realise now that this is classic tactics of a controlling person (emotionally guilt tripping me in to spending less time with my parents so she isn't missing out). I'm changing things drastically now but the easy bit for me is my husband has seen his parents for what they are the whole time and has been trying to show me that they are controlling us both via taking advantage of my good nature. It took a family holiday where they attempted to overrule me on every aspect of my children's care to realise enough is enough.

Good luck today- I hope she doesn't turn up!

YANBU.

I agree you need to change your lock barrel if it’d cause too much drama to ask for the key back. If someone lets themselves into your home without your permission they shouldn’t have a key.

However, to give balance, if he’s an only child and she’s not with his dad, they must have a very close relationship, especially if it was just the two of them for a while. I expect she’s very anxious and excited about the arrival of her grandchild. If you have a DS, you’ll realise there’s a risk when he’s older you’ll be pushed away as his mother by his partner. Or your way of doing things as a family may not be tolerated by her.

Both ways, it’s so important mothers respect other mothers.

Good for you for talking with your husband and also for suggesting counseling.

what your MIL does is emotionally immature and blackmailing. It’s a very unhealthy behavior that has likely been persistent since your husband‘s childhood. He was probably made feel responsible for her feelings for a long time which makes it hard for him to realize that the dynamic is not normal and harder for him to emancipate himself from her.

a therapist and counselling can definitely help. Check out the column in the NYT about parents who place the burden of their well being on their children: https://www.nytimes.com/2025/01/16/well/mind/critical-mom-advice.html

In the end your MIL needs to respect your boundaries and your husband needs to invoke them. She should absolutely not have your keys or the chance to steamroll your boundaries. Furthermore your husband needs to understand that he is not responsible for his mother‘s feelings and does not owe her anything. He is responsible for his partner and his child.

If that's the case, she'll be happy to drop them at the door and get on her way, given that she's already been told that the OP and her DH don't want visitors....

So what? A no is a no. Boundary stomping with good intentions is still boundary stomping. And people who consistently think their good intentions trump other people’s wishes care more about their own „charity“ than what their good intentions actually does with the other person. It’s beneficial only to the giver.

Don‘t know why this is being encouraged here.

But you don’t have plans. Apart from “relaxing”. I can’t imagine telling my parents or in-laws that they weren’t welcome if I had nothing on.

Any time someone threatens to kill themselves it is game over for mature conversation. They now have the ultimate abusive trump card. When someone does that you have to refuse to play any more and insist they get help otherwise they have the power forever.

Take her key off her or change the locks and only give a set to your parents. If she let's herself in when she's been expressly told not to shes going to drive you fuxking potty when you have the baby

Im Just commenting because I need to know if she turns up today

Did you miss the bit where she threatens her own son that she will commit suicide if he doesn’t give in to what she wants? This is bloody abusive and if she chose to ignore that she wasn’t welcome, that’s her shout.

The truth will set you free!