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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH wants me to go part time at work …

493 replies

Pinkflowerpower · 29/01/2025 08:08

DH and I both work full time. He earns (£70k) which is double my wage. We have 2 children under 3 who are in nursery full time.

My role means that I often don’t get back for nursery pick ups at 6 and DH has to cover these which is effecting his role as he has to leave work early. His role is the main source of income.

We have been in our situation a year and it is stressful as we are both rushing around.

Whilst my role isn’t hugely well paid I get a decent pension scheme. I do however find it stressful at times and this spills over into our personal life .

A week day is - wake up , get the children to nursery - run to work , rush to collect children , cook dinner , get the children to bed , then do the washing and cleaning etc. It feels like we are on a treadmill and I do worry the children are always being rushed about !

I am aware our set up will get harder when the children go to school and we don’t have access to nursery from 8-6pm.

Last night DH said he would like me to consider going part time or working around school hours even if meant I earnt a lot less as his job is suffering , we are both exhausted and he feels like we never see each other or the children during the week.

Deep down I think DH is right .I wouldn’t be sad to work part time but I am 37 and wonder if this is an awfulIdea ? I am worried that I won’t be able to pay much into a pension at all and that if I do this until the children start secondary I will never get a carer started!

The other part of me would love to be less stressed as my role is extremely emotional and I would love to see the children more and have some days at home.

DH is kind , supportive and we split the house work equally. We have shared finances. We don’t have massive amounts of savings but no debts and have a small Mortgage.

AIBU to go part time at 37?

OP posts:
Snowy7 · 29/01/2025 08:27

kiraric · 29/01/2025 08:21

Also if you're paid around 70k, dropping to 4.5 or 4 days a week doesn't reduce your take home pay by as much as you think because that bit is all higher rate taxed. I did it for a while in the nursery years in that salary and with two, given the saving in nursery costs, it didn't even really cost anything to drop the half day

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I am always bemused when people tell posters that the DH should reduce his hours even though the pay is twice as much and the have 2 DC in nursery. People don't even know what the DH does for work, nor if he wants to and if it is possible at all .

saraclara · 29/01/2025 08:27

Not all jobs are condusive to pay time working. And being able to drop an hour a day is even less likely to be offered by an employer.

We don't know what job each parent does, and how each career and promotion possibilities would be impacted by going past ting, so it's a bit daft to jump to 'well he needs to go part time instead'

DaringLion · 29/01/2025 08:27

Do what is right for your family. You can always go back full time later on.

DisforDarkChocolate · 29/01/2025 08:26

I'd be wary of damaging my career. However, working part-time wouldn't be my first choice. I'd think about a different more flexible job or different childcare first.

EBoo80 · 29/01/2025 08:26

Also much more tax efficient for the higher earner to drop some hours. I say that as the higher earner who has gone slightly part time. Sounds like a happy marriage, so the conversation should at least consider either of you dropping some hours.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 29/01/2025 08:26

I wouldn't, personally. I value my financial independence.

Frowningprovidence · 29/01/2025 08:25

If you work part time you will still be rushing around, just at different times. I work part time and mornings are still a faff.

I also think you need to ge careful to not go part time to clean and cook. It's fine to put the children first but a lot of people sleep walk into actually being off for housework.

Naunet · 29/01/2025 08:25

Snowy7 · 29/01/2025 08:22

The DH is doing the pick ups as OP often cannot do it. Looks like OP needs flex working.

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Because it shouldnt be a man's job?!

Soontobe60 · 29/01/2025 08:25

kiraric · 29/01/2025 08:21

Also if you're paid around 70k, dropping to 4.5 or 4 days a week doesn't reduce your take home pay by as much as you think because that bit is all higher rate taxed. I did it for a while in the nursery years in that salary and with two, given the saving in nursery costs, it didn't even really cost anything to drop the half day

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Another bonus would be that they may qualify for child benefit if his income dropped to below £60k.

Viviennemary · 29/01/2025 08:25

Yes if you are happy to reduce your hours. Going part-time is nowhere near as risky as being an SAHM without a job or income. IMHO.

17CherryTreeLane · 29/01/2025 08:23

Are you doing the morning drop offs? If yes, is your husband getting into work early to get a good chunk of work done before others arrive? That's what I do, I earn very well and the time I leave does not impact my career as everyone knows this is how I work.

TheGoogleMum · 29/01/2025 08:23

Could he go part time? He'd still be making a decent amount on. A few less hours!

Morph22010 · 29/01/2025 08:23

Catza · 29/01/2025 08:10

Sounds like a good idea, to be honest. Would he consider topping up your pension while you work part time?

The trouble is from a purely financial view if there is spare money to pay into a pension it makes more sense to pay it into DHs as he’d get higher rate tax relief. So if they paid £10k into his pension the pension company would claim back basic rate and dh could claim back higher rate from hmrc which works out to £2.5k. If £10k paid into op pension there is no higher rate relief to come back so it costs £2.5k more to end up with same amount in the pension

VotingForYourself · 29/01/2025 08:22

kiraric · 29/01/2025 08:21

Also if you're paid around 70k, dropping to 4.5 or 4 days a week doesn't reduce your take home pay by as much as you think because that bit is all higher rate taxed. I did it for a while in the nursery years in that salary and with two, given the saving in nursery costs, it didn't even really cost anything to drop the half day

Show quote history

Exactly he's only going to be reducing the part of his pay that is taxed so it's not going to be that huge an imapct

Snowy7 · 29/01/2025 08:22

Parker231 · 29/01/2025 08:12

No - stay full time. Many families have two parents working full time - it just takes organising. Has your DH made a flexible working request?

In our house DH did the morning drop offs and I did the collecting from nursery/after school. Check the school your DC’s will go to has a breakfast and after school club.

The DH is doing the pick ups as OP often cannot do it. Looks like OP needs flex working.

VotingForYourself · 29/01/2025 08:22

Topseyt123 · 29/01/2025 08:20

Sounds like it is needed really, though I wouldn't be keen as it puts you at a disadvantage. Look into childminders before making a decision.

Once they are in school you will still need childminders and/or wraparound care to cover school drop-off and pick-up whatever you are doing, and also for school holiday care. Otherwise you will both ust run out of annual leave for it.

Edited

You can find a holiday club in school holidays plus annual leave is meant for spending with your kids. There's also unpaid parental leave which is I think 2 weeks per child a year? So between them 8 weeks un paid leave available

GOODCAT · 29/01/2025 08:21

Can anyone else collect your child from nursery in a paid for capacity? As kids a neighbour collected us plus their own and then our parents collected us from there. I would be really reluctant to go part-time if you can help it. However do whatever works for your family.

kiraric · 29/01/2025 08:21

Soontobe60 · 29/01/2025 08:16

It’s not just about money though. It’s about time with the family, career progression for both and improved pension for the OP.

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Also if you're paid around 70k, dropping to 4.5 or 4 days a week doesn't reduce your take home pay by as much as you think because that bit is all higher rate taxed. I did it for a while in the nursery years in that salary and with two, given the saving in nursery costs, it didn't even really cost anything to drop the half day

Paganpentacle · 29/01/2025 08:21

Temporaryname158 · 29/01/2025 08:16

I would say absolutely not! If he ever left you (or you him, including death) you would be left with part time work and lower pension.

i would look at other ways you can carve out a better work life balance. A change to a new higher paid full time job, a nanny to prevent childcare pick up issues, a cleaner so you aren’t doing housework in the evening.

at the end of the day though his man job isn’t the most important thing in this family just because he earns more. You and your job are important too and not just there to facilitate him. He wanted a family too and automatically suggesting it’s him that doesn’t have to change their role but you do wouldn’t sit well with me

100% this.
The main thing a woman can do is to be able to support herself and her children.
Time and time again I see on here women left with no ability to leave, support themselves or do anything really. It will affect your pension in the long run too.
No way would I have ever considered going part time.
I've drilled it into my daughter.... even in a relationship- be able to support yourself.

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 29/01/2025 08:21

HipToTheHopDontStop · 29/01/2025 08:14

He's the main source of income. Why would he?

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He is not more important just because he earns more and has a penis. OP has laid out that they are okay financially.

NewHeaven · 29/01/2025 08:20

Can you get s childminder for the nursery/ school pick ups? I'd find a way to make working full te work. Is there someone near by who'd do the pick ups and keep the kids for an hour for some extra money? Or a nursery SAH parent who'd welcome extra cash.

Topseyt123 · 29/01/2025 08:20

Sounds like it is needed really, though I wouldn't be keen as it puts you at a disadvantage. Look into childminders before making a decision.

Once they are in school you will still need childminders and/or wraparound care to cover school drop-off and pick-up whatever you are doing, and also for school holiday care. Otherwise you will both ust run out of annual leave for it.

SantanaBinLorry · 29/01/2025 08:20

Do it! If...
Your husband will top up your pension whilst you are part time. AND he considers a flexible working/condensed hours request with his work. It's about quality family time right?
His response to these two requests will tell you if its worth it.

Naunet · 29/01/2025 08:19

I think you'd be mad to personally, I dont know why women are so keen to throw away their independence and earning potential, you never know what will happen fomorrow. If you do though, it should be on the conditon he pays into a pension for you. Also discuss first how your access to finances work, and his expectations of what he would still be doing, or does he think he'll just have to work and everything else is yours to deal with?

kiraric · 29/01/2025 08:18

Is it really affecting his work, do you think or is it just inconvenient?

It also sort of sounds like (but I maybe misunderstood) by default you try to pick up every day and then last minute get him to cover if you can't - and I wonder if it might be better just to have a schedule you both stick to so it's not last minute for him

How doable is part time in your role? I think the other thing to consider is that there's a huge range of part time - 4 days a week won't affect your pension nearly as much as 1-2 days a week

Our (very standard state primary) does wraparound 7:30-6:30 so school won't necessarily get harder btw - it's worth looking at what schools around you offer.