I have been with my boyfriend just over a year. When we first got together, he had a female friend from the gym who he did not hide and was very open about. It is a gym that does group sessions and he often mentioned they paired up together as they had similar abilities or were on at a similar fitness level. I didn’t think much of this as it is a transformation gym and he is one of the few people that are noticeably unfit. I never had any concerns as he said she was married and I also have close male friends that are nothing more.
However soon into the relationship it came to light that the husband of said wife, was not comfortable with my boyfriend and his wife’s relationship. He told me her response was “I have so many other male relationships so I don’t understand why he is so bother about this, he will have to get over it. You watch he will come back with his tail between his legs”. I soon realised it wasn’t just that they went to the gym together, they messaged from morning to night on social media, sending memes and photos to each other. And sometimes after the gym I would go for coffee together. Although my partners messages to me didn’t ring any alarm, I did feel slightly uncomfortable about the level of messaging, and I know it sounds crazy but that a married woman was messaging to ask for his opinion on how she should get her nails done. He had also told me openly that people at the guy for “some reason” suspect there is something going on between them.
To me, I thought for someone to disregard their husbands views was massively disrespectful to their marriage. So I calmly said to him that I can see why the husband feels uncomfortable and if it was the other way around and we were married and I met someone at the gym and all of a sudden are talking all the time and disregarding his views on it how would he feel. And by continuing after the husband had explained he wasn’t happy about it, he also was disrespecting the husbands feelings. I think he was a bit taken back at my response but then also agreed that he’s mentioned it to his friends in the pub, who had also said they wouldn’t be happy if that was their wife’s either.
Anyway long story short but it continued for a few months but then I myself started to feel uncomfortable about it, my partner goes to the gym everyday but Sunday and her name would come up on most days. A few things had happened such as I’d asked if he minded coming to spot me at the gym one of the days as I was staying with him and my gym schedule had completely changed as my gym and my gym partner lived so far away it made it difficult for me still to keep to this as I lived so far away. He was really reluctant to do so, as he said he was tired after work and the gym so I said fair enough but a few weeks later he came in jumping with joy that the gym had put on extra sessions so he was going to start doing some doubles… low and behold so was she. I was upset by it as I thought he would find the time to help me out if he cared. It may be unreasonable of me because they were friends before we got together but I did say the whole thing really made me feel uneasy and female intuition made me feel as though there was just something more too it. When I had raised that I too felt uncomfortable he would say things such as “I’m not just going to stop messaging my friend” “she’s a big part of my life”. I again just said calmly and due to past relationship experiences, that it was early on for us and if he didn’t understand why it’s making me feel uncomfortable maybe it’s best we part ways and no hard feelings as to me it was starting to become an issue in our relationship and quite honestly I wanted a relationship I felt calm and secure in.
He then said he doesn’t want our relationship to send so will tell her equally as her husband isn’t comfortable with it that they need to chill out on the messaging. He sent the message to her and she said “that’s fine”. I will add on the most part my boyfriend did reduce contact on his part, when he was on holiday they didn’t really message but after a few weeks and her continuing to message it ramped up again… she went on holiday with said husband and would be messaging my boyfriend as soon as she woke up… but at this point my boyfriend began to lie about the messages and the frequency. It then became a bigger issue as I’d found out he was lying and he said he’s done what he can and they don’t message as much anymore but then it came to light he had started deleting messages between them. And that is when I waved my flag and said I didn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who not only lie to me but also delete messages, it really broke a lot of trust between us which I vocalised. He apologised and swore it wouldn’t happen again and stupid me believed it. A few weeks after we had to go to a gym social all together and I didn’t want to be rude or hostile so I just remained friendly to everyone including the girl. We got home at the early hours of the morning and he messaged her to tell her we were home and that he’d had a good night and was so glad we had met. However following this, he began to mention her again ALOT, I was made redundant and was pretty stressed out about it but when I got home the first conversation he bought before asking if I was okay and what I as going on with was about the gym and her and I just felt like a complete idiot that had overlooked something that was never going to end. He said it was because at the gym I’d be friendly with her he’d got confused and thought everything was okay. Anyway long story short, and some deleted messages they had removed eachother from instagram and he said that he would cut contact with her going forward. He said she was no longer going to his sessions and that they no longer talk 1-1, they all have the same friendship group so talk when they are all together at events which I had no issue with. Anyway fast forward a couple of weeks and professional images came out from the gym and their gym event, low and behold there were images of the two of them training together and both in conversation (nobody else around). I raised this with him and he said it was a group discussion it just looks like it’s the two of them… anyway at this point I just felt like a complete idiot, he had a gym social and I said I was going to come as I didn’t want to end up in an issue (after they had “no contact” she would often come up to me at gym socials or get drunk and be all over my partner). We had argued about the social as the trust just was not there at all, he said I was being unreasonable because they don’t talk at all and the morning after there were photos on his phone of him her and somebody else.
I messaged the woman to ask what was going on as I clearly wasn’t getting the truth and she said it’s a misunderstanding on her part, she didn’t know contact was stopping completely.
I cannot get over the web of lies and it’s caused a HUGE wedge between me and my partner and a lot of resentment my end. Part of me feels like I’m being unfair, just need other opinions.
edit: moved to AIBU thread