Ex pissed off im changing childcare arrangements. AIBU?

The responses on this thread are bonkers. They would be entirely different if you hadn't admitted your emotional affair, OP (on which note, I suspect a lot of the posters on here don't realise that an emotional affair that unfolds as you're coming to terms with your sexuality is a uniquely difficult experience – I imagine it started out as a close friendship and you then realised your feelings were more than friendship etc etc).

Anyway. At this stage, OP, I think you are probably better off going the legal route. You've offered him an exceptionally good deal and he's still making life difficult for you. Ultimately, if it's a family home, in both your names, you would be entitled to at least 50% of it, regardless of where the money came from to purchase it – that's the risk you take when you get married. And if he's not doing 50/50 childcare he would also be required to pay you maintenance, AND be fully responsible for the children on "his" days.

And if you read her updates, she says she was on the point of leaving anyway - nothing to do with the affair. My point is that if she had recognised her sexuality the likelihood is that the marriage would have ended anyway - especially if there were other problems, as she’s outlined in her updates.

So this hasn't been finalised yet OP? I think you've agree to something that is unfair on you and your DC out of guilt. Your ex is never going to be easy and he is never going to prioritise the DC. So go back to your solicitor and ask for what you are entitled to. And get a proper CAO written up that means you don't need to facilitate his days. His days are his days to sort.

Has the divorce gone through yet? Do you have the court financial order and decree absolute? Are you just waiting for the sale to go through and then everything is clean and divided between you? Was the house the only asset or do you or he have pensions and savings and stuff?

I ask only because I know from experience that until that process is complete, and everyone knows where they stand, changes to childcare arrangements, especially ones that effect when people can work or how much each party is earning, can be much more tense than once the ink is finally dry and everything is sorted.

On you basic point it’s not unreasonable to try and change arrangements for the children to better suit your needs but you do have to be careful how you manage the question and the expectation because you’re not a team anymore and what’s good for you might not be good off him and the other way around.

When did you buy the new home and how long after did you separate?

Yes. Perhaps you’d like to tally up how much more you contributed than him. I am betting it’s a darn sight more than you’re walking off with.

And as for being fair, again, I would go for what you’re entitled to. You’re still financially carrying him and may regret it in a few years time.

What are you on about ? OP isn’t still living in the marital home, and it’s not his property, it’s joint - they are both on the deeds and the mortgage. If OP was still living there, she wouldn’t legally have to pay rent, don’t be daft. And OP hasn’t said she’s unilaterally decided what she’s entitled to, what she said was that she’s taken legal advice and would be entitled to more than she’s actually taking.

I apology, I did get this wrong. It does indeed make a difference that you are paying to live elsewhere.

She shouldn't. That's why there's things called doors.

You can walk out them and close them and never ever go back in.

If a woman is in a relationship she is unhappy in, doing all the childcare, paying all the costs whilst the feckless bloke she's withnlays about doing nothing..
Open door, walk through, close door.

Not staying for years on end, wait for a better option, then leave and think about how to get back at the person you wasted your life with.

Also :

You do realise that if this goes to court I will be awarded likely more than 50% of the equity AND child maintenance?

Unlikely. It would depend onany factors. The courts would look at fairness to both parties and what's in the children's bestninteres... If the children are over 10, they'll even talk to the kids and see what they'd like. Cafcass are wonderful people.

Leaving isn’t easy. Takes on average over five years to pluck up the courage to actually do it - longer if the partner is abusive. Let’s not pretend it’s the easiest thing in the world to up and leave with three kids, on your own.

Yes I agree, in hindsight this was a mistake
In hindsight, he might think it was a mistake not to charge your partner rent for occupying what is still half his property.

As for what he is entitled to, that's for a judge to decide if you don't agree. You can't unilaterally decide what it would be. Neither your solicitor.

Why do you keep going on about her being forced to live a lie? If she felt she was gay she could have just asked for a divorce - absolutely no need for any affairs.

Well either the split of assets covered his “share” of costs or it didn’t but OP chose to tell us she received a lump sum rather than weekly/monthly payments for the children. Presumably we have to answer on the facts as presented.

I too asked why there wasn’t a 50:50 split in contact

What's fairly clear? That she didn't have an affair? She did, and that's my point. If a marriage is on the rocks for whatever reason, then you try and fix it or you leave. You don't cheat. Unless you're a sneaky person with poor morals.

That’s absolutely how it comes across to me too. If he was that awful, why marry him, have three kids and stay put for 25 years?

It’s like all those men on the relationship boards who try and act like they’ve been miserable for 30 years in an attempt to justify their shit behaviour.

I think under the circumstances OP has stayed longer than most would have to be honest, and probably the affair was the catalyst for leaving - especially if OP has realised her true sexuality in the process. Why should she be forced to live a lie with a man who is only focused on his own self satisfaction and continually shifting responsibility onto OP ?

If you read the OP and the updates I think it’s fairly clear that that’s not the case. Sounds to me like the marriage was headed for the rocks regardless of the affair because her ex wasn’t pulling his weight and put his own job satisfaction ahead of providing for his family. That put the financial burden as well as the care of their children squarely on OP’s shoulders. If one half of the relationship has already checked out then they can’t be surprised when the other half finds what they need elsewhere.

So you're punishing an ex, now that you're in a position where you can. And you're holding past failures you think he made against him, when you could have left.
Instead you stayed until someone turned your head and you felt better had come along..

Don't blame the affair and subsequent exit from the marriage due to moving on with your affair partner on being gay. Plenty of gay people have decency and integrity and don't cheat. You had an affair because your morals are lacking.

I mean, if it was that bad, why on earth did you spend 25 years with him, marry him and have three of his kids?

Makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

You chose to stay and to keep having children @Childcare101sans - let's not pretend you couldn't have left a long time ago.