DH wants me to go part time at work …

I think there will be a societal aspect. As it is socially acceptable for men to abandon DC. But most of us will encounter men that are fully capable of going to court but too lazy to go to, and most of us don't encounter women like that so I think it is mostly biological.

If you look at how many fathers choose not to see or see little of their kids after divorce compared to how much access mothers have to their DC that would show you that mothers tend to care more about spending time with their DC than fathers do in general.

How much do you think that is due to biology compared to societal expectations around the roles of men and women in relation to childcare?

If you look at how many fathers choose not to see or see little of their kids after divorce compared to how much access mothers have to their DC that would show you that mothers tend to care more about spending time with their DC than fathers do in general.

It seems biologically plausible that mothers want to spend time more time with their children than fathers do.

Does it?

Time with your children is precious and goes so fast...go part time but get husband to top up your pension until you're able to go back to full time. Life will be easier all round and the whole family will be less stressed.

See "Provider or father? British men’s work hours and work hour preferences after the birth of a child"

The data on women is from the ONS I think but it might take a bit of Googling.

Obviously it's impossible to say how much of this preference is innate vs social expectation but it's socially acceptable for women with children to work full-time now, so the social pressure will be less over time. It seems biologically plausible that mothers want to spend time more time with their children than fathers do.

I personally think it's a good idea for one parent to go part time if they are happy to do it. I have two primary age children and work school hours. Prior to having children we discussed this and I wanted to be part time and was able to do this without moving jobs. My husband also works away in his current job meaning he earns a lot of flexi time which he takes over the holidays.

Most families of parents who work out of the home have one parent part time or a grandparent doing loads of childcare at my school. Working school hours is the best thing I ever did- being able to pick up, take them to activities and spend those hours with the children.

I don't disagree that many women want to give up or go part time however I do believe that they are under an inordinate amount of pressure to do so. Many men simply won't step up and they know they will be pretty much 'doing it all'. I think often there's a shift during maternity leave and men take advantage.

The OP says they split the housework equally.

Well it depends how the money is going to be managed, doesn’t it? If all money is shared, go for it and top up your pension where you can.

Why are you doing everything? Isn't your time valuable too?

Your husband needs to do more domestic stuff. You both work full time. You are both working hard. Salary doesn't come into it.

Don't lose your pension!

is that so shocking to you that mothers quite like to spend time with their children?

Did I say they didn't?
Do you think dad's don't like spending time with their children?

is that so shocking to you that mothers quite like to spend time with their children?

Because 90% of the time it's the woman who wants to. It's disingenuous to pretend it's all the fault of the patriarchy. If you look at surveys of mothers and fathers, mothers (particularly of young children) show a strong preference for part-time work and fathers don't.

I'm sure that there are other important factors (the woman in a partnership tends to be younger than man and therefore earns less; women are primed to take time out of employment due to maternity leave), but a lot is due to preference.

Can you share this data? How much of this 'preference' is due to societal expectations and pressures?

Because not every job will let you go part-time. In some industries it's just not a thing. If you ever need to change jobs it's easier to find full-time work than part-time once you go over a certain level.

I knew one couple who both did part-time for a bit. They are now both back full-time

Honestly it sounds like you don’t love your job, financially it’s manageable and you will never have your children being young again….i’d go part time in a heartbeat with a plan to increase hours again in the future.

Because 90% of the time it's the woman who wants to. It's disingenuous to pretend it's all the fault of the patriarchy. If you look at surveys of mothers and fathers, mothers (particularly of young children) show a strong preference for part-time work and fathers don't.

I'm sure that there are other important factors (the woman in a partnership tends to be younger than man and therefore earns less; women are primed to take time out of employment due to maternity leave), but a lot is due to preference.

I go back to

1. your not happy with your job
2. your regulary stressed out and work is now affecting your personal life
3. your not happy that you aren't spending much time with your children

Chnage your job! Why are you staying in a job you don't enjoy. Why work fulltime in a job you don't enjoy isn't it worth sacrificed some work time to spend time with your children who make your life happier?

So what does a happy life look like for you? Is it less hours more time with kids and your pension and career progression not take a hit well something has to be a compromise. It might be your job meaning career progression takes a bit longer. It doesn't have to be your pension if OH pays into it.

Or a better job thatvyou enjoy, you have more flexibility...

Why r you wasting all that time on a job you don't like and stresses you out.

Exactly this. You never get these years back with your children. Anything could happen to us at any time and both working full time

So why don't they both go part-time? Why is it usually the woman?

Exactly this. You never get these years back with your children. Anything could happen to us at any time and both working full time when it's clearly burning you both out with young children for pension security is quite a gamble. Of course pensions are very important but if OP's DH will pay into hers then going part time is the obvious solution. Better work life balance for everyone - when kids start school there are so many events parents are invited to and whilst they aren't compulsory, seeing some of the kids' little faces when their parent hasn't come is very sad. I say that with no judgement against anyone who has to work full time or chooses to because it works for their family but going part time after my first was the best thing I did for our family.

Would the cost of two full time nursery places cover the costs of a day nanny so things aren't so rushed?

Thinking of pensions.
Realistically most of us will be late 60s before retirement.
If your lucky you'll have decent health to late 70s

That's 10 years if your lucky.
Why are those 10year more important than now?
Also by then you can downsize and give some money to you kids.

I made this switch and I don’t regret it. Dc has SN and it’s just easier for the entire family if there is a parent with more availability. I was actually the slightly higher earner at the time, but we were both well paid and mine was the only job that readily offered flexibility. We still pay the maximum allowed into my pension every year. There are some career frustrations, but nothing significant. I’m also in a rare unicorn job that would let me switch to full-time easily.

I've got a couple of lines from a song rattling around in my head "take care of these days, they may not last"

In the big picture your kids are only small for a short time, don't let those days disappear in a bundle of stress. And little quality time with them.
Yes make sure your protected in event of divorce, but marriage gives you a degree of protection anyway.
But nobody lies on their death bed wishing they'd got another promotion, or spent more time at work.

Retirement isn't a guarantee for any of us, we all hope to live to 90, but I woke to the message of a 50 something passing away with cancer today. Another just before Christmas.

You didn't have kids to have them raised by nurseries or hobbling together afterschool care.

'Take care of these days, they may not last'

Pensions are hugely important. As is work.

I am in my fifties. I have several groups of friends. You can’t tell whose adult kids went to nursery or not. All doing fine, with the predictable ups and downs of life.

But there is a big different with the mums. Those who kept working full-time and those who sacrificed their careers by giving up or working part-time. There is much regret and resentment. Esp by one friend getting divorced and another part-time mum whose husband’s city career has thrived whilst hers has floundered, and she is hit by regret and anger now.

Anyway, from the experience of me and some friends, the kids seemed to need us around much more doing the teen years than as babies! Something to think about perhaps..

I hope my kids retain their financial independence and don’t rely on a partner to fund them when they have children. Ofc it will be their choice, but they are already aware of the pitfalls.