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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex pissed off im changing childcare arrangements. AIBU?

332 replies

Childcare101sans · 29/01/2025 08:27

Background (I have friends on here who will guess who I am with this info - please don’t out me!)

-I left my ex husband after I had an emotional affair with a woman
-I am now live with and in a LT relationship with her
-Ex inherited a house 6-7 years ago which we sold and we bought the family home which he lives in and up for sale
-he see’s the kids 2 hours after work twice a week and every other weekend
-when we broke up, because he earns little, I asked for 50% of the house, will count that as him providing for his kids and he doesn’t need to pay maintenance

Ive just found out I have a new job, I have moved up in my career rapidly and will be getting a higher paid banding.

It means I’m less flexible and have to be in the office 9-5 M-F

We currently and have never had childcare on Fridays, so I collect our primary age son from school every Friday and either keep him if it’s my weekend with the kids or drop him to his dads later if it’s his weekend.

Ive asked my ex if he will collect him from school on his Fridays and I will have to somehow figure out my Fridays since I will be starting this new job.

He’s gone mad.
He hasn’t said yes or no.
He’s just said “so I lose out on work and money while you go to work for more money?” (He’s self employed)

I feel like I’m providing for the three kids on a day to day basis and 4 hours less a month for him isn’t that much of a hit.

I live rurally and I’ve been searching for 2 weeks for alternative options.
No after school clubs.
No friends available for that time.
No other childminders or teens of friends that could help. My older kids work/don’t drive unable to help.
Im still trying to find alternatives but failing.

Am I being unreasonable changing the goal posts to benefit the fact that I have a new and better paid job?

OP posts:
Original poster
Childcare101sans · 29/01/2025 08:57

mrsm43s · 29/01/2025 08:56

I think any change to contact arrangements that affect you both should have been discussed and agreed between both of you.

That said, I do think it's reasonable that if it's "his" day he picks his child up from school. However, if the agreed arrangement was that you would do it, you shouldn't unilaterally change that arrangement without discussion.

That was the discussion.

OP posts:
mrsm43s · 29/01/2025 08:56

I think any change to contact arrangements that affect you both should have been discussed and agreed between both of you.

That said, I do think it's reasonable that if it's "his" day he picks his child up from school. However, if the agreed arrangement was that you would do it, you shouldn't unilaterally change that arrangement without discussion.

Original poster
Childcare101sans · 29/01/2025 08:52

Octavia64 · 29/01/2025 08:46

The problem with relationships breaking up is that people often are unreasonable.

Often one or both sides are very very upset and people who are very upset don't behave sensibly.

It's a really bad idea to try to rely on an Ex for childcare.

I agree. Which is why I felt it was important to give context.

However, despite me using the phrase childcare, childcare is what I’m struggling to find.
Him having his child after school on his days isn’t childcare. That’s him having his own child. Being a father.
Childminder, Nanny or family arrangements is childcare.

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 29/01/2025 08:46

The problem with relationships breaking up is that people often are unreasonable.

Often one or both sides are very very upset and people who are very upset don't behave sensibly.

It's a really bad idea to try to rely on an Ex for childcare.

littleluncheon · 29/01/2025 08:45

If he's not paying maintenance then he should be doing 50% of the childcare.
Up his childcare hours so he's got them 7 nights a fortnight.

Original poster
Childcare101sans · 29/01/2025 08:40

There are some saying I am being unreasonable.

Is that because I changed the goal posts?

OP posts:
rosemole · 29/01/2025 08:33

YANBU. You are the primary carer AND earner. He's annoyed but he hasn't said he won't do it.