Ex pissed off im changing childcare arrangements. AIBU?

The fact that you have a home where you currently live with your partner and dc could mean that you wouldn’t automatically be awarded 50% of the equity, especially as you have a higher income than him,

@GabriellaMontez I wasn't talking about what would be considered in a legal settlement - I was referring to all of OP's comments about how awful her ex's behaviour was - yet she chose to marry him, have three of his children over a fairly decent timespan and stay 25 years.

It just reads as though she's trying to excuse her affair by saying she was in a miserable marriage anyway - like men do every single day on here and women call them out on it.

Your mistake here @Childcare101sans was giving context to your split. Now your lazy co parent, who you’ve been subsidising and doing favours for is going to be a poor hapless victim to you the big bad harlot.

I’m going to guess that part of the motivation for your emotional affair was rooted in being married to a man who prioritises an unreliable, badly paid job over being financially stable and saw childcare and all associated costs as not his business.

Not taking maintainence and doing all the leg work to facilitate his contact time was another booboo. He’s the one who wants everything on his terms and you’ve been giving it to him. Hopefully this is the beginning of the real world starting to come in for him.

Perhaps when he starts moaning about how much money he’ll loose for 2 afternoons a month, you could share the childcare bills you’ve accrued whilst he’s been off living a majority child free life, doing as he pleases.

If he wants to act from bitterness, let him. And use the your rights under the terms of your divorce to get everything you are entitled to.

She's openly admitted her affair.

But however morally repugnant you may find it, it's irrelevant.

Moral failings wont be considered in the divorce settlement.

You shouldn’t have bought a house with his inheritance if you knew you wanted out of the relationship

Exactly.

It’s unclear what assets you brought to the marriage but £400k equity on his part isn’t nothing. What happened to your pension? Everything you had and everything he had should have been split surely?

Why you are splitting is fairly unimportant. What you spent while married is spent.

How much of the inheritance is the equity in the home? You said it was only 6/7 years ago and you are in a long term relationship. You shouldn’t have bought a house with his inheritance if you knew you wanted out of the relationship. Inheritance is usually exempt from assets too is it not?
If they equity came from both of yous working long term that’s different.
However on your actual question yes he should sort childcare for his Fridays and all days he has the children

This has NOTHING to do with it. Keep it factual. Facts to do with the kids the money the assets

-I left my ex husband after I had an emotional affair with a woman
-I am now live with and in a LT relationship with her

These kind of threads are brilliant for bringing the menz crawlies out... 😂 You are definitely NOT being unreasonable OP. Congratulations on your promotion. 💐

That wasn't a discussion

People also seem to mentioning op diddling him by having 50% of the house instead of maintenance because he's on a low wage. But op could divorce him, get 50% of it in the settlement anyway and make him pay maintenance, even if it was a paltry amount 🤷‍♀️

OP hasn’t said a single word about abuse.

Her posts just read as though she’s trying to justify her affair by going back and talking about the awful things he did before they even married - like I said above, it’s no different to all the men on the “relationships” board who try and say they’ve never been happy in their marriage and that’s why they were forced to go off with Rachel from accounts.

it stinks of re-writing history, that’s all, and that’s something that would go down like a pile of cold sick if it came from a man:

I don't think you're BU asking him to cover 4 school pickups a month. That's minimal, yes inconvenient but that's kids for you.
Even if you were still together you would still have a childcare problem on Fridays, if both of you were working.
Can your child walk to his dad's house from school with a friend and their parent/carer, if it's too far to walk to yours? Or could your partner pick your child up on those days? Has your ex any family who could help?
What you did during the marriage has nothing to do with it, your ex still needs to do his share of caring for your joint child. He is lucky you're doing the lion's share, even on his days, as well as providing for them forevermore.

He's being unreasonable. Have you thought of asking to finish early on Friday and work the hours lost by staying late other days?

If you've looked at above and it's not possible, he needs to either pay maintenance or step up and lose a couple of hours work - you should never have started dropping them off, he should have collected them.

The details around your divorce are irrelevant.
Have you completed a financial order yet?
Also, it’s interesting that you say you’ve “found out you gave a new job”. In reality, you searched, applied and interviewed for a new job then told your ex once you got it.

@Rosscameasdoody yes, I know - she still had the affair though. Totally unnecessary.

How much was his inheritance that paid for the house?

You've offered him an exceptionally good deal and he's still making life difficult for you
Not so sure. We don't even know about their pensions!

The thing is - getting more maintenance funding wouldn't solve the problem would it? There just isn't any available childcare options (and yes that really does happen esp in rural areas). That's why I think "paying" him not a bad idea- maybe not pay as in a pay slip etc etc, but just something to sweeten the deal- much as many of us subsidie our partners /give them gifts/buy the car etc etc - to make our working life easier and life good for the children

"On you basic point it’s not unreasonable to try and change arrangements for the children to better suit your needs but you do have to be careful how you manage the question and the expectation because you’re not a team anymore and what’s good for you might not be good off him and the other way around."

This 👆🏼

The how you got to this point only serves to derail the post. Your later drip feed of having your LTP help with childcare should have been in your original post.

You were married - you are going through a divorce, the family assets (the house - but also possibly pensions) should be divided on a needs basis, with the starting assumption being 50/50. Again, the starting assumption regarding the time spent with parents should be 50/50. Where the agreement is not 50/50, there should be a payment made from the party with less contact to the party with more contact.

Who did what to end the marriage is largely irrelevant in the eyes of the law.

At least one of your free children will not be considered as a child when divorcing. Maybe the second either.

In all likelihood he would only be paying maintenance for 2 children not 3 and maybe only one or soon one.

If you separated only a couple of years after his inheritance which fully paid for the family home, it's not at all a given that you'd be entitled to 50%.

You make it sound like you need extra money to house his children, but you are talking about one child for sure maybe two for a few more years.

I think when it comes to childcare you’d be stupid to rely on an ex despite being the parent to just change their work because you changed your work.

The choices you make in your home shouldn’t force changes in the other.

He should be paying maintenance regardless of how little he earns, it's not right that he does bare minimum in terms of contact and also pays fuck all. Claim because it's important he realises he has a moral and legal obligation to HIS children and even a token amount is crucial in ensuring he remembers that.
I also agree that it's not childcare, it's parenting and it's not fair that it's all on you to manage everyone and everything. Can your partner help at all on Friday? Absolutely no after school club?

I meant it’s fairly clear that the accusation of lack of morals isn’t warranted. Lots of moral outrage and pearl clutching here, with very little to go on as to what’s happened in the past. OP says she was on the point of leaving anyway. Without knowing the details we’re not in a position to judge her reasoning. And it wasn’t the point of her post.