To find what DC said really sad?

Less important than theirs. As simple as. I chose this situation, they didn't. So Every decision I make has to be with THEM in mind front and centre, not me.

So they tell me that and then I... what? withold them from him? Get taken to court? they are 4 and 8. So the youngest's perspective would not be taken into account for at least 6-7 years. Not to mention the total breakdown in co-parenting that would no doubt take place if I tried to withold his young daughters from him, accusations of parental alienation etc. Really, honestly, I have thought this all through every way and there is no easy answer.

That makes it sound like an equation and it simply isn't. Parental separation is in and of itself an ACE, quite apart from what the respective home lives are like subsequently. And if they have a difficult time at their fathers', it's not like that just switches off the second they walk through my door.

Well yes. I can. That's why I started the thread. But it's not like I can guarantee he will be magically happier without me, or that whatever lifestyle is conducive to his happiness will be conducive to theirs.

I know they will be loved and cared for. But I also know that he will get stressed out, frustrated, and for all I know angry - he doesn't expose this side of himself to them anymore because I have it as a hard boundary that if he does I will leave him. But if I actually did, then without the restraint of my disapproval I think he would not work so hard to control his temper as he doesn't see it as a 'big deal', that it's normal for people to get angry and shout. I think he finds my unwillingness to put up with it around the kids quite controlling and thinks that I am oversensitive to it. He also doesn't have any patience with their feelings, so their emotional needs would get neglected. Just as, when living with just me, they might frequently find they are out of clean school uniform because I forgot to do the laundry. I have my own view on which of those things are more important but mileage may vary.

The problem is two is not an option for me. He won't just evaporate into thin air and leave me with the children if we split. He is a very involved father and would want 50/50. So even with the best prevailing wind I could only offer them "a happy life without him" half the time.

On the day to day, between us, I'd say things are... functional. We are a bit like colleagues - we share this job of children and home and we divvy up the work accordingly and usually quite amicably. Where it falls down is if I get caught up in his grumbling - either trying to solve the problem for him or trying to get him to see it as not a problem - then we both get pretty frustrated pretty quick and the atmosphere can get very tense. So I try not to do that any more. I either try to let it wash over me or I sympathise briskly and then stop engaging with it. But it does chip away at me.

Evenings are a bit weird. Sometimes we do things together, sometimes apart. But I always get the feeling when he wants to be with me he is 'putting the time in' - a bit like I do i bed - it's something he knows is important to me, and he wants to do his bit, but takes no pleasure in it. So we'll watch TV together, but if I try to start a discussion about what we watched it falls flat - lots of one word answers or 'don't know'.

Weekends and holidays are built around the children. Holidays do tend to be a bit of a danger zone because he has so much less control of his time and environment so the number of things he gets annoyed about increases, and I tend to get irritated with it quicker because 'we're supposed to be enjoying ourselves'.

What's strange is I'm exactly the same way (feeling of being constantly on edge, of trying to achieve to get some kind of approval and not to rock the boat) and I have always very much put it down to that feeling of abandonment my parents separating left me with. But equally it could have been the bad relationship my dad and stepmum had when I was young (as we lived with him full time). And then my older sister wen through the same but has come out of it hard as nails, fiercely independent, with zero time for minding other people's delicate feelings and and absolute need to be in control. It's so hard to unpick these things. And to know which bad choice is the least bad.

One thing I am very alive to is that my children (whatever i do) will have their own perspective on the choices I made with their best interests at heart. And they will be entitled to their feelings, and quite possibly their resentment and anger. I want to make sure they always know I respect that, and don't ever give a martyred 'after all I've suffered for you' vibe in their adulthood. But they could end up being you, or me, whichever path I choose.

In terms of what first attracted me - well not to be shallow, but he is very beautiful. Unfortunately we got together in our very early 20s (university housemates turned lovers) - we were much better friends than we have ever been a couple, similar interests, liked the same books and bands, had similar hobbies. We were both on the rebound as our uni relationships ended about the same time; he was relatively inexperienced romantically and so i think would have gone for anyone willing, and I was young, fucked up and a bit rudderless and lost after uni ended and desperate for love (my dodgy background coming out again, he was far from the only or the worst emotionally unavailable man I dated back in those days).

It was the sort of decision half-baked, damaged 20 year olds make, i.e. not a wise one; but somehow it stuck. Life starts - jobs, flats, friendship groups, trying to make enough money to live on, bereavements, accidents, family drama - it's all a bit scary and real and I guess we clung on to each other in the storm. We were actually reasonably settled when we decided to have a baby, having learned each others' boundaries and ways a bit, but then that blew us to bits.

If we met today, there's not a chance in hell we'd get together. But then we wouldn't be who we are now if we met now, because after almost 20 years (formative years really, the whole of early adulthood ) - we've influenced each other and built ourselves around the fact of our relationship. He's shaped me and I've shaped him. I love him because of course I do. It's like you love your family, not because of who they are but because of what they are.