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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do you speak to your partner nicely ALL the time?

132 replies

holycrumpet · 28/01/2025 20:26

Not sure if the thread title is right, my head is a bit woolly (got a cold).

Posting here because I need some perspective and I know I’ll get blunt answers. Fully prepared to get flamed.

For those of you who are married or in serious relationships, how do you speak to one another on a day-to-day basis?

As in, do you speak to each other 100% respectfully/politely/nicely/kindly 100% of the time?

My reason for asking:

Lately my DH has been taking issue with the way I speak to him. If I come across grumpy or annoyed, if my tone is anything less than kind or respectful, he has a problem with it.

Now I fully get that I should speak to him kindly, I’m not disputing that. My point is that although we should all be kind, we’re human. When we’re tired/poorly/hungry/upset/frustrated etc, when we speak before we think, our tone of voice and our words may not be soft and full of love. That doesn’t mean I don’t love and respect him.

I’m 40, heading towards menopause (mum got it early, think I’m peri or at least on the way) and my job has been stressful lately.

I’ve explained this to him but I’m not trying to make excuses. These are reasons as to why sometimes I might not think before I speak. My tone reflects my mood. I’m trying to be better but I’m not perfect yet I feel he expects me to be. Hence my question. Is this normal in a marriage (18 years together if that matters) or does everyone else speak to their other half nicely/kindly/politely all of the time?

My other issue here is that when he speaks to me in the ways he takes issue with when I do it, I tend to let it go. It doesn’t bother me, at least not as much. Because a) he’s my husband, b) I understand he isn’t doing it to hurt me, there’s a reason and c) he’s human. So I don’t pull him up on it every single time.

Finally, I feel like him making an issue of it almost every time is telling me I can’t show my emotions. But I think maybe I’m feeling a little sorry for myself here. I’m poorly and tired so maybe this is clouding my judgment.

Can someone give me a little perspective? Are all your relationship conversations polite and kind? Or do you sometimes snap at one another and if yes, do you let it go or does it become an argument?

OP posts:

morellamalessdrama · 28/01/2025 20:37

I think when you're in a very long-term relationship, it can be easy to not be kind to the people that you love the most.

If he's telling you that he doesn't like the way you are speaking to him, and you think that perhaps you do have a tone then consider whether you are actually being fair to him.

YouveGotAFastCar · 28/01/2025 20:36

Yes, I think so. I mean I’m not perfect, so there’s moments that I’ll be grumpy/short/snappy, but they’re probably less frequent than once a month, and enough that he is quite worried about me when it happens. He’s typically the same. We’re both quick to check in that the other person is okay, and to apologise.

I don’t think I’d be thrilled if I felt DH took his frustrations out on me just because I was there, that doesn’t seem too loving. I don’t expect him to mask his emotions or bottle everything up, but I do expect him to treat me as if he likes me! I’d be seriously unimpressed if he snapped at me because he was hungry or tired.

HeronWing · 28/01/2025 20:34

holycrumpet · 28/01/2025 20:30

Sometimes I guess, if I'm feeling tired or whatnot. It isn't intentional but your post suggests I should be more aware of the way I'm coming across.

What do you mean by 'moan but not at him'?

Do you speak the way you speak to him to your friends or colleagues? Or is he the only one you snap at when you feel tired, frustrated, hungry etc?

Shallana · 28/01/2025 20:33

I woudn't say I speak kindly 100% of the time, but maybe 90%! Unless he is the cause of my bad mood, then I make a concious effort not to let me feeling grumpy carry across in how I speak to him, and we are both open about feeling stressed/fed up about things e.g work, so that we can comfort and support each other.

I can understand how your parnter might feel if it just seems you are constantly in a mood with him, rather than the world.

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 28/01/2025 20:31

Generally we speak nicely to one another. But we both have moments when tired / grumpy / stressed / unwell when we may sound a bit “off”. Usually the other one would no why and ignore it as it’s clearly not meant horribly. It’s not frequent though.