An enormous bone of contention (as it were).
Lost my libido after first baby, followed by a quote traumatic bereavement - previously sex had been out mainstay in the relationship as a way of bonding and reconciliation, so I definitely take responsibility for letting that slide and it did lead to a breakdown in our relationship from his side - but then again from my pov, the relationship took a battering from the early days of first baby when I felt incredibly uncared for and abandoned. He struggled a lot to adapt to parenthood, DESPISED the baby stage while I was utterly wrapped up in it. Looking back I think my expectations if us being equal parents were unrealistic, but there are some wounds from that time which have never healed because he is totally unwilling to discuss it as an issue, much less apologise. It was around this time the relationship really began to struggle. I imagine this is far from uncommon.
So anyway sex became infrequent because I fully bought into the feminist notion that I shouldn't have sex I wasn't enthusiastic about; I'm older and wiser now and know I should probably have kept it up, because now the dynamic is all fucked up - he got fed up asking and being turned down, I got fed up feeling pestered, and it all festered and blew up at regular intervals.
We had some good deep talks about it after things came to a head - this was the incident some years ago where we discussed separating, and he made it clear how big an issue the sex was for him and how unhappy it was making him, but felt he couldn't say so because he didn't want to be a creep, and now didn't feel comfortable initiating. I really wanted to acknowledge this, so made the effort to initiate a couple of times a week.
The discussion we'd had was that I didn't want sex because I didn't feel any intimacy, and he didn't feel any intimacy because we weren't having sex (classic stereotypical gendered paradigm) and so the theory was if I worked on the sex side the intimacy would come back. Well it didn't, and I can't say if that's because my expectations of intimacy are unrealistic or because I do feel the regular sex as an obligation and that somehow comes across to him. I've come to the conclusion that for him the sex is just maintenance - he feels sub par without it but getting it doesn't actually make him feel happier or more loved or more intimate, it just scratches a physical and/or psychological itch. And of course that makes me even less excited about initiating sex I don't want.
Sometimes it works out ok and we have a good time and I go to sleep feeling optimistic things might be on the mend; but generally speaking the physical intimacy just highlights the yawning cavern between us emotionally to me and leaves me feeling very hollow and lonely. And whether we have or we haven't, daylight hours are always the same - little meaningful or light-hearted conversation, lots of moaning about this or that that displeases him, and a general air of beleagueredness that makes me feel I'm trying for nothing. Making myself unhappy just to keep him ticking over.
Which all sounds very bleak but in the centre of all this is our kids - our gorgeous wonderful kids who we both adore. If we do have a conversation it's usually about them. We work together really effectively as a parenting team - I'm the heart and he's the head, so they get their artwork cooed over, their tears hugged away and their problems listened to but also always have the right books in their book bag, savings building up in the bank, a gift for their friend's birthday party and enough milk in the fridge. We've pretty much settled on a mutually acceptable parenting style and recognise each others strengths and buttressed each others weaknesses. It's been a journey but it's quite a well oiled machine now. I feel like the kids always know what to expect of each of us and are rarely disappointed.
Stability (even a rather imperfect stability) is not something I'd lightly thrown aside based on my own experiences. But I appreciate this will be prejudicing my view of how bad is bad enough to call it a day, and also that the deep thinking and on the one hand/on the other hand type thinking I do a lot of can also be a good tactic for delaying making any decisions and this avoiding "the blame" for any unintended consequences. My mother was much more of a "feel the feeling = do the thing" kind of person, and she ended up bloody miserable, so I try and be more measured. But I am aware this could end up having measured my whole life out and my kids will still be angry and upset and troubled by the upbringing I chose for them (as a number of posters here whose parents did stay the course "for them" are now).
Anyway it helps to talk it through. If I have a problem in my life it's that I have a very busy brain and a desperate desire to connect, and for some reason have chosen a life partner of very few words and limited interest in discussion. There must be a reason for that but it can't be a good one! My head feels like it's going to explode sometimes with all the words I have to choose not to say to avoid an argument/atmosphere.