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Original poster

To find what DC said really sad?

266 replies

Haemagoblin · 28/01/2025 21:37

I was parking the car with my DD8 in the back, and making a bit of a hash of it. I laughed to DD "God I hope Daddy's not looking out the window, he'll be laughing at me!"

She replied "he wouldn't laugh - he doesn't even smile very much".

I find this so so sad. I mean she's not wrong, he's a bit of a gloomy person; but he does try to be a good dad, playfights with them and teases them and makes jokes,so I guess I didn't realise how much his naturally quite negative vibe was actually being picked up on by the children.

Should I talk to him about it? We are not in a very good place so I worry he'll see it as me getting at him - but if my kid had said something like that about me I'd want to know!

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Original poster
Haemagoblin · 29/01/2025 10:01

Inthedeep · 29/01/2025 09:48

Also out of curiosity what was his childhood like? His relationship with his parents and his parent’s relationship with each other?

As far as I can tell, a reasonably calm and prosperous family life with but with very low emotional engagement. He always says he doesn't really remember much of his childhood. Busy working-class-done-good father, SAHM, private school. As a family they are all very brisk and no-nonsense and hard-working, and don't talk about their feelings at all ever.

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ItGhoul · 29/01/2025 10:01

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 28/01/2025 21:43

Our sole purpose in life isn’t to keep men happy you know. He needs to look at himself and try and appear a little more up beat if even an 8 year old notices.

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Well, his sole purpose in life isn't to keep women happy, either. He might be desperately unhappy or depressed. If a man told me to 'try and appear a little more upbeat' when I was bleakly unhappy, I'd tell to fuck off into oblivion.

Original poster
Haemagoblin · 29/01/2025 09:51

Bestfootforward11 · 29/01/2025 09:49

This is so interesting because my sister came out as the hard as nails and need to control one.
It’s so so difficult with no clear answer and it sounds like you are thinking things through very carefully with the best interests of your children at heart. You sound a brilliant mum and I wish you all the best.

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Clearly you and I just grabbed the "emotional insecurity" short straw 😂 solidarity! Is she the older sister by any chance? I think it makes a difference...

Thank you so much for your kind words. I really am doing my best for them. And if and when they want to have their say on that, I will be ready to listen.

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BeQuirkyBalonz · 29/01/2025 09:50

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Original poster
Haemagoblin · 29/01/2025 09:49

MrsSunshine2b · 29/01/2025 09:46

I wouldn't read too deeply into it. Kids make observations based on how they feel at the time and don't necessarily attach the emotions an adult would. Maybe he's just not very smiley as a person, she didn't say that was a bad thing.

There is always this to bear in mind too. I'm a massive overthinker, whereas my DD is certainly of a more practical bent, so she may have just been saying exactly what she's seeing rather than expressing some deep underlying concern. I do need to be wary of painting my own emotional overwroughtness onto her.

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Bestfootforward11 · 29/01/2025 09:49

Haemagoblin · 29/01/2025 08:58

What's strange is I'm exactly the same way (feeling of being constantly on edge, of trying to achieve to get some kind of approval and not to rock the boat) and I have always very much put it down to that feeling of abandonment my parents separating left me with. But equally it could have been the bad relationship my dad and stepmum had when I was young (as we lived with him full time). And then my older sister wen through the same but has come out of it hard as nails, fiercely independent, with zero time for minding other people's delicate feelings and and absolute need to be in control. It's so hard to unpick these things. And to know which bad choice is the least bad.

One thing I am very alive to is that my children (whatever i do) will have their own perspective on the choices I made with their best interests at heart. And they will be entitled to their feelings, and quite possibly their resentment and anger. I want to make sure they always know I respect that, and don't ever give a martyred 'after all I've suffered for you' vibe in their adulthood. But they could end up being you, or me, whichever path I choose.

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This is so interesting because my sister came out as the hard as nails and need to control one.
It’s so so difficult with no clear answer and it sounds like you are thinking things through very carefully with the best interests of your children at heart. You sound a brilliant mum and I wish you all the best.

Inthedeep · 29/01/2025 09:48

Also out of curiosity what was his childhood like? His relationship with his parents and his parent’s relationship with each other?

MrsSunshine2b · 29/01/2025 09:46

I wouldn't read too deeply into it. Kids make observations based on how they feel at the time and don't necessarily attach the emotions an adult would. Maybe he's just not very smiley as a person, she didn't say that was a bad thing.

Inthedeep · 29/01/2025 09:45

Haemagoblin · 29/01/2025 09:37

I've never asked because I know how it would go. I would talk, a lot, as I have here, and he would say nothing at all. It's not that he won't, he literally can't. He has no language for describing his interiority. Every conversation we've ever had about our relationship I have had to do SO much legwork and scaffolding and going out on a limb to get anything out of him about how he feels and what he wants. He PASSIONATELY hates the whole thing. It's been necessary, sometimes, to get us out of deadlock, but it is so painful for me and utterly miserable for him. The idea of doing that in front of a stranger? He would just shut down. 100%.

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That makes perfect sense, I can understand why you haven’t under the circumstances.

Do you think he wants to be with you or would he rather the relationship ended?

Have you tried writing to him? If you think he wants to be in a relationship with you still and talking isn’t working, you need to lay your cards on the table somehow. I imagine he shuts down and doesn’t really listen when you speak so having it written in black and white might work. You can even say you don’t expect a response from him, however you need him to understand how this is affecting you and how it’s starting to affect the children. He’ll feel defensive at first but maybe he’ll revisit the letter and look at it again once he’s calmer and just maybe take some of it onboard.

Original poster
Haemagoblin · 29/01/2025 09:41

BingoDingoDog · 29/01/2025 09:35

You sound so insightful OP and you seem to have a clear understanding of your situation.

Are you really sure you can't find a way to repair the relationship. You are an intelligent woman so I don't believe you would have had kids with someone you didn't want to.

A previous poster mentioned date nights and was mocked for it but I actually don't think it a bad idea. Wouldn't it be good to find a way to try and connect with your husband again. You both sound uptight and sound up at the moment. You both need to see if there is any love left in your relationship. I wouldn't go on 'date nights' as they are too full on but I'd look to do things which fall into the adult version of 'parallel play'. So hanging out together and having fun but not too much interaction. A playful sport like badminton or going to see a movie or a comedy night. Make the activities short and sweet but get back into the habit of enjoying doing things together. If you really don't think you want to leave then maybe, if you can afford it, this would be worth a try.

Are there any other practical things that might make life easier for the both of you?

I really love this concept of 'parallel play'; it explains so much about how we used to enjoy ourselves as a couple - going to gigs, shows, and throwing parties, reading together, watching TV. A lot of that goes when you have kids, of course. And what I have always missed is what I really love best - deep, meaningful conversation. Which I think 'date nights' sort of set you up for which is why they feel so high pressure for us - at last, time alone to talk! ... And he has nothing to say to me, nothing to ask. It really highlights the cavern between us. Whereas this year we managed to go out to no less than TWO concerts together (no mean feat and OMG the COST of babysitting) but after both of those we were in a really good place. Fantastic vibe and actually great sex now I think about it. But it doesn't last.

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IdrisElbow · 29/01/2025 09:37

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Mrsdyna · 29/01/2025 09:37

It sounds like you're not ready to give up just yet but you do seem resigned that you and him can't have a loving marriage. So my suggestion is to be open to getting back to being a loving couple.
For instance, have you looked into attachment styles? There could be something there. Somatic therapy for his low mood? Again, there could be something there.
Wishing your family the best!

Original poster
Haemagoblin · 29/01/2025 09:37

Inthedeep · 29/01/2025 09:33

I understand he probably wouldn’t be willing to try individual counselling at the moment from the way you describe him but would he consider couples therapy?

I've never asked because I know how it would go. I would talk, a lot, as I have here, and he would say nothing at all. It's not that he won't, he literally can't. He has no language for describing his interiority. Every conversation we've ever had about our relationship I have had to do SO much legwork and scaffolding and going out on a limb to get anything out of him about how he feels and what he wants. He PASSIONATELY hates the whole thing. It's been necessary, sometimes, to get us out of deadlock, but it is so painful for me and utterly miserable for him. The idea of doing that in front of a stranger? He would just shut down. 100%.

OP posts:
BingoDingoDog · 29/01/2025 09:35

You sound so insightful OP and you seem to have a clear understanding of your situation.

Are you really sure you can't find a way to repair the relationship. You are an intelligent woman so I don't believe you would have had kids with someone you didn't want to.

A previous poster mentioned date nights and was mocked for it but I actually don't think it a bad idea. Wouldn't it be good to find a way to try and connect with your husband again. You both sound uptight and sound up at the moment. You both need to see if there is any love left in your relationship. I wouldn't go on 'date nights' as they are too full on but I'd look to do things which fall into the adult version of 'parallel play'. So hanging out together and having fun but not too much interaction. A playful sport like badminton or going to see a movie or a comedy night. Make the activities short and sweet but get back into the habit of enjoying doing things together. If you really don't think you want to leave then maybe, if you can afford it, this would be worth a try.

Are there any other practical things that might make life easier for the both of you?

Inthedeep · 29/01/2025 09:33

I understand he probably wouldn’t be willing to try individual counselling at the moment from the way you describe him but would he consider couples therapy?

Original poster
Haemagoblin · 29/01/2025 09:33

Donkeyfromshrek · 29/01/2025 09:29

Reading your posts OP I can't help wondering whether there is some middle ground to be had, between splitting and staying in an unhappy relationship. How do you think your DH would respond to the idea of you living together more honestly?

What I mean is, could you separate amicably, and accept the relationship between you isn't meant to be, but continue living in the same house and coparenting until the DC are a lot older? This would obviously depend on whether you have enough space to have separate rooms, and whether you would both feel comfortable, but it strikes me that it might feel better than trying to flog the dead horse that is your relationship?

We have talked about this. He was not up for it.

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BeQuirkyBalonz · 29/01/2025 09:32

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Original poster
Haemagoblin · 29/01/2025 09:31

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Pretty much sums it up 😂

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Original poster
Haemagoblin · 29/01/2025 09:29

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It is. As i say, he's not a bad person or a bad father. In lots of ways I feel very sorry for him. If there's such a thing as a 'good enough mother', which we are all encouraged to accept as just that, good enough, instead of holding ourselves to unrealistic standards of perfection - he is a 'good enough father'. He provides, he shows up, he loves them, he shows affection, he takes care of their basic needs, he plays with them, he does his share (and more!) of the mental load and household chores. The problems, such as they are, aren't really about his parenting but about his own wellbeing/attitude.

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Donkeyfromshrek · 29/01/2025 09:29

Reading your posts OP I can't help wondering whether there is some middle ground to be had, between splitting and staying in an unhappy relationship. How do you think your DH would respond to the idea of you living together more honestly?

What I mean is, could you separate amicably, and accept the relationship between you isn't meant to be, but continue living in the same house and coparenting until the DC are a lot older? This would obviously depend on whether you have enough space to have separate rooms, and whether you would both feel comfortable, but it strikes me that it might feel better than trying to flog the dead horse that is your relationship?

BeQuirkyBalonz · 29/01/2025 09:28

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whatapalarva · 29/01/2025 09:28

TunipTheVegimal24 · 28/01/2025 23:28

Yes you could mention it to him. Kids do say a lot of whack stuff though, if your DD is happy and thriving herself, and her and her dad have a nice relationship, I wouldn't think that much into it. My 4yo asked the other day;

"Does everyone die?"
"Yes, everyone dies eventually. It's normal".
"Will I die?"
"Yes lovely, everyone does. You won't for a long time though [God willing and touch wood!!]. Are you worried about it?"
cheerfully "No, just interested!"

Five minutes later, he was talking about Batman.

Unless it becomes a big deal, I'd say to your DD something along the lines of "Yes, Daddy can be a bit gloomy, can't he? Everyone's different. But he loves us, and enjoys us, and there are lots of things he does enjoy. Some people just have grumpier faces, it's nothing to worry about". And leave it at that.

... and then tell him what she said

BeQuirkyBalonz · 29/01/2025 09:26

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BeQuirkyBalonz · 29/01/2025 09:25

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Original poster
Haemagoblin · 29/01/2025 09:24

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My parents did separate. My mum left, my dad got full custody, and then set up another dysfunctional home with my stepmum.

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