Do you speak to your partner nicely ALL the time?

Yes, I do. He does.

If I'm grumpy or tired I will tell him that. Being grumpy or tired or whatever is no excuse for being rude or unkind, especially to your partner.

We both have our moments. Now we have ways to talk it through - he has an adhd med that makes him grumpy, so I’ll ask if it’s that or see if he needs some alone time. I’m terrible on PMS so we need to check in a lot. So I’d say we are like 60% our best selves 25% trying and talk it through and 15% sleep deprived survival mode. When either of us has had to give the other one a talk like your dh gave you, we sit on it, make an extra effort, and also figure out what is wrong/what we need and how to make it better without being a grump.

Too easy to get in a habit of bitching at each other! I’ve seen it with relatives and don’t want that

I am a snappy cow and he is a grumpy git. I shout and he tells me to eff off. We are people with emotions not robots. We love each other to bits.

I'm careful with my tone when I'm feeling mardy - DH is less careful so I do pick him up on it. Instant apology followed usually by a chat about what's bothering him.

This exactly.

Some people are more sensitive to that kind of thing than others.

Do we try? Yes. That usually doesn't mean super sweet - you can be direct and non-frilly without being rude or snappish - but we actively avoid grouching at others in our home and expect manners and pleasantries more often than not. No, of course we don't expect perfection and we give each other grace in the inevitable imperfect human moments. In general we treat grouchiness as something for the grouch to take steps to manage - go collect yourself, talk about what's actually bugging you, go get a snack, disengage from a conversation for the time being, etc. Being in a bad mood is ok, but subjecting others to it is not. And if I snap or my DH says "please stop snarling at me" I just apologize and re-set.

But as with most of these relationship things, it's usually about context and frequency. The occasional grouchy or brusque moment is easily excused when the person is kind and considerate 95% of the time and true snappish moments are very sporadic. But when things become an unhappy pattern each instance tends to grate more because it's an arrow pointing at this much larger issue that is weighing on you or the relationship. It's the same reason I would gently laugh if my normally very organized and conscientious DH left the milk out to spoil and ask kindly what had him so distracted but someone whose husband was constantly acting like a messy toddler around the house would be justifiably angry at having to toss and replace yet another spoiled item.

So take an honest assessment. Is your DH actually expecting you to be "nice" 100% of the time or has your communication style and/or mood deteriorated and created a pattern that he's unhappy about?

My parents are horrible to each other. It is awful to live in that kind of environment.
Dh and I are kind and respectful to each other- him 100% of the time- me prob a bit less at times as I'm menopausal

Nope, there's a few on this thread that are perfect and talk nicely at all times to their partner.

Not me🤣

I certainly try to speak to DH nicely all the time, but there may be the odd occasion when I'm slightly short or snappy, for whatever reason. However, we have a rule in our family that we give one another the benefit of the doubt, and if I was to be a bit snappy with DH, rather than immediately taking offence, he would likely ask "Is everything OK?", which gives me the opportunity to apologise and try again.

I think it's fairly normal to be a bit short with one another from time to time, but it's how you respond when you realise what you've done that is really important. Even if it's only later, on reflection that you think "I was quite snappy with DH earlier, it wasn't anything to do with him, it was just because I'd had a stressful day" and you then take the time to apologise.

This definitely 😂

Nah that's not normal 😂

No we don’t speak to each other with kindness 100% of the time. We’ve been married for 34 years, we also work together from home mostly so there a lot of time together to be a bit grumpy sometimes.
We always apologies very quickly afterwards though and have a bit of a laugh about it.

If you’re being unkind when the your partner has done absolutely nothing wrong, then you should apologies imo , if you don’t you’re spouse has every reason to be peed off with your behaviour.

I like I can be a rude cow sometimes but my DH (together 25 years) never seems to take any offence. Probably because he knows I am never really annoyed at him.

He was proper hangry at new year but was refusing to eat so I practically threw a pizza box at him with a 'eat the bloody pizza!!"

We totally laughed about it once he wasn't hungry any more,.

Yes. It's so unbelievably rare there's any snapping here, I can only remember one time in recent memory - from me, I was full of a flu, and apologised immediately. We moan to each other but not at each other. Any issues and we just talk about them calmly, and use humour to diffuse situations as we're both very good at reading each other.

I know it's one of those things where you're more likely to snark at those you're closest to, so for lots of relationships that's normal. For me, I wouldn't snap at my manager or clients so I won't snap at DH (or the DC). We do tease and poke fun at one another, but it's never with any underlying meanness or genuine annoyance.

It's not all sing song chirpy voices by any means, but never unkind or narky.

most of the time. we do have lighthearted bickering and playful teasing.
and nobody is in a good mood all the time, so we don't take it personally if the other is having a bad day and being snappy. I can be very sharp when I'm in pain, which is a lot of the time. but we both understand it's not directed at each other.

I don't regularly or often speak unkindly to my dh, and he doesn't to me. If you're finding this is a frequent thing then that's not great

I used to take my daughter to a gym class where I'd often chat to one of the other Mums. She seemed lovely except for the way she spoke to her eldest daughter - it really sounded like she genuinely disliked her, to the extent it made me quite uncomfortable.

I'm sure she had no idea and would have been horrified if I'd ever told her.

I don't know if there's anyone who knows you and your partner well enough to give you an outsiders perspective?

Love the idea of diffusing awkwardness with an English regional accent. I do the same pronouncing words phonetically (e.g. "ker-nife", pathetic attempt to be funny) but unfortunately this often results in him not being able to hear me properly and getting even more irritated 😂

i think simmering in silent resentment if your partner has annoyed you instead of being open about it, is much more damaging.

I think you should be allowed to be grumpy or annoyed if you had a bad long day etc he should be able to “ take it” and so should you if he’s grumpy or annoyed, not rude but snappy or blunt? Your husband sounds like he’s one of those people that you’ll rather watch paint dry than have a conversation with him, boring as hell. If I can’t be myself and have to watch the tone of my voice all the time I rather be alone

I am a sensitive flower and I am an absolute weathervane for moods - I swear the way my DP takes his coat off can make all the hairs rise on the back of my neck as I can TELL he's not happy. This is probably as a result of my childhood having a lot of arguing adults in it, my nervous system is overly primed to the negative emotions of others. Makes parenting a temperamental toddler HUGE fun also 🫠.

So for me, it is a big deal when he lets his general irritation spill over into how he speaks to me. I've told him this and he knows it but he won't change as he says that's me not letting him express himself. He's not angry AT ME, he says. But if I'm the only one there, then frankly the intent matters less than the effect - basically he can hold this temper in all day, "not express himself" for the benefit of everyone else, but I'm not worth the effort even though he knows how much it makes me anxious. It's why right now I'm avoiding him, and why in the long run (i.e. once the kids are grown up) I will have to have a good think about whether this is the life I want. It would be SO NICE not to spend my whole life anxious and stressed out by someone else's emotional weather.

And before anyone asks, I do make a conscious effort to speak to EVERYONE in the family nicely and respectfully. When I habitually don't, I have recognised it as a sign of me really not coping very well and sought medication/help or made lifestyle changes. And apologised and explained myself to partner/the kids. Because I honestly don't feel entitled to being grumpy and short with people just because they happen to be in the way when I'm feeling unhappy.

We speak to each other nicely mostly. If I’m a bit annoyed about something I might say so in a, I’m not overly pleased you did that, kind of way.

I try really really hard to always be polite. My mum talks to my dad in such a belittling way these days, it makes me cringe and I really don’t want to be doing that. Always correcting him, talking over him.

at the same time, I refuse to be a doormat, and I still aim to be assertive, and polite with it. DH is not from a family where assertive is the norm so it gets his back up sometimes. so I do tone it down a bit sometimes. On the whole we get on really well.

For me it’s so important to model polite-and-assertive to our two sons. I don’t want then to be pushovers, but they do need to be respectful.

I don't believe anyone never snaps at their partner. We talk nicely most of the time but we do get the hump sometimes and snap. Just like most normal couples.