Do you speak to your partner nicely ALL the time?

Generally yes but we both have moments when I'm menopausal or he's tired from work and we're snippy. TBH we normally apologise pretty quickly or give each other grace knowing there are reasons why we're grumpy.

It's not feasible to be happy all the time and your DH is your safe space where you can be yourself as long as it's not too much.

We very occasionally are short with each other if we are ill or had no sleep, but never nasty or swearing. Just not as polite. And then we apologise within ten mins and explain why we were out of sorts. It never escalates because the grumpy one owns it.

Truthfully, I struggle with PMT and could be a lot more chilled in that week.

Being grumpy is normal sometimes though and I think, as long as you’ve explained it’s not about them or your relationship, then you should be allowed to be grumpy sometimes without getting flack for it!

We take the mick out of each other all the time but it’s always in jest and rooted in fondness. Either of us can get a bit grumpy sometimes if we’re hungry or tired but we always go away and then apologise for it - it doesn’t happen very often.

For me, I’m often in a stupidly bad mood over unnecessary work/family drama but I roll my eyes with him at it, so he shares my ‘pain’ - I would never be short or curt with him because of those things. I don’t hide my feelings from him but equally I don’t take them out on him.

Sounds like you guys maybe could do with some support on communicating with each other, OP. That’s not a strange thing but this will fester if you don’t face it.

No he can be a massive twat at times. As can I. As in all relationships. Been together 45 yes. It's normal

God, no.

My tone of voice is not always soft and full of love. But I'm always civil and nice. And if there is tension I usually deal with it by trying to be funny, or say whatever I need to that might be difficult in an English regional accent. I can't remember when I either of us last snapped at one another. It has happened over the decades we've been together but it's very very rare. We do speak nicely, pretty much always

No! We're the closest people to each other so we see all parts of each other, even the shitty, grumpy parts. We're not rude or nasty to each other though.

Unrealistic imo to speak nicely to each i💯 of the time!

Sorry OP, I didn't read your post fully before replying. :(

Yes most of the time, of course we both have our moments due to stress, tiredness or pain but we get over them quickly, apologise, work it out and move on.Life would be pretty miserable if we didn't. We don't make huge issues out of small nit picky stuff, we joke about them and make changes instead . When bigger issues do come along we know we're not mad at each other, it's the situation that's the problem if that makes sense, so we don't waste time bickering we just get on & sort it. My first marriage was nothing like this , we were horrible to each other!

Nope. Not proud of it, but I can be a right cow He also has his moments. We ideally should all be perfect, but are mere humans.

Yes we speak to each other nicely and respectfully all of the time. I'd take issue with being spoken to like shit or snapped at.

Does he ever snap/moan at you?

Either he has a point or he's deflecting his shitty behaviour.

You could do the same to him and see his reaction?

In retrospect this was one of the end signs for our relationship, but it was him not me.
He stopped every saying please or thank you, no niceties at all, and when I pulled him up on it he just got angry that I was picking at him, and he was stressed/tired/depressed/whatever. I felt entirely taken for granted and lost interest in even trying to be nice to him as there was no reciprocation and the whole relationship fell apart.
Just another perspective.

Nobody is 100% perfect 100% of the time. I think it probable that your DH knows that and I’d be surprised if that is what he expects of you (if it is, he is being ridiculous). I suspect you know that nobody always behaves perfectly too.

What you have written makes me wonder how frequently you speak to him in a way which clearly upsets/annoys/offends him. It could be that he feels that you are like this more often than not/very frequently and he is fed up of it. He is clearly expressing that he is unhappy with the way you speak to him at times. None of us can say if he has a point or is over-reacting/looking for fault with you for another reason/not admitting that you have reasonable cause to be annoyed. I think you’ll need to do some honest self-reflection here- do you honestly think there is a problem with your behaviour, or not? What you do depends on the answer to that question.

it does not matter that you don’t mind if he snaps occasionally- we do all have different thresholds/tolerance levels for these things and that is ok (within limits- clearly being towards the far end of either end of the spectrum is more problematic). it’s clear that there is an issue between you caused by his objection to your behaviour. If you feel he has a point, you need to look at what you can do to change something to minimise the issue (recognising that no-one is perfect). If you don’t think he is correct, you probably need to address that with him directly to move forward.

No, we can both be a little bit cunty on occasion, but never nasty and we are both happy to apologise if needed.
I've lived with the bloke for 15 years, tempers can fray sometimes if either or both of us are tired, ill, stressed, in pain etc.

Once or twice a year either of us might have a grumpy tone and then get over it and apologise. But we are very conflict avoidant so I wouldn't assume it is something to aspire to.

I’m SO guilty of this. I love my partner to pieces but god I can be a grump and he gets the brunt of it!

No - but we both know each other well enough to know that there's no malice behind it, if that makes sense. We're just confident enough in our marriage to know that we love each other regardless of what mood we might be in, or how that might come across.

I personally feel it's unrealistic to speak 100% kindly to someone you live in the same house with long-term, but I'm sure I'll be shot down for that looking at the previous answers

No. Usually if I’m being a bitch he says I need to go for a run, or if I’m really being a pain in the ass he says I sound like his or my mother.

if he’s in a bad mood he turns into mr sarcastic and I tell him he needs to go for a run or just get out and walk the dogs.

Generally we're respectful and kind. However, if he's behaved like a fucking cunt I have no issue in using those exact words. This happens rarely.

A good 95% of the time we are nice. If either one of us is feeling off or unwell then we just talk about it. We do daily check ins with how we are feeling, it works for us. We are in the thick of young kids it's easy to feel disconnected and drift apart if we don't.

I guess for me there are two slightly separate things

Sometimes I am not happy and chirpy and I don't feel like I need to hide that from DH or pretend my emotions don't exist

But I don't really ever speak unkindly to him or rudely to him

So for example, if I have a tough day at work, I might say "urgh xxxx really annoyed me" and have a little whinge about it

But I wouldn't take it out on him by being rude to him, not saying please and thank you, ordering him around or otherwise being unkind

This is what I meant.

Yes. There have been a tiny number of times one of us has had attitude in their voice. Usually followed up with some variation of "I'm sorry, I'm not having a go at you I'm just so stressed with ..."
Or the other will say "hey don't talk to me like that please" and will apologise.

You don't get to take your bad mood out on the person that loves you.