To think I should have my shit together?

14 and 17 year olds, yes of course we do. Your oldest is almost an adult, at 17 I lived abroad, alone. You're getting him ready for school and driving him there?

My 11yo DD gets herself up in the morning. I make sure she’s awake and getting dressed before I leave but she leaves after me. She sorts her own packed lunch and lets herself out to get the bus about 15 minutes after I leave for work. She’s also learned how to use the air fryer and can cook a simple meal now (still supervised at the moment!).
I think you need to rephrase this time off. It’s not ‘sick leave’ it’s ‘carer’s leave’ if you’re looking after a sick dependent.
I left a marriage where I was expected to do the majority of the mental load and home management. It honestly feels like less work now. The balance of what he contributed versus the amount he created (mess that he didn’t clean up, expensive tastes for food etc), on balance, I have less to do now.
You sound exhausted. Take a step back and think about how you can get your older kids to step up and help at home. You need to get them helping so they learn how to be independent adults. Then think about your relationship, he’s not being supportive.

I remember standing on my mum's doorstep crying at the prospect of a 5 hour drive home with the dc, who were maybe 1-2 and 4-5 at the time. She was saying something like "I don't know what all the fuss is about, I raised 4 children" (I have 2), and me saying "But you didn't also have a job!". I'm old enough that my siblings got some of the diseases kids are routinely vaccinated against now (mumps, diphtheria, whooping cough), but even this happened we all hunkered down at home.

Do other people just leave their older kids to fend for themselves on a morning? Like just leave them in bed and expect them to get up and to school on their own?

Mine are 13 and 16.

I shout them to get up at 7.15 and 7.30. DH or I stay at home until they've left about 8.10. They get themselves to and from school.

They are both responsible for their own laundry, PE kits and packed lunches.

I don't usually work on Mondays, and try and get food prepped for evening meals for the coming week.

Meal planning and Tesco online food delivery once a fortnight. Delivery on Sunday evenings and everyone helps to bring the food in and put it away.

I’m not in the slightest bit angry. OP however, has had a post deleted for abusing me and been snippy and rude to other posters

4 kids and a full time job is difficult? Who da thunk it.

Right OP gather the older 3, show them how to use the washer and dryer and say they need to be responsible for washing their own clothes/ PE kits/ anything else they need. I started doing my own washing in year 7 because I had a busy working mum and more spare time than her. I'd tidy my room on a Sunday, vac and polish and change my bedding and wash it, sort my uniform etc so I would encourage them to do that too. It builds good habits for the future, takes the pressure off you and means they start the week with some order.

You've got your priorities right OP! I've never know anyone actually say work is their priority. I wonder if the person who commented is actually a mother.

I work three days and my husband works full time so if one of our kids is ill or has an appointment (and one is disabled so there are a LOT) on a day I work then more often than not he tends to be the one to cover it. He gets the benefit of the fact that we arrange all appointments we can on my NWDs and I automatically do all the sick days on those days, and it's a bigger deal for me to miss a day because it's a third rather than a fifth of my working week.
I think you're making your workplace suffer for the fact that your DH isn't pulling his weight. Maybe he can be made to understand the impact it has on you, I'm sure he wouldn't want your income to go!

I’d wager that it’s women like YOU who make it harder for working mums. The stereotype of mothers in the workplace being unreliable and unavailable due to childcare is one that’s very hard to shake.

We're not all coping. Once upon a time being a mother was seen as a full time job. Now there's an expectation we do it alongside another full time job.
I reduced to part time hours a couple of years ago, there are still times that it feels like I'm failing but it's definitely not as frequently or as intensely as when I was working full time.

People are bringing this up because you said in your OP you called in sick because your dd was sick. You don't call in sick when you are not sick, it should be carers, annual or unpaid leave. You may have meant something else but that's what you said so people pick up on it. Your DH does need to share the time off though, your work will be annoyed if it's you every time and they have every right to be.

Yes.

Older kids can ‘just fend for themselves’ in the morning and get themselves up. I’d expect this in late primary let alone secondary age.

I think OP and her children have been gaslit into believing that the lion's share of what needs to be done is her responsibility. That attitude comes from her abusive DH and has trickled down to the kids. It isn't easy to see that dynamic when you're immersed in it and still harder to know what to do to bring about change, even if people think change is possible as long as there's an abuser in the picture. Ideally she should leave him while there's still time to get things on a healthier footing with her children, who are learning that this is normal, but OP is already really struggling so that probably also seems unmanageable. Suggesting she give up her own income is really bad advice in the circumstances.

OP, is leaving him an option? In the short term, I would advise talking to your GP and, if you think they would be sympathetic, to your employer about the fact that you're in an abuse situation and close to going pop. Perhaps your GP might sign you off for a period so that you could get your health together, get things on a more even keel with your family and make a plan to leave.

OP, you are not failing, you are being failed.

@AquaPeer why are you so angry at op? I’m not sure that the tough love routine is going to help the op who is very obviously frazzled. You having a go and demanding answers from someone who is being verbally abused by their husband isn’t ok.

@BexAubs20 You are ok. Teens and a toddler plus your own health issues and an unsupportive husband sounds super stressful! I think anyone would drop the ball at some point! I agree that the teens need to be helping more, this is the perfect opportunity to start! Also you need routine and a time table (for everyone, not just you). You will get through this stage.

Sounds really hard OP. I’ve been there with the PE kit (I assume most mums have) and I only have 2 kids primary age. I do feel I’m somewhat on a treadmill of life right now, but my DH is supportive and I think that’s your main problem here. Your DH is leaving everything to you and is verbally abusive if you ask for help!

Also you have a toddler. They are hard work. I am never going back to toddlers again. I think the toddler teenager combination must be very difficult, despite all the DH issues.

You talk about dinner /bath time and a lot of things that should only relate to the two year old, time to step back and let the older ones sort
themselves out.

Everyone else copes because we don't have 4 kids and we don't have to organise our teens for school. They organise themselves.

The PE kit, that's normal. I did things like that so many times! And I had 2 dc, not 4!

And there is no WAY I would have gone to work if my child was sick.

I hope you had a sofa day, OP.

Husband is verbally abusive when you try to ask for more help? For equality?

OP, I heavily suspect many of your health issues, mental health especially, will improve drastically if you leave him. He has you trapped. He “works” all the time and you’re left doing everything else and if you dare say anything, he’s nasty to you. What a pig.

Relationships work on mutual respect and care. Without this, you’ll be unhappy. And long term unhappiness leads to depression and anxiety.

Of course you have anxiety with the workload you are bearing, that’s normal, normal a condition you need to treat with medication. You need to solve the root issue; the unsupportive husband.

It sounds like he makes good money? Even more reason to take your half and run. Your health issues won’t improve all the while you’re carrying so much responsibility with a disrespectful husband.

Nothing really to add OP, but just to say that I don't have a quarter of the stress that you do and have days where I feel stressed out of my nut. Can't imagine what you must be feeling.

The fact you are persevering and juggling so much really does you credit. You are a good parent and you are doing your best.

In my house PE kit goes in the wash the day after PE and is hung up all on the same hanger, dry in the cupboard on the weekend to ensure its ready for the next week and all pieces of kit are together. This has become non negotiable for me because I have had too many stressful mornings scrabbling through washing baskets in the past trying to find it and I've learned my lesson.

Can you draw up some similar rules for yourself / family to follow?

Your 2 yr old sickness needs to be covered equally between you and your partner. Surely he understands your job is at risk and your family needs your income? It's practical to split this and not allow one persons job to take precedence.

This is my opinion too, I feel like DH has a “op will do it all” attitude with no real care for how she’s feeling and her job at risk