To tell her who stole it

She doesn't really need to explain that to you , does she .

What's so funny?

You still haven't explained why you thought it was a good idea to 'blend' in the first place...

How do they generally get on op? I Think that's important . Does sd have form for stealing ? . Of course you can't lie to her , that's a ridiculous suggestion, DH must have had a brain fart . I'd be pissed off and of course your dd will be but isn't this a pretty typical situation with teenagers ? Try and find out why, does she feel like the poor relation? Jealous ? There may be some deep seated issues but it could also be she just wanted it. Was it make up? Il bet it was. Bollock her, " disappointed , betrayed , lost our trust blah the usual , make her apologise , get your dd a lock for her bedroom . Perhaps no need for any massive over reactions . With my family and friends if your sister nicked your stuff you'd just get it back and hit her with a hairbrush. No one would be off for counselling or therapy .

@RatInADollhouse it’s not a joke to steal from other people, family or not. The grown up normal thing would be to ask if you want something.

OP I’d say to your DP that he must tell your daughter what has happened, that the gifts must be returned and then you will work on an open and honest relationship moving forwards. You can’t build anything on a lie.

I would be honest with your daughter!

Yeah but how are they going to return the stuff to the dd?

I'd be tempted not to tell either - much easier for the parents. But the reality is the dd probably already suspects her step sister has taken the stuff - like who else would have?

If you want this family set up to work, OP, I think you all have a lot of work to do. Starting with why your dh and his ex seem so chill about their teen stealing.

Really? As a child/young teen my emotional needs were fine but I used to occasionally help myself to things like a pair of socks, CD, or lip gloss from my sister. It was just because I wanted the stuff. A lot of times I had one of my own but I had lost or broken it. I pretty much always got caught and punished but sometimes I couldn't resist 🤷🏻‍♀️. Now we are adults and my kleptomania is a running joke in our family.

Of course don't tell her. This is a discipline/emotional issue with the other child. It's not appropriate to tell your DD. Obviously her dad and you possibly too need to deal with this with the Step D and her mum. This is for adults, not kids.

If you tell your DD, you'll really tarnish the relationship. Don't do it. To what end? No.

I have a question for your DP - how on earth was he planning to explain the re-emergence of the stolen stuff to your DD without admitting his daughter stole it?

Did he think she'd believe she misplaced it? That she's somehow unboxed her brand new stuff and mentally blanked out doing it, then lost it? I mean, she's 13, not a toddler.

She knows things don't just vanish then reappear in a different condition from when they went - what on earth is he thinking?

Because it seem to me a - frankly childish - knee-jerk responses of "don't tell because your DD will be angry at mine" rather than a rational approach by an adult.

If he can't respect your relationship with your DD and the crucial need for her to have faith in you, he's not much of a parent.

@SuperLiliac your DP needs to ask his DD why. He needs to get her to bring them back and apologise to her sister. You don’t need to be involved beyond asking him to do this, unless he won’t. You and he can then talk with her about why this happened. Obviously an insecurity. But you’re right; you can’t keep this from your DD.

My sister did have to point out to her ex about the unhappiness, he's lovely, and we all still get on, had Xmas fizz together with Sis's DP and his wife, but he just hadn't realised why she was sad. One on one time helped sort it. As blended families go they're good now. But it took work. And you have two girls at tricky hormonal ages.

This used to happen with my things when our families blended. I knew my step sibling had taken them so different to your situation. My parent knew what had happened too, but nothing was done so as not to rock the boat. It bothered me most that my parent didn’t support me and help me keep my things safe going forward.

Your other half needs to step up and admit it is their daughter that is the thief.

I would allow 12 hours max for this to be done, before I would do it myself.

Your priority ought to be your daughter, not your other half.

I agree that SD is probably struggling with her dad living with another family. He needs to spend a lot of one on one time with his daughter and work on their relationship.

Thing is, he’s effectively asking you to lie (albeit by omission) to your own dd. I am sorry but that would, as they say nowadays, give me the ick.

How long have you been living together? She may be jealous that your daughter lives with HER dad 100%, I know my eldest niece was when her dad moved his now wife (who is lovely and adores the girls) in, and the new stepbrother lived with her dad all the time and was even parachuted into her class at school. It got better when they moved to different secondary schools, and is fine now, he's a good kid, but i could see why she felt how she did. The younger one was less fussed, but then she still had her own space at school and is a different character.

You couldn't really blame her if she never believed a word you said in future if she did find out you kept quiet.

All yous adults are doing is covering for his DD and in a round about way giving her the nod that it was alright and there's no consequences to be had..

Would your other half be happy to keep quiet if your DD stole from his DD or even stole things from him?

The items have to be returned and your stepdaughter is going to have to apologize. No excuses.

Your husband wants you to lie to your daughter to spare his daughter embarrassment over stealing your daughter's gifts. Both he and his daughter have a lot of nerve.

Shit's going to hit the fan. But you can't put his daughter above yours.

Your daughter now needs a lock for her door. Your husband might have to check his daughter's bag when she leaves. Things are going to be tense between them.

Glad to hear your husband will talk to his daughter to resolve this. At 14 she needs to be clearly told that stealing is wrong and to give the gifts back.
Rather than give her a get out clause of, "are you feeling sad", separately start conversations about ideas for future days out, ask all DCs to contribute, see if she feels included.

Read the signals
The relationship between you and dp, that’s irredeemably broken
He lies,His daughter lies. His priorities aren’t you, he wants you to collude and lie
Honestly, call it quits, protect you and your daughter. Time to split up with him

I am team daughter. Do you think the girls would prefer it if you lived separately?

Your relationship with your dd is more important than her relationship with her step sister. Your DH needs to say in no uncertain terms that she was wrong and she must return the stuff and come clean immediately, if not you will be telling her. If my mum/dad didn't tell me this about either of my step sisters I would be really hurt and feel they weren't on my side

Your daughter already knows who took the gifts. She's hardly going to think it was you or your boyfriend. I'd be very concerned that he's trying to push you into lying to your child to protect his.

The most important thing is that your child knows she can trust you and you have her back, especially in a house with those other two.