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Original poster

Why is he not in school

205 replies

Jackanorystory1 · 28/01/2025 23:15

Cousin has an autistic (non verbal) son. He went to childcare 1 day a week whilst she worked and has now stopped. They mainly stay home each day.
Dad is not in the scene at all. They live in a high rise so have no garden. DS will be 5 in March and he has not yet started school so has no friends and no one to play with. She doesn't take him to any groups so he is with her all day every day.
6 months ago she had another baby. DD from the same man as DS1.
DS1 has not yet started school and when I asked her why she claimed that he didn't have a place. Now I'm under the impression that all children receive a school place.
This must be harming the child by keeping him at home all day and not mixing.
Is it not against the law to keep your child at home.
I really do not know what to do. I would like to ask her what is going on but she tends to fly off the handle so quickly. Aibu to think that this is harming her child.

OP posts:
MumChp · 29/01/2025 00:16

Jackanorystory1 · 29/01/2025 00:15

@Seaside31 I couldn't contact them as they may remove them from her. They are healthy and fed and loved with no danger present. She does not drink smoke do drugs or have anyone around them like that. Those were not my concerns.

If your only concern is school educate yourself how hard a placement is to come by for a sen child.

Gagaandgag · 29/01/2025 00:16

How do you know she doesn’t take him out or go to groups?

Original poster
Jackanorystory1 · 29/01/2025 00:15

@Seaside31 I couldn't contact them as they may remove them from her. They are healthy and fed and loved with no danger present. She does not drink smoke do drugs or have anyone around them like that. Those were not my concerns.

OP posts:
Anonforthis58 · 29/01/2025 00:14

Jackanorystory1 · 28/01/2025 23:43

She hasn't tried as she is a germaphobe and doesn't take him anywhere. He's never been to a supermarket, leisure centre, cinema, shopping centre.

Show quote history

You have no idea OP! Stop being so judgmental! And for the record - her non verbal autistic child would likely HATE all the things you’ve mentioned here and would likely not cope at all!

MumChp · 29/01/2025 00:13

Jackanorystory1 · 29/01/2025 00:10

@surreygirl1987 and why should I??? My children are not Send. My cousin wouldn't have either if her child wasn't born autistic.

What was the point of your message.

Good for you but you appear ignorant and judgmental when you talk about school placement and excursions to the supermsrket and cinema that many of these children have no pleasure in.

I don't think you mean any harm but parents with sen children are fed up with this approach.

TaggieO · 29/01/2025 00:13

If he’s non- verbal and autistic then he’d need to attend a specialist setting ideally, which is rarer than hen’s teeth and simply may not have got a place.

Original poster
Jackanorystory1 · 29/01/2025 00:12

@BeaAndBen so one person is telling me to help her or to offer to babysit and then you are saying how could she leave him with me. I am not a stranger. I never said I was. I see him once a fortnight and actually get in well with him and play with him. So don't judge.

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 29/01/2025 00:11

So she's just had another baby by the same father as her son's but he's not seen the kids at all? So he isn't involved in the son's life, dips back in and gets her pregnant and goes off again?

I hope she's being supported by a health visitor? That sounds like a shit show.

You don't really sound very supportive though op. You just sound like you want to put the boot in!

Icedlatteplease · 29/01/2025 00:11

Jackanorystory1 · 29/01/2025 00:04

@YoungGunsHavingSomeFunCrazyLadiesKeepEmOnTheRun
Shopping done online. Never been in a supermarket.

I am not judging. I do not understand. I have tried to help her. I have offered to look after children to give her a few hours to herself but she would not. I do not know of any way to help her.

You will not be able to straight off. You start by parallel activities (something of interest to him but not expecting him to join in), you go as close to his place of comfort you can get but that still allows him to forget you are there. You do that regularly until eventually he choses to communicate, in whatever way works for him.

It is not as simple as "leave him with me we'll be fine". When your clueless you have to learn what you are dealing with first

HopelessHouseMaid · 29/01/2025 00:10

Sen schools are extremely difficult to get a place in. Many parents choose not to send there autistic/non verbal children to mainstream schools and instead they battle for a place at a sen school. Many autistic children do not like any of the places you have mentioned. They are loud and overstimulating. If mum is not saying she needs help and the children are well cared for then it’s no one’s concern but the child’s mother.

Original poster
Jackanorystory1 · 29/01/2025 00:10

@surreygirl1987 and why should I??? My children are not Send. My cousin wouldn't have either if her child wasn't born autistic.

What was the point of your message.

OP posts:
Seaside31 · 29/01/2025 00:09

If you were genuinely concerned for their welfare - either hers or the children, then surely you would have contacted someone by now 🙄
In your situation, if I had genuine concerns about a family then I would contact Social Services and give them the information. They would be able to do a welfare check and I believe they would be able to check that the family are receiving all the help that they need in terms of school provisions etc

YoungGunsHavingSomeFunCrazyLadiesKeepEmOnTheRun · 29/01/2025 00:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BeaAndBen · 29/01/2025 00:08

I have offered to look after children to give her a few hours to herself but she would not.

He's a non verbal autistic child whose needs you have absolutely no idea about, and you are a stranger to him who lived at a distance. How could she possibly leave him with you?

surreygirl1987 · 29/01/2025 00:07

Jackanorystory1 · 28/01/2025 23:42

I do not know anything about sen children, so this is all new to me. So what will happen if a school cannot be found. Does he just stay at home forever?

Obviously.

YoungGunsHavingSomeFunCrazyLadiesKeepEmOnTheRun · 29/01/2025 00:07

Jackanorystory1 · 29/01/2025 00:04

@YoungGunsHavingSomeFunCrazyLadiesKeepEmOnTheRun
Shopping done online. Never been in a supermarket.

I am not judging. I do not understand. I have tried to help her. I have offered to look after children to give her a few hours to herself but she would not. I do not know of any way to help her.

You are judging her though.

Her son probably wouldn't want to be looked after by you. My dd is 14 now and I can't really have people over to the house because its her safe space and she doesn't deal well with it being invaded. A couple of hours of being babysat isn't worth it for the potential days of meltdowns and insecurity.

Do you honestly think she's deliberately trying to make life harder for herself?

Original poster
Jackanorystory1 · 29/01/2025 00:07

@Skipthisbit

Thank you.

OP posts:
MumChp · 29/01/2025 00:07

Jackanorystory1 · 29/01/2025 00:04

@YoungGunsHavingSomeFunCrazyLadiesKeepEmOnTheRun
Shopping done online. Never been in a supermarket.

I am not judging. I do not understand. I have tried to help her. I have offered to look after children to give her a few hours to herself but she would not. I do not know of any way to help her.

Why is it important for a autistic non verbal child to visit a supermarket?

Then don't help her just repect her.

Skipthisbit · 29/01/2025 00:06

Ffs … child dies from neglect or abuse and MN is full of how did it happen, what about family, why did no one do anything.
Poster asks advice about if it’s normal not to have a school place and the reaction is non of your business, stay out of it etc

Children with SEND are exponentially more likely to suffer abuse or neglect either deliberately or because parent(s) can’t cope.

But yeh just stay out of it, say nothing and don’t question anything 🙄

Icedlatteplease · 29/01/2025 00:05

Jackanorystory1 · 29/01/2025 00:00

@Icedlatteplease
No break she is on her own. Parents in another country. No partner. Dad not around at all. No siblings. I've tried to talk to her about her situation and she just changes the subject.

Have you offered to babysit while she goes out once in a while?

Tbf you would gave to work hard to understand his needs and earn his trust.

It's the singular thing most parent carers need

Original poster
Jackanorystory1 · 29/01/2025 00:05

@YoungGunsHavingSomeFunCrazyLadiesKeepEmOnTheRun yes she did.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jackanorystory1 · 29/01/2025 00:04

@YoungGunsHavingSomeFunCrazyLadiesKeepEmOnTheRun
Shopping done online. Never been in a supermarket.

I am not judging. I do not understand. I have tried to help her. I have offered to look after children to give her a few hours to herself but she would not. I do not know of any way to help her.

OP posts:
MumChp · 29/01/2025 00:04

If she doesn't want to talk to you it's her choice.
It can be hard work to explain a sen child's needs and lack of support from society to people without knowlegde and experience with sen.

Theunamedcat · 29/01/2025 00:04

Took a couple of years for my son to get a sen school place he was fortunate to be in an accessible mainstream however after year six he had no school place at all he finally got one October it was a long drawn out process they rejected placements I rejected placements they tried pushing unsuitable places at me telling me I "had" to accept them I threatened them with tribunal we were with the mediators several times stage two complaints the MP was involved and my child is legally entitled to an education I had to fight my ass off for his legal right to an education!

And the worst part is I'm not alone

YoungGunsHavingSomeFunCrazyLadiesKeepEmOnTheRun · 29/01/2025 00:02

Jackanorystory1 · 29/01/2025 00:00

@Icedlatteplease
No break she is on her own. Parents in another country. No partner. Dad not around at all. No siblings. I've tried to talk to her about her situation and she just changes the subject.

Did she have a home birth 6 months ago then?

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