Page 2 | MIL and disregarding boundaries

toastofthetown · 02/02/2025 21:56

Flipflop223 · 02/02/2025 21:49

Sorry but as a mother with sons (and daughters), it feels really sad to me that you’re trying to come between him and his mum. What are you trying to achieve here? She brought him into this world.. Just as you are about to do that for another human. How will you feel in 20 years when you try to go and see him and drop off some things for his baby and the daughter in law starts huffing about it? I think this is really quite sad 😞

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Bringing someone into the world doesn't mean you can show up to someone's house uninvited for six hours when they've told you that they have plans. The OP has offered three alternative days to her MIL and is planning in seeing her next week as well. Just this one specific day she doesn't want to host. I'm pregnant now, and I seriously hope that when my baby is an adult I don't think that my choice to have a child means I get to disregard their thoughts and feelings in favour of what I want and they and their partner just have to accept that.

Original poster

TTCagain85 · 02/02/2025 21:54

Hi @Flipflop223, i do have a DS. I hope if and when he gets married he puts his chosen spouse first. Yes, I might not always like it, but I'm raising children who will live their own lives. I already actively talk to him about things he might do when he grows up like travel the world, marry, or generally live a good life- ensuring he knows its his decision to make. I will also do this with my daughter. I am and always will be there and emotionally available for my children whatever their age, but they are not and never will be responsible for my emotional well being.

As for restricting access, it's one day with just us with multiple other alternatives offered. I also turned down invitations from my own birth family. We are entitled to time as our own family unit before our new baby arrives.

OP posts:

Flipflop223 · 02/02/2025 21:49

TTCagain85 · 30/01/2025 13:45

So to update everyone. Things calmed down and we talked about it rationally. I said I get that he has been brought up to appease her and has been made to feel responsible for her mental health, but that as a married man his wife's wellbeing should come first. I explained and used others wording on here (thank you!) that asking to be left alone for a day wasn't an unreasonable request at 39.5wks and that in any event we would be seeing her within the week as baby would soon be here (even though i currently dont want her anywhere near me, i wouldn't deny any grandparent the joy of meeting their new grandchild).

As for her announcing she was coming up and would let herself in, I said to him does he not see how inappropriate that is that a more appropriate response would be "when might suit".

The upshot is, he has agreed to speak with her. I've warned him she will likely turn on the waterworks to him and claim she's depressed, and reminded him she has her own husband to rely on to not put her well being above mine, particularly in what should be a time of nesting and excitement. For anyone who has gone through pregnancy after loss, it's a hybrid of heightened and difficult emotions at the best of times without MIL wanting to be put first.

Long term for us, I've suggested marriage counselling as this power struggle is not something I want to continually deal with. I've told him if he ever feels I'm putting my birth family before him to call me out, as we should always put our created family first.

Thanks for all the help and reassurance.

Sorry but as a mother with sons (and daughters), it feels really sad to me that you’re trying to come between him and his mum. What are you trying to achieve here? She brought him into this world.. Just as you are about to do that for another human. How will you feel in 20 years when you try to go and see him and drop off some things for his baby and the daughter in law starts huffing about it? I think this is really quite sad 😞

Flipflop223 · 02/02/2025 21:43

TTCagain85 · 29/01/2025 14:48

RANT INCOMING- AIBU?

What would you do if your MIL consistently oversteps boundaries and your husband won't speak to her about it as he has been brought up emotionally emeshed and parentified by her.

For context, he is an only child. She is married and has stepchildren.

Me and husband have agreed to have a weekend free of visitors before the arrival of our second child next week. MIL was supposed to visit last weekend but cancelled due to weather. She lives an hour away, and i don't blame her for not travelling when the weather wasn't pleasant. Cut to today, announces she is visiting on Sunday, and I had responded to say this doesn't suit that we have plans Saturday and Sunday, but offered an alternative day. Her response was that she will be dropping stuff off to our house on Sunday anyway.

😡😡😡😡😡 we will most likely be in the house as we want to relax, and if she arrives, we will have to host her against our wishes. She isn't one for stopping by for a quick cuppa, it's always a 5/6hr visit.

Husband refused to address this with her.

What would you do?

Seems pretty unfair to be like that. She’s his MOTHER. I wonder if you’ll feel different once you have your own child and you imagine your future daughter in law complaining and restricting access to your son and telling you you can’t come round. Life has a funny way of coming full circle.

Travelformeeee · 02/02/2025 18:37

She's over stepping her boundaries on purpose, text her or tell her in person assertively that you don't like her coming over unannounced period! Its actually rude! Sounds like she's very disrespectful anyway.

TheThreeMiracles · 02/02/2025 17:21

Why are mil so entitled ! I asked mine to give us some space for a week as we were having relationship problems ( because of her !!!! ) 20 minutes later she was sat on my sofa crying to dp because she didn't understand why I was being the way I was !!! Ummm because she had fucked my relationship silly mare !!

I really hope you got your weekend rest and good luck Thursday!! I completely understand your post! Xx

Imisschampagne · 02/02/2025 17:16

CosyLemur · 02/02/2025 10:23

She's said herself she'll be there in days of the birth to help!

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Please quote that part. Really intrigued where you think you saw OP stating this :)

SapphireSeptember · 02/02/2025 15:19

@TTCagain85 Good luck with your baby! 💐

SapphireSeptember · 02/02/2025 15:18

ClearHoldBuild · 02/02/2025 08:01

But you don’t have plans. Apart from “relaxing”. I can’t imagine telling my parents or in-laws that they weren’t welcome if I had nothing on.

But that IS a plan. You sound like the manager I used to have who'd give me a grilling whenever I turned down overtime, wanting to know why I didn't want to work on my day/s off! Because I want to do absolutely nothing. Now I've got a baby those days are long gone, but I remember those days fondly.

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 02/02/2025 14:14

Pleased to hear it's a good Sunday without sight of her so far. Hope it stays that way for today and good luck with the birth later in the week.

thepariscrimefiles · 02/02/2025 14:08

CosyLemur · 02/02/2025 09:27

FFS! It's your MIL the Grandmother to your children - be grateful she cares enough to see you all.
Just say that's okay, but we're got plans at x time so it'll need to be before then, or another day.
I hope you're so horrible and nasty about your own mother if she ever dares to come and visit with gifts for you and the baby!

FFS! OP has provided some information about her MILs poor and manipulative behaviour in previous posts:

For context, we really struggled to conceive this baby and lost a baby at 18weeks 3 years ago. She let herself into our house on our child's 1st anniversary whilst we were away after asking her not to come. It's as if she was checking we were there or not.

Her behaviour in the past when she's not got her own way involves emotional manipulation and saying she is suicidal.

With respect to your comment about hoping that OP is horrible and nasty about her own mother, OP has already changed her behaviour with her own parents to make things more equal:

This is one weekend we both agreed was for us; my family live nearby and previously had a tendency to call in unannounced albeit for 5/10mins not hours, but I've put a stop to that as I wouldn't want double standards having one rule for my side and one rule for his.

Original poster

TTCagain85 · 02/02/2025 12:21

@CosyLemur please feel free to quote where she will be there in the days after birth to help 🤣 she will be there to visit as a grandmother which she is more than welcome to do. Today is one day for us. My baby is being delivered this Thursday, so not too long for her to wait. As for alternative days, I offered Friday, Saturday and Monday. Asides from relaxing today we had already pre booked activities this afternoon.

For anyone else, he did have a word with her and she hasn't yet turned up and hopefully won't. We are just getting ready to go out after a lovely relaxing morning in bed.

Enjoy your Sunday y'all.

OP posts:

Hippocalipo · 02/02/2025 12:20

nahthatsnotforme · 29/01/2025 15:25

I'd assume she has things for you, your child or the new baby that she wants you to have before the birth, so is dropping them off.

Is that so awful?

Shes overstepping a boundary and ignored clear instructions. Yes thats awful.

BeeCucumber · 02/02/2025 11:46

At the risk of starting a “cancel the cheque” post - change your locks.

Windowsand · 02/02/2025 11:40

Chaity · 02/02/2025 11:28

My mother used to say, if you want to know how a man will treat you watch how he is around his mother. It is so true. It is a very good trait in a man when he treats his mother well. I would not be saying its her or me, that is not fair at all. Great way to start a Family Rift.

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Are you saying that him creeping around his deeply unstable, abusive, and self harm threatening mother, should be the bench mark of him as a husband?

He's terrified of his mother as a result of an abusive childhood.

I think the OP should be protecting herself from them both.

Chaity · 02/02/2025 11:28

Gymnopedie · 29/01/2025 15:17

You need to ask DH a simple question - 'Which of us are you happiest to upset? Me or your mum?'

And if the answer is you, you need to think. This won't get better. I bet she trampled over a lot of boundaries with your first DC and will do so again.

My mother used to say, if you want to know how a man will treat you watch how he is around his mother. It is so true. It is a very good trait in a man when he treats his mother well. I would not be saying its her or me, that is not fair at all. Great way to start a Family Rift.

SparkleFly · 02/02/2025 11:20

Just wanted to say OP that I hope you're having a nice peaceful day today and don't get any unwanted visitors!
I can sympathise as my MIL is also a doorstepper despite being asked by DH to call first. She does what she wants.
You'll have a lot to juggle once baby number 2 is here so enjoy life as a 3 as much as you can, and don't let her take that away from you!
Good luck with the impending birth 🥰

Widower2014 · 02/02/2025 11:05

Tell hubby, no wifey duties until he resolves the issue

toastofthetown · 02/02/2025 10:39

CosyLemur · 02/02/2025 10:23

She's said herself she'll be there in days of the birth to help!

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Where has the OP said the MIL would be helping following the birth. She's said the MIL would be visiting, but not said or implied the ML would be helpful around that time. The purpose of the visit seems to be for the MIL to delight in her new grand hit rather than support the OP and baby. There are from OP's previous posts and neither imply help from the MIL's part.

we would be seeing her within the week as baby would soon be here (even though i currently dont want her anywhere near me, i wouldn't deny any grandparent the joy of meeting their new grandchild)

She is honestly the most selfish, self centred woman when it comes to her wants and emotional needs. Don't get me wrong, she is not all bad and I have offered suitable alternatives. The baby will be born a few days later and she will see us then

CosyLemur · 02/02/2025 10:25

GreylingsSkin · 02/02/2025 09:44

Can see who the ghastly mils by the comments 🚩🚩🚩

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No I'm not a MIL my kids
a) aren't old enough
And
B) when I am a mil MN will think I can do no wrong because I'm the mum of daughter's so whatever I do will obviously be the correct thing!

No I'm just someone who has recently lost my MIL and can see how much it is hurting my kids!

CosyLemur · 02/02/2025 10:23

JimHalpertsWife · 02/02/2025 10:21

The OP has not once suggested they want anything from their MIL other than for them to respect boundaries. You are fabricating a situation which fits your narrative to suggest the OP wants gifts and help from her MIL.

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She's said herself she'll be there in days of the birth to help!

JimHalpertsWife · 02/02/2025 10:21

CosyLemur · 02/02/2025 10:19

But wants the gifts and help no doubt!

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The OP has not once suggested they want anything from their MIL other than for them to respect boundaries. You are fabricating a situation which fits your narrative to suggest the OP wants gifts and help from her MIL.

CosyLemur · 02/02/2025 10:19

pelargoniums · 02/02/2025 09:39

The MIL doesn’t care about OP, though. If you care about someone, you listen to their “no”.

And OP has literally suggested another day!

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But wants the gifts and help no doubt!

LookItsMeAgain · 02/02/2025 10:09

Has she shown up? Did your DH find his manliness and tell her not to come over when you've already said not to come over?

Please come back and let us know how things go for you today.

olympicsrock · 02/02/2025 09:55

good luck today OP let us know what happens