Ex pissed off im changing childcare arrangements. AIBU?

Also just to add the affair and who it’s with is irrelevant people do that and marriages break down the division of the assets children and children’s well-being is most important. Add little one to the waiting list for Fridays wraparound care and tell him it’s temporary would be my honest solution to your current problem hopefully you will be able to get it sorted good luck with your new job!

Money is irrelevant if it’s his day it’s his childcare issue yes it’s inconvenient for him but I believe that’s how the courts do it like separate nursery bills for same child. Could he get a family member of his or someone else who could step in for the few hours?

the money side of it’s a different story
The house was a marital asset and would probably be split anyway only op knows if this is actually fair for example if he’s a low earner and she paid 20 years of previous rent before the house was purchased on top of supporting the children (child care bills clothes food ect) I think child maintenance should be paid too now as that money paid by her is his share from before especially If he’s not doing 50/50 children are not the physical or financial responsibility of just one parent! But if he’s always been more equal it seems a bit of a gray area maybe have a look at whole finances for both parents with a professional and check if this is fair.

Why can't one of your older children collect and bring home the 6 year old? You said you have a 19 year old would they be able to do this if you pay for a taxi maybe? Just to add you're getting really drawn into chat on this thread and seem to be taking stuff really personally, maybe just focus on the replies like mine that just focus on your initial query.

If you asked “Could you pick up ..” or demanded it “I need you to pick up…” The former is reasonable, the latter isn’t, especially if Friday is a day where he actually makes money.

I suspect that some of the backlash from him is because this would help you out and as you’re the ex, he doesn’t want you telling him what to do which is childish as it doesn’t take into account the child’s pov that time with daddy is better than at childcare but this is how things would work if you took him to court. (He’d say what days and times he wanted the kids and you would have to pay for childcare the rest of the time )

If you’d asked him before paying for childcare then that’s very reasonable but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case.

Yanbu re childcare. He needs to step up.

Yabu re 50% of the house which was purchased with proceeds from his inheritance. That's not how maintenance works.

Yes granted things become more nuanced when you get into pensions etc but as a starting point her ex definitely should be contributing more to the kids (financially or with his time) more than he currently does.

@Childcare101sans

I don't give a rat's ass about the affair, the house or CM, it's irrelevant to the current problem.

You have an agreed upon (informal?) child arrangement. That arrangement is that you pick up DC after school on your exH's Friday. It is what it is. You agreed to it. If, in hindsight, that was a mistake it's not your ex's problem to solve.

No maintenance and you having responsibility for the DC 90% is also irrelevant because you agreed to this. Just because it no longer works for you that doesn't entitle you to unilaterally change the arrangement. You can and did ask. But he is entitled to say 'no'. Your only option (if he doesn't calm down & agree) is to take him to court for a formal child order in which he has the DC more often, or at least has them from end of the school day on his days.

Should he have his children more? I agree, he absolutely should. But he doesn't have to (under your current agreement) just because you and I (and probably the majority of posters) think he should. It sucks, but there it is.

@LiquoriceAllsorts2 yeah but she paid the lions share of the mortgage and the bills. People are getting very get up on the inheritance but it only paid for part of the house. So it's most definitely partly her house. Plus she's spent on new housing rather than living the high life

I think you’ve been given a hard time on here OP. As you say, you’d be entitled to half of any savings / property on a divorce anyway and your ex would then either have to pay you maintenance or provide 50% of the childcare. He’s done the former, but he’s not doing either of the latter and so I don’t think YABU in expecting him to up his game. It’s not like you’ve taken all his money - he’s got a lump sum to pay for a house and he has an earning capacity (which is doesn’t sound like he is fully utilising) and he should be providing for / looking after his kids.

A court would not make any moral judgment on the breakdown of the marriage (or the reason for it / who is to blame) but would instead sort the practical arrangements out - and that is what you both need to do here. I’m not condoning the affair (you seem to accept it wasn’t the best move anyway) but he really needs to work with you for the sake of the kids even if he is annoyed / upset with you (which is understandable).

Absolutely this - I think presenting it as a done deal "i've got a new job, you need to do this" was unwise at best. I also think your attitude towards his inheritance is pretty grim as is your repainting the reason for the break up as his financial circumstances rather than your affair...

Why do people keep saying that Friday after school until OP drops child off is "his time". It's not. His time, mutually agreed, starts when she drops him off after work. That is the agreed arrangement and the status quo.

If OP can no longer look after her child on her agreed time, then she needs to arrange childcare, or change her plans so she is available.

It is reasonable to ask him if he can/wants to start his time earlier, but he does not have to agree. If he doesn't agree to the change, then it is still her responsibility to cover the time she previously agreed to.

Whether he has the children enough, pays enough towards the children, should have more/less of the money from the house, who had an affair, what the pension split is, etc etc are all irrelevant to this question.

OP's time as agreed is up until the current agreed drop off time every other Friday. It is not right for her to change that without getting his express agreement because she wants to earn more money at the cost of him earning less. I'm not trying to say what they have agreed is right or fair, or trying to make any judgement on either parties behaviour (neither party come out well tbh). What I am saying is that it is unreasonable to unilaterally change the agreed contact schedule without express agreement on both sides. Agreement is not forthcoming, so the status quo remains - ergo it is up to OP to find childcare or accept she is not free to work over that period.

He gave her half his inheritance though in exchange for not paying anything. He didn’t have to do that and I think it depends on the amount of the inheritance

From a strictly practical perspective, can your oldest do anything to help with the school pickups? They shouldn’t have to, but you could always pay them if you were prepared to pay for childcare anyway.

If the children's father is currently doing about 20 percent of the child care, I don't see how he can reasonably complain about being asked to do a tiny bit more.

Not at all unreasonable. Things will continue to change as your son gets older. You will both have to change and adapt current arrangements over time.

If he doesn't want to pick up on a Friday then he needs to arrange childcare as you will on your days. Besides, if he has any sort of brain he'll know that Friday nights with small kids after a week of school is always a bit of a bear garden. The opportunity for an early pick up and early dinner is a godsend.

This is one of endless problems living in the middle of nowhere. Why people think it's living the dream to raise kids in rural locations I'll never know. It's just endless hassle.

@Childcare101sans can you book regular annual leave for a couple of hours on his Fridays? Or work lunches/condense your hours? I know you shouldn't need to but it'll provide continuity for dc as your current arrangement won't change.

YABVU to actively pursue money which came to him via inheritance, shameful in fact.

> It's a really bad idea to try to rely on an Ex for childcare.

You do realise that the post you replied to could 100% be advice to him, as well as to you?
Read it as if his male friend was talking to him

I totally agree with this!
"I was going to leave anyway"
"He was not a nice man"
All that jazz.. yeah right. It's not true. I don't believe the emotional affair either tbh, not that it changes things.

I'm sure we shouldn't be taking OP's character apart, but OP does not sound like someone I would want to be friends with.
If one of my friends (male or female) upped and left his wife for someone else, took money she had inherited and blamed it all on his wife, I would absolutely not be making excuses. That is horrible and deserves contempt. This is why society is what it is. No one is willing to say "Sarah you are being selfish". No we all say: "yeah I totally get it, he sounds like a prick".

> He’s just said “so I lose out on work and money while you go to work for more money?”

Well, he's not wrong...

Why don't you deal with this alternate Fridays
Talk to your employer, explain the situation