To find what DC said really sad?

Did you actually read the bit where the OP's parents did split up? It's not necessarily a panacea.

It's easy to shout advice and insults from the cheap seats. Not so easy to deal with complicated real life situations where sometimes there is no ideal path.

There are no guarantees in life and OP is clearly weighing her options very thoughtfully. Many people on this thread seem very certain of "the right answer" but life isn't that black and white and there are no crystal balls.

My own marriage dynamic sounds very similar to OP. In our case there are various ND diagnoses in the mix which both explains and complicates thing in various ways.

On thing I have come to appreciate is that DH and I are very different people with different strengths and our children come to us for help with different things. Mine are older - one in uni, one applying - but they tend to go to their dad for practical issues and me for emotional support. Together we are a stronger team for them than we would be apart.

Good luck OP, feel free to PM if helpful.

Adding to this, has he heard of Circles of Control?

Better 3 days than 7 days and a mother running round trying to deflect the misery and anger that they can see through. Living with always being on their guard that they set him off

Your child is already noticing the misery and is telling you she doesn’t like it

You don't think it would be even slightly irresponsible and manipulative to ask an 8 year old and a 4 year old "so are you happier when daddy's not around?"

I don’t think it is at all irresponsible to consider their feelings. I think you won’t ask how they feel when daddy isn’t here because you don’t want to listen to the answer because that would mean doing something about it.

So there's always something to be annoyed about - the fact it's raining, something in the house needing fixing, over the road's recycle bag had takeaway remnants in it so has been gutted by foxes and there's crap all over the street, traffic is looking bad on the app, his old job didn't pay enough, his new job doesn't let him work at home as much as his old job, etc etc

Have you noticed that nearly all of these things are nothing to do with him. He is just looking for a cause to justify his misery and you are buying into it

Try telling him that you should move abroad if the rain bothers him so much or fix stuff in the house, go and clear the burst bin bag up if it annoys him so much and to get up earlier and leave earlier if he wants to miss the traffic.

If he doesn’t like something then he either needs to do something about it or shut the f**k up and stop dwelling on it

Just to add Life isn’t perfect. If he is chasing perfection then he is a fool or just making excuses

So basically he is going to be miserable until the day he dies and as he gets older he is going to get more miserable.

Misery is infectious.

Will it be less complicated if your dc end up like him. Miserable until the day they die

If someone says they will put off being happy until they have achieved something then you know they aren’t a happy person and are never going to be a happy person .

The drive is a mask they wear instead of a smile

Why waste your one life trying hard to make someone happy when they aren’t and have never been a happy person

It’s like trying to change someone’s eye colour
It’s never going to happen

I don’t think you understand what that sort of misery is doing to all of you, both mentally and physically

Imagine all the time and freedom you would all have if you didn’t have to try.

I bet if he ever went away for a week for work etc the lightness in the house would be noticeable

Maybe book him a holiday/residential course just for him and see how you feel after he isn’t around for 7 days
And ask dc how they feel.

True, you will not be in control. But you only have very limited control anyway. Your husband's personality is what it is, and it affects your children whether you stay or go. You can't mitigate all the effects on your children either way.

Staying is also "suck it and see". Or rather, it's something you can re-evaluate as events happen and things change and time goes by, which is what I really meant.

Anyway I realise you weren't asking whether to stay or go. You were asking whether to speak to your DH and tell him what DD said. You also asked if it was sad, and yes, it is sad, and yes it's OK to share that sadness with your husband. I think it's less likely to sound like "getting at" him if you use a sad and reflective low tone (which is how you really feel!) and speak slowly, rather than (fake) casual minimising it or a sharp angry tone.

OP you are one of the most insightful posters I've ever seen on here. You have clearly thought this all through, weighed up the options, the pitfalls, and the known-unknowns. It's very impressive, and you're right that you can't just suck it and see.

It sounds like you might well be making the right call; this is his personality and he's going to be in your children's lives with his gloomy personality either at 50% of the time without you, or more but with you there to dilute it. Separation comes with loads of challenges, difficulties and unknowns, if things aren't bad together, why are those downsides worth it?

Are you really suggesting here that OP's partners moods are her responsibility?

I recognise the 'striving' thing. My DH is definitely more ambitious / more of a perfectionist than me - not only in a work context, but in terms of things like the house we live in and his own body (eg he paid to wear Invisalign braces and correct a small imperfection in his teeth which I personally wouldn't have bothered with). I am content, like OP and @TotHappy, with a lovely family and a nice house, I don't feel I need anything more than we already have. But I guess the difference is that I wouldn't describe my DH as grumpy or angry or joyless. I think you can strive for things without being negative and moany the whole time.

If it were me, I would stay for the childre if leaving would cause you more heartache. It sounds like it is bearable and your DH is bearable even if you aren't suited. Can you attend marriage counselling to see if you can improve communication. You could always leave when the children are 18.

Yes! I married him at 20, I'd been seeing him since I was 17. I didn't choose him in any meaningful sense, we just liked each other as friends (also met in student housing!) and enjoyed going to the pub together, chatting about music, bonding over bad films... we didn't know each other or ourselves. In retrospect I was desperate to feel loved and wanted and didn't even really consider if I wanted HIM. It didn't occur to me I'd have options... at 17!

I've found myself thinking I wish he was more like my dad, who I love dearly, but actually... my dad is entirely emotionally unavailable and was very shouty, stressed out and unhappy when I was young. He was very nurturing to us as in nothing was too much trouble but never with a smile, there was a lot of huffing and puffing. I was constantly trying to seek his approval, to raise a smile. My mum spent my whole childhood battling him to be seen and respected and so I suppose from the wife's perspective, my H is the same. Shit. This is like therapy on here!

My parents did stay together and perhaps you could say Mum won the battle. Whether because of all the almighty rows, or because we eventually grew up and moved out, or because he retired, my dad is a lot better now. He's gentler, seems happier, plans nice things for her.

She isn't much happier though and I think all those unhealed wounds he would never acknowledge are still there. Something for both of us to think about, perhaps. Like you, I haven't forgiven my H for not being there for me in pregnancy and post-partum when I needed him and I don't think I will unless he acknowledges that he let me down. It's that that makes me afraid to rely on him in old age.

I have to bookmark this thread because it resonates so strongly with me, OP. I don't think i have anything useful to add but I think I have a very similar situation to you. My children are 8 and 5 and a surprise nearly 2 year old.

My situation has got a lot worse and then more recently a little better since my third arrived. Perhaps it brought everything more into focus. I don't know if we'll manage to stay together but I agree with you that it will likely be better for the kids.
I really strongly relate to what you say about his 'striving' habit - I remember a conversation that explained a lot of things to me once with my H where he said that to him, happiness is like summiting a mountain - the satisfaction and sense of euphoria of having achieved it but then that's brief, and it's a struggle up to the next peak before another brief moment. Happiness isn't that at all to me - it's sitting in a warm room with my beloved children after a meal and smiling across at my husband because we're safe and everyone's well.
He couldn't understand me at all. My version of happiness is very achievable because its about contentment which with some luck is not hard to get hold of. I feel the same frustration as you because to me HE'S the one stealing happiness from our family by not smiling back at me in the metaphor above - he can only see the things we haven't got. I would hate his version of happiness (looks a lot like unhappiness to me!) But that striving, that dissatisfaction with his lot, seems to be what he actually wants.
We're fundamentally unsuited because I want a quiet life of small pleasures and living in the moment and he wants to push the envelope, try new things, feel challenged etc etc. He can't settle which is sad for me but so far, I have a life of sharing the small satisfactions with other people.