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AIBU?

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Original poster

To find what DC said really sad?

266 replies

Haemagoblin · 28/01/2025 21:37

I was parking the car with my DD8 in the back, and making a bit of a hash of it. I laughed to DD "God I hope Daddy's not looking out the window, he'll be laughing at me!"

She replied "he wouldn't laugh - he doesn't even smile very much".

I find this so so sad. I mean she's not wrong, he's a bit of a gloomy person; but he does try to be a good dad, playfights with them and teases them and makes jokes,so I guess I didn't realise how much his naturally quite negative vibe was actually being picked up on by the children.

Should I talk to him about it? We are not in a very good place so I worry he'll see it as me getting at him - but if my kid had said something like that about me I'd want to know!

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 28/01/2025 22:53

Tell him what she said. See what he does with that information.
That'll tell you all you need to know.

Apileofballyhoo · 28/01/2025 22:48

Maybe your depression is due to living with him. I don't mean that flippantly, I was clinically depressed during a relationship and once we split I no longer needed medication, anxiety and depression just disappeared.

whynotwhatknot · 28/01/2025 22:31

you dont want to upset the kidsby leaving but one at least has noticed hes grumpy how do you think it affects them living with that

cestlavielife · 28/01/2025 22:30

Better 50% with misery guts than 100 %
Consider your options

Hohohoeyy · 28/01/2025 22:27

From what you’ve said, I’d leave - the kids will be happier.

Nellz · 28/01/2025 22:22

Just to add to some of the more constructive comments above - you sound like a very reflective, self-aware person. Your kids are lucky to have you x

ThatShyRoseViper · 28/01/2025 22:12

You don’t sound very happy either OP. Don’t you think the children are picking up on that too, or will as they grow older?

IPreveil · 28/01/2025 21:57

I have nothing of use to add. But I feel very similarly. I’m so sorry OP

Original poster
Haemagoblin · 28/01/2025 21:57

MadmansLibrary · 28/01/2025 21:52

Why the fuck is it OP's responsibility to jolly him along?

Show quote history

Well to be fair to that poster I do feel a bit like it is my responsibility, inasmuch as he's the father I chose for my kids and if his unhappiness affects them that is my concern. My life is a continual weighing up of whether things are better for them like this, with a fairly straightforward life but exposed to a not very cheerful dad, or with a split family and spending 50% of their time with ONLY that not very cheerful dad. Whilst weighing up whether he might actually be happier and less miserable if we weren't together. I'm honestly quite ruthless about our relationship at this point - I only consider it in terms of what is better for the children. I gave up on any hope of being able to get any joy out of it myself a long time ago, and more recently gave up on any hope of being able to make him happy either.

OP posts:
Original poster
Haemagoblin · 28/01/2025 21:53

Apileofballyhoo · 28/01/2025 21:42

Is he depressed?

Quite possibly. I definitely was, sought help with counsellor and then GP and am now medicated which means I am under control. He would NEVER countenance medication and would be hugely unlikely to go to the GP. He did attend a CBT course for anger management at my urging/ultimatum and that did seem to do him a lot of good in the sense gat he doesn't have angry outbursts like he used to do. But he certainly isn't happy. I often feel like I am medicated for both of us tbh.

OP posts:
xyz111 · 28/01/2025 21:53

I would tell him but say it in a kind way, rather than say your DD thinks you're fucking miserable. It might give him a kick if he knows he's affecting her too.

MadmansLibrary · 28/01/2025 21:52

thismummydrinksgin · 28/01/2025 21:41

Maybe if you were in a better place he would be in better mood? Any date nights or together time on the horizon? X

Why the fuck is it OP's responsibility to jolly him along?

Original poster
Haemagoblin · 28/01/2025 21:50

thismummydrinksgin · 28/01/2025 21:41

Maybe if you were in a better place he would be in better mood? Any date nights or together time on the horizon? X

The answer to that is a very long story. My version is I have been doing everything I can to put it right and get to nothing back; he would certainly have a different version. "Date nights" are few and far between because we have young kids and no support. When we get them it can feel like a lot of pressure tbh. I think basically we are very badly suited but we're in it now and I certainly won't countenance initiating breaking up and making the kids lives exponentially more complicated unless that's what he wants. I have raised it before and he says he doesn't.

I dare say he would be a lot happier if "we" were happier; but from my perspective, one of the main reasons our relationship is on the skids is because he's so fucking miserable, grumpy and negative. So I suppose it's a bit chicken and egg.

OP posts:
Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 28/01/2025 21:43

thismummydrinksgin · 28/01/2025 21:41

Maybe if you were in a better place he would be in better mood? Any date nights or together time on the horizon? X

Our sole purpose in life isn’t to keep men happy you know. He needs to look at himself and try and appear a little more up beat if even an 8 year old notices.

Apileofballyhoo · 28/01/2025 21:42

Is he depressed?

thismummydrinksgin · 28/01/2025 21:41

Maybe if you were in a better place he would be in better mood? Any date nights or together time on the horizon? X