Ex pissed off im changing childcare arrangements. AIBU?

So, your viewpoint is that one person can unilaterally change the mutually agreed custody arrangements without the other person agreeing to it? And the other person has to suck it up, even if they have work commitments on that day?

That's not a viewpoint that most people would consider reasonable.

So yes, let's agree that we have differing opinions on this and leave it there.

Well, OP also used his inherited money to fund her/their family home. Why does that make him the only 'plank' here?

He also did/has/does work, he just doesn't earn as much as OP, it happens.

You sound very hateful towards him, given you only have one side of the argument and some of that side doesn't sound great at all.

OK and? That doesn't change my view point.
You can be as pedantic and factually correct as many posts as makes you happy.
It doesn't change the fact that I disagree. It really isn't an issue we have differing opinions

What she actually said was:

"We currently and have never had childcare on Fridays, so I collect our primary age son from school every Friday and either keep him if it’s my weekend with the kids or drop him to his dads later if it’s his weekend."

What about this suggests he's meant to be with Dad?
It has always been their arrangement that it's her time.

It's the arrangement they made, and she should stick to it unless they mutually agree to change.

And I'm not picking in your posts (sorry if it seems like that). I'm just factually correcting people who seem to think it's not OPs agreed responsibility when, by her own words and actions it was very clearly agreed that it was.

I’m not sure I even believe a lot of what the OP has said tbh there’s been a lot of drip feeding as soon as people disagree with them OP adds ‘oh but he was so awful to me for 25 years’ ‘this is about keeping a roof over the children’s heads’, really? I thought it was about your new job?

This thread would have gone so differently if the op hadn't mentioned that she had began her LTR before ending her marriage.
Grow up haters, it happens!
The exh sounds like a plank, he's obviously not and has never pulled his weight.
He's had to use inherited money to house himself and his family, instead of working. Of course he needs to contribute towards the division of the marriage assets, the op has clearly been contributing way more in ever other aspect.

I hope he sees reason and picks his kids up on Fridays rather than wanting randoms to look after them until he strolls in from his half on job.

Because the op said they were meant to be with dad butbshe was able to cover the hours so sorted that out.
Not sure why you're getting on me this much 🤷‍♀️ Regardless we disagree. I believe dad needs to sort childcare for those hours and you don't.

If this were true, then given op gets them up and to school on that morning then surely they should be her responsibility for those 24hours?

What’s that got to do with anything ? They are his children as well. In scenarios where the husband has an affair and leaves, the woman is still expected to step up with childcare - in many cases with little or no input from the ex who’s off and enjoying himself with his fling. OP isn’t doing that - she’s taken responsibility for 90% of the childcare. He could step up with a bit more if he really wanted to.

You left him for someone else. Of course he isn't going to do you any favours.

Where do you get that from? Why are they "his hours"? They are her hours because she agreed she'd cover them (making them hers) and because by custom she has always done them (making them hers). He's never done them, he's never agreed to do them, they're not his hours.

The ongoing arrangement is that OP has the child until after his work on every other Friday. Her custody ends at the agreed hand over time, not before.

Should he do more? Probably yes. But that's not and has never been the mutually agreed arrangement that is in place.

There is no child maintenance arrangement, so irrelevant how it would be calculated if they did.

The mutually agreed ongoing arrangement is that OP has custody until after his work every other Friday and he takes custody when the child his dropped to him after work. This is arrangement and it puts OP responsible for the period from school pick up on those Fridays until she drops them to him after work. This is the status quo and cannot be unilaterally changed by one party without the other party agreeing to it.

OP has a responsibly to her child up until the agreed drop off time after her ex gets home from work. Therefore she needs to be available and look after her child for that period or arrange other suitable alternative childcare.

If it was his responsibility wouldn’t he also be responsible for getting the kids to school on Fridays?

I disagree. The op said she would cover those hours for him because she could, but now she no longer can. So dad can step up and sort himself out

It’s a custody day of 24 hours because that is how child maintenance would be calculated. It is based on overnights, but presumes responsibility for adjacent daytime as justification for the cost calculation. A sleeping child is relatively cheap, it’s when they are awake and need to be fed, clothed, transported, and watched every moment that they are truly expensive.

Again, they are not "his custody days". Why do people keep saying this?

The arrangement they have made is that his period of custody starts from after he gets back from work on alternate Fridays. The period of time in question is OPs custody time as per their existing arrangement, not his custody time.

OP has made herself unavailable on her custody time and is now expecting him to drop hours to cover her time. It is unreasonable for her to have done this unilaterally without explicitly asking for his agreement first.

Perhaps she wishes she'd never agreed to provide custody up until he finished work, but she did. So it is her responsibility to cover that period.

I think we can all agree that it would be nice if he was willing and able to do more. But he isn't. So it is up to OP to arrange childcare or make herself available to cover her agreed custody time.

Probably because it doesn’t seem that Friday the whole day is dad’s time. It’s been for a long time dad’s time once dad’s finished work.

His contact time though actions has set it as the evening. Mum drops off Friday morning, mum picks up Friday afternoon, dad finished work and then child arrives to dads. Dad doesn’t even fetch child from mums so make it seem more favour ish.

If the child is hurt during the day on a Friday, which parent would be the first contact and collect them that’s whose time it is tbh.

OK so an affair not great and you acknowledge that.
However op is asking if she is unreasonable to ask ex to collect his children from school on his custody days or organise childcare.
I don't understand why people don't think he is responsible for that on his days?
Yes he hasn't had to so far as op has managed to.cover it. But that is no longer possible so he now needs to be responsible for his days.
Op will organise childcare for the 2 Fridays a week she has custody the ex needs to organise his 2 weeks

It could be argued that the ex has had extra help from the op for those 2 Fridays.

Regardless of when, how or why they split parents are responsible for the chn on their custody days. If that means they collect from school or organise suitable childcare then that's what they need to do.

Questioning op about how assets were/are being divided in her divorce case is neither here nor there, this is purely about whether her ex should be responsible for his kids on his custody days

What? Who dictates that his time has to be in 24 hour blocks? Or that it "technically" starts at any other time than the agreed start date (when she drops the children off at his after work)

His time starts at the the mutually agreed drop of time (after he finishes work) and ends at whatever the mutually agreed time is for him to drop them back to her.

Therefore, as per their agreement, it is her responsibility to look after the child/ren from the end of school on a Friday until she drops them to him after work. That is her time, as per their prior agreement.

This cannot be unilaterally changed. It's reasonable to ask him if he is able to change arrangements. It's unreasonable for OP to make herself unavailable on her agreed time without having arranged suitable childcare and expect him to rearrange/reduce his working hours to cover time that it was agreed was her time.

Nothing else is relevant to the question the OP asked.

OP says it was an emotional affair with a woman. That could easily have been a friendship which spilled over and ended up being the thing that made her realise she was gay, and may well have been the catalyst for her to leave. No point in continuing the marriage if your spouse isn’t the sex you want. Nothing to do with lack of morals and everything to do with the discovery that you’re gay and coming to terms with the implications and consequences of that discovery. And a world apart from just going out and having an affair with another man.

It depends on what time his custody day runs. If it technically starts at the end of the school day, then you are perfectly fine to stop covering his time.

if it’s unclear what time his time starts, I would count backwards from when his time ends in 24 hour increments.

OP clearly said in her updates that the inheritance didn’t pay for all of the joint marital property. There is a mortgage which she pays. She said that once everything is paid off they will each get around £200,000.

Which is why 50/50 is not unreasonable in my view. OP has 90% of the responsibility for the children so why should she not have 50% of the joint marital assets to house herself and her children.

OP says it was an emotional affair. It may have started out as friendship and developed, ending up as the thing that made her realise she was gay, and the catalyst for leaving. Probably a lot more nuanced than if she’d just had an affair with another man. But even assuming the marriage had no other problems, once the realisation that she was gay dawned, the marriage was likely doomed anyway.