To find what DC said really sad?

I can only go by the single parents I know and they are the happiest women I know.

I really don’t think you know what it would be like to live in a household where you can be happy and free with no one dictating your mood or putting a downer on everyday

How many times when he starts moaning Gabe you put up your hand and said “Not listening. If you see something you don’t like then go fix it otherwise keep quiet unless you have something positive to say”

Have you counted the times you adjust your speech patterns or not saying something so you don’t set him off

Do you understand that your children have learned to do the same thing

You might find this thread useful:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5245372-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-14?page=4&reply=141796889

This is our dynamic exactly.

It has helped me to accept what is possible and what is not. For a long time I thought he could give me emotional support and chose not to. Now that I understand it's just not something he's capable of it has removed the resentment.

That doesn't mean it's not sad and lonely but I'm not beating my head against a brick wall.

When I need emotional support I go to my friends. As you say he's brilliant with practical support.

It's about compromises stemming from that initial choice of partner. And underneath it all there is love there.

Well, on the surface you can see the attraction, in fact you've described it well, because you each have some complementary abilities it "should" work. And you're each attracted to the person who can do the things you find difficult and fill the gap.

The problem is that it doesn't always make for a successful relationship in the long run. Because of couple dynamics, couples can end up polarising each other more. So that you might get more ADHD-ish because you're expecting him to do all the organisation side of life, while he might get more ASC-ish because you're doing all his emotional work for the kids. Neither of you have to push yourselves in those aspects because the other is picking up the slack. (Well that's an oversimplification but you see what I mean).

And the other risk is that in your different ways one of you really might not be able to meet the other one's needs. So that while you might be able to meet his needs for connection, and he meets your needs for someone to organise you, you have needs - really important needs for your own wellbeing - which he is never going to be able to meet.

Sorry I don't have answers. Just musing.

I was thinking there was an ASD (him) ADHD (you) sounding dynamic, a very common set up.

I agree to an extent- but what I mean is people are so quick to rush in and present divorce as THE solution (divorce= everything better) even though they also believe (as do I) that romantic choices on the other side of divorce are significantly more complicated and difficult, and perhaps a post divorce life won't be so straightforward after all.

I understand that there's a backlash to the long long looooong western tradition of staying in miserable marriages as a woman, which was only upended in around the 1980s and 1990s, and I think people don't want to be seen to say to women "just put up with it". But I also think in presenting divorce as a straightforward solution to a messy life, people undersell how complicated and imperfect (for many, not all) any outcome will be.

Life is too short up be living such a miserable life and making your kids suffer it too !

OK I know that diagnosing over the Internet is not always helpful. But I really relate to your marriage and im also staying for the benefit of children and our family connection while kids are young.
My husband is an undiagnosed autistic man and from certain things you've described I would look at neurodivergence as a possibility.
Unexperessive facial responses, not being.able to.tell whether he is enjoying himself. Moody, always needing to find control in his life (better job.etc) to be happy.
Just in terms of my relationship, understanding my partner was autistic has changed much of my own resentment and allowed me to help our communication more and realise that things I.found.upsetting are not something he has much control over.
It's not a fix but understanding someone's needs is so helpful when.navigating a family together.

It's also interesting that Mumsnet seems to run these two parallel conversations at all time:

1. If you're not 100% happy in your marriage you should leave you're doing a disservice to your children by staying.

2. If you're a single parent you shouldn't re-partner and especially not blend families while your children live at home, it's selfish, you're doing a disservice to your children by moving on.

I heard the saying "better being from a broken home than in one".

It’s hard to say. My mum always worked shifts so was always tired or in bed. My dad was a “proper Yorkshireman” so in the pub when he wasn’t at work or home for his dinner so we didn’t really see either of them very much.

No not really.

I grew up in a household like this and I would say that staying together just for the children is not doing them a favour. My parents never touched or showed affection to each other so I never learned to so relationships have always been very difficult.

Sorry OP I disagree with your decision making.

you have two lovely daughters, one of whom is old enough and astute enough to notice how grumpy your OH is.

the best example you can show your DC is to demonstrate that a woman’s/wifes/mothers life is worth something and everyone has the right to happiness. Empower their lives by giving them a choice (be with father or mother). They will get to an age very soon when that IS their choice.

you are using your own history as an exscuse not to split. You are also using his refusal as an exscuse. You do have agency here (more than your poor DC).

Use it. You come across as a pitiful 1950’s housewife and making lots of exscuse sir projecting a reality which isn’t there and unlikely to be aka a horrible step mum when it’s highly unlikely anyone would want marry him.

you are making out you are a martyr for your kids when in reality your kids are being ‘sacrificed for your weakness’. Sorry to tell you straight.

I grew up in SFH. High proportion now also. The world won’t end but at least 3 of you would be out of this miserable existence.

This fifty times over!!!!

I would pick my moment and gently say it to him, it may be making your DC unhappy to see their dad looking unhappy

I don’t think you are doing the right thing for your children or for yourself or for your husband by staying together. Where to start? Children do pick up what is happening even if they don’t understand it. Living in an unhappy household isn’t great for them. By staying together when you are not well suited you are denying both yourself and your husband the chance of a better life. You are also role modelling setting your own needs and wants aside for the sake of keeping a marriage together but it isn’t a healthy way to live long term or a good relationship model for your children. Splitting up will of course be hard and will probably be quite distressing for the children and yet in the longer term you will be a better parent by looking after yourself. My parents weren’t good for each other and I’ve often thought they would both have been happier if they had split up.