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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex pissed off im changing childcare arrangements. AIBU?

332 replies

Childcare101sans · 29/01/2025 08:27

Background (I have friends on here who will guess who I am with this info - please don’t out me!)

-I left my ex husband after I had an emotional affair with a woman
-I am now live with and in a LT relationship with her
-Ex inherited a house 6-7 years ago which we sold and we bought the family home which he lives in and up for sale
-he see’s the kids 2 hours after work twice a week and every other weekend
-when we broke up, because he earns little, I asked for 50% of the house, will count that as him providing for his kids and he doesn’t need to pay maintenance

Ive just found out I have a new job, I have moved up in my career rapidly and will be getting a higher paid banding.

It means I’m less flexible and have to be in the office 9-5 M-F

We currently and have never had childcare on Fridays, so I collect our primary age son from school every Friday and either keep him if it’s my weekend with the kids or drop him to his dads later if it’s his weekend.

Ive asked my ex if he will collect him from school on his Fridays and I will have to somehow figure out my Fridays since I will be starting this new job.

He’s gone mad.
He hasn’t said yes or no.
He’s just said “so I lose out on work and money while you go to work for more money?” (He’s self employed)

I feel like I’m providing for the three kids on a day to day basis and 4 hours less a month for him isn’t that much of a hit.

I live rurally and I’ve been searching for 2 weeks for alternative options.
No after school clubs.
No friends available for that time.
No other childminders or teens of friends that could help. My older kids work/don’t drive unable to help.
Im still trying to find alternatives but failing.

Am I being unreasonable changing the goal posts to benefit the fact that I have a new and better paid job?

OP posts:
ColourBlueColourPurple · 29/01/2025 10:03

Childcare101sans · 29/01/2025 09:53

If my ex did that to me, I would focus on providing for my children in any which way I could, despite him doing a cuntish thing.

Whether that meant getting a decent job and paying for them or making sure they had a roof over their head and they were safe and secure.

Show quote history

I'd say he has provided you with plenty with the £200k. He should be providing regular child maintenance, yes, but you're not in any position to play the hard done by one in this situation. I think you've behaved terribly and it's no wonder that this man is hurt and not chopping and changing to make your life easier.

biscuitsandbooks · 29/01/2025 10:02

@WhatFreshHellisThese of course it's her problem as she's the one who currently does pick up.

If she wants to change things because of her job, she needs to sort out childcare, and if he's unable or unwilling to do it, she'll have to pay someone.

Silvers11 · 29/01/2025 10:02

LemonTT · 29/01/2025 09:08

Under your current child arrangements this is your time with the children. If you need to work you have two options. One is to ask him if he wants to have the children regularly on Fridays. But this upends a whole routine for them and for him. And it doesn’t really creat quality time for them as a family. He may not think it is a good idea. It’s not a simple mid week extra night offer and you might have to reopen the whole child arrangement between you.

The other is fund childcare when you have to work.

I think you need to accept he will probably have negative feelings towards you. I wouldn’t be surprised if the thinks you are selfish given what has happened. As you cheated and then broke up the family unit he may feel powerless in your co parenting arrangement.

It would be unsurprising for someone in his situation to not want to push back against your requests. And this one is not really thought out from anyones perspective but yours and the problems are ones you created from choices to cheat, split up, move to a rural location and choice of work.

I agree with this poster. You cannot make a uni-lateral decision without having a discussion and getting agreement, which you didn't do.

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 29/01/2025 10:00

Incidentally, I hope this all happened some years ago and you didn’t move your children out of their family and in with another woman straightaway?

given the house is still on the market I think this seems like the equivalent of man leaves for another woman and introduces him straight to her children..

Just because it’s another woman, don’t be so sure that your children haven’t been affected by this and having to accept that their mother now lives with a woman instead of a man.

The whole thing sounds like a complete shitshow. But as long as you and the OW are happy eh?

WhatFreshHellisThese · 29/01/2025 09:59

@HipToTheHopDontStop quite, that's the thing with favours. It's only if they suit and very shortly it won't do.

WhatFreshHellisThese · 29/01/2025 09:57

If he doesn't want to do it voluntarily then l would go to court and get access arrangements ironed out there. Plus go for CMS and stop paying for childcare on his days. It's only one pick up a week he's asked to?!

CautiousLurker01 · 29/01/2025 09:57

If it’s just Fridays, can you not negotiate with your new role’s manager(s) to leave early on Fridays and make up the time by working a little later on the days your DH has them after school?

Explain that there are no Friday afterschool clubs and it’s a short/medium term childcare issue until DS is at secondary school.

Or could your new partner help?

HipToTheHopDontStop · 29/01/2025 09:56

mrsm43s · 29/01/2025 09:01

It wasn't really a "discussion" though? You just told him he had to do it!

A discussion would be you both having an input and deciding together whether you could both make it work before making any changes.

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She's been doing him a favour picking up.his son on his day. She can withdraw that favour without discussion and agreement from him.

Original poster
Childcare101sans · 29/01/2025 09:55

WhatFreshHellisThese · 29/01/2025 09:53

The relationship breakdown is a red herring, people are allowed to leave relationships. She shouldn't have morally had an affair but that how no legal bearing on the financials or child access arrangements
The offer in return is she does the majority of child rearing and pays for most of it which she has always done by the sound of it

I’ve always paid for 100% of the childcare for the last 18 years.

OP posts:
WhatFreshHellisThese · 29/01/2025 09:55

MathsMum3 · 29/01/2025 09:51

I don't think your new partner has been mentioned yet. Is she available to help you out with this? You say in your OP that you now live with her and you are in a LT relationship, so she must be playing a large role in their lives already.

What's it got to do with the next nearest female?!

aCatCalledFawkes · 29/01/2025 09:55

I don’t think you are unreasonable but I have extremely flexible employers so I can do most things around my children. The problem is it’s doesn’t sound like either of you do, when two parents have really inflexible employers then it’s not as easy as just telling your boss that you’re cutting hours - will you tell your new employers you need Friday afternoon for your weekends.
if you have already agreed to 50% of the house and you admit he’s a low earner than it’s tricky.

Kdubs1981 · 29/01/2025 09:55

RogerF · 29/01/2025 09:02

Why don't you offer to pay him to do do pick up every Friday? That way he doesn't financially lose out (I see his point l), and you sort your childcare issue for every Friday too

What?! 😂😂😂😂😂

Or she could ask for the maintenance the children are entitled to because at the moment he's not financially providing for his children.

Bonkers

Original poster
Childcare101sans · 29/01/2025 09:54

Plaided · 29/01/2025 09:48

Can’t you arrange childcare (after school club etc, or a childminder), then both split the costs. I think if it’s usually your day to pick up, it falls on you to come up with a solution that doesn’t involve him missing out on work.

Split the cost?

I pay for all the childcare. If I could find the childcare for the Fridays, I would happily pay for that too. Unfortunately I cannot find any.

OP posts:
RareFinch · 29/01/2025 09:54

Nameftgigb · 29/01/2025 09:52

He’s lost his family unit. We’re only hearing one side of the story here, the op is clearly only out for herself, so I’d love to hear his side

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So anyone that chooses to end a marriage should suffer? Unless OP is lying about his contributions and how much he sees the DC, how will his side shine him in a better light?

Original poster
Childcare101sans · 29/01/2025 09:53

ColourBlueColourPurple · 29/01/2025 09:50

If my ex had cheated on me, took my family unit out from under my feet, along with £200k of my money and then expected me to be flexible to make his life easier, then let's just say he'd be in for a shock. I think you need to have a bit more empathy and understanding about the position that he's found himself in.

Show quote history

If my ex did that to me, I would focus on providing for my children in any which way I could, despite him doing a cuntish thing.

Whether that meant getting a decent job and paying for them or making sure they had a roof over their head and they were safe and secure.

OP posts:
WhatFreshHellisThese · 29/01/2025 09:53

The relationship breakdown is a red herring, people are allowed to leave relationships. She shouldn't have morally had an affair but that how no legal bearing on the financials or child access arrangements
The offer in return is she does the majority of child rearing and pays for most of it which she has always done by the sound of it

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 29/01/2025 09:53

Childcare101sans · 29/01/2025 09:24

Pay him?

Is this genuine?

Pay a father to look after his children?

Show quote history

But your financially gaining he is potentially losing (income)
Play fair!

Kdubs1981 · 29/01/2025 09:52

He's a cheeky shit and not providing for the kids

WhatTheKey · 29/01/2025 09:52

I think you're being foolish by taking half of the house and not taking maintenance. Talk to your solicitor about a fair split of the house and any assets, and sort out maintenance and arrangements for your children separately. Maintenance is money for your children, not you, it's just that you decide how to spend it on their living costs. Rejecting it is rejecting money for your kids- that would make me feel very uncomfortable.
I think that paying would also benefit your ex, because you'd firm up childcare arrangements which neither of you can decide to change on a whim.

Nameftgigb · 29/01/2025 09:52

RareFinch · 29/01/2025 09:50

He hasn't lost his children. He could go to court and get 50/50. He chooses not to see much of them.

Show quote history

He’s lost his family unit. We’re only hearing one side of the story here, the op is clearly only out for herself, so I’d love to hear his side

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 29/01/2025 09:51

How old is the child in question?

MathsMum3 · 29/01/2025 09:51

I don't think your new partner has been mentioned yet. Is she available to help you out with this? You say in your OP that you now live with her and you are in a LT relationship, so she must be playing a large role in their lives already.

Original poster
Childcare101sans · 29/01/2025 09:50

RareFinch · 29/01/2025 09:48

I think people are thrown by your affair. It doesn't change the fact that he isn't actively parenting his children. Taking 50% of a house share in a divorce is totally normal and the starting point in court. It shouldn't mean he can forfeit providing for his children. On his days, childcare is his responsibility. And he should be looking after his children way more. It isn't your fault he chose a poorly paid career. He collects the DC from school on his days, or put them in after school club and claim the CMS you are legally entitled to to pay for it.

In theory and legally, you are absolutely correct.

Its the messiness of the divorce and how it came about which is clouding both his and my reaction.

His is anger, understandably.

OP posts:
RareFinch · 29/01/2025 09:50

Nameftgigb · 29/01/2025 09:47

This! How is everyone agreeing with the op here? It was HER choice to ask for half of the house in lieu of him paying child support! So his partners left him for another woman, he’s ‘lost’ his children and family, he lost half of his home which had been left to him through inheritance, the op hasn’t contributed to it. And now he’s getting slated on here for not paying child support, despite that being exactly what the op wanted and asked for??

Show quote history

He hasn't lost his children. He could go to court and get 50/50. He chooses not to see much of them.

ColourBlueColourPurple · 29/01/2025 09:50

Childcare101sans · 29/01/2025 09:46

We are selling our house for £470k and we will split the amount 50-50

After paying off everything we will get about £200k each

In the area I am in for the kids schools, I can get a 2 bed flat, with a mortgage

He can move further afield and get a 3 or 4 bedroom place, as the children are with me the majority of the time. He could make that work with ease but I could not unless I change the children’s schools and move out of area, and even then I wouldn’t get much more for my money.

Show quote history

If my ex had cheated on me, took my family unit out from under my feet, along with £200k of my money and then expected me to be flexible to make his life easier, then let's just say he'd be in for a shock. I think you need to have a bit more empathy and understanding about the position that he's found himself in.

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