Do you speak to your partner nicely ALL the time?

We shouldn't have to mask around our spouses.

If I'm upset, I'm not going to pretend I'm not.

If I'm angry, I'm not going to pretend I'm not.

I make it clear I'm feeling upset/angry/worried, not at them but a specific issue.

My husband is an understanding guy and is totally fine with that as a reason.

We have a close relationship which means we can be ourselves without having to tip toe.

Not always. Admittedly. The other day he was wittering on. I was reading. Every so often he will say something relevant, I then have to ask him to repeat it. This is then followed by irrelevant wittering .

Hmmm what jumps out for me is that he is expecting you to police your tone at all times whilst not expecting the same of himself.

This just suggests he’s raising issues re your “tone” to control you and shut you down.

I mostly speak nicely but sometimes I get grumpy or bitchy and then I apologise for it. My mother thought it was fine to treat the family like shit when she was in a bad mood and I have learnt from her that I never want to do that. Amazingly enough she could put her second face on with other people and behave nicely, they never got to see the real her.

I really don't believe in being nice to everyone else but those to whom you are closest. I think it's important to treat the people you care about most well and not just expect them to put up with awful behaviour because they love you.

I think it's unrealistic to never ever get irritable or grumpy with the people you live with. But I'd say if I do speak to him a bit rudely it's either because he's done something to warrant it and if I was being unreasonable I'll apologise and it's the same for him.

Yes. Even when we argue or snap, both very rarely, we keep our language in check and are still respectful, but we're both a bit older and have had plenty of practice from previous relationships on how not to communicate respectfully.

Yes we try to. If we don't we'll normally ask each other what the issue is and figure it out.

What's the rest of your relationship like OP? Not saying this is the case for you, but this was a big thing in my abusive relationship. If I ever conveyed any annoyance, negativity or irritability in my tone I would be persecuted, punished (silent treatment, shouted at etc) and told I had a personality disorder/mental illness (it varied). He was always justified in losing his temper or being annoyed at me though. Like you, I would let his small moments of grumpiness go, but he would come down like a tonne of bricks on me if I was anything other than the perfect agreeable little wife. So I'd say it depends on the bigger picture of your relationship.

Gosh I used to cry every time dh and I had a “talk”. I went to counselling because I wanted to stop feeling angry all the time. It was all down to my childhood, being afraid to ever have my say as my dad was very much “children should be seen and not heard”. So I grew up a people pleaser and just agreeing with everyone because I don’t know how to put my own feelings first, so that’s why I cried. Since having counselling, I hardly cry now and find it much easier to have calm conversations.

So you are unkind to him and then you cry and make it about you? Please get some therapy.

We're almost never stroppy or snappy with each other and if we are, we always apologise. Obviously we have our disagreements but we're generally really good at having them in a way that's not unpleasant or arsey.

As a couple, my DP and I tease and rib each other all the time. We take the piss out of each other a lot. So we're certainly not one of those couples who are always earnestly polite. We mock each other loads and we're both very sarcastic people. But that's what makes us laugh and it's how we show affection. We never snap at each other or talk to each other like dirt, ever. If we have a disagreement there's no nastiness on either side. And we also compliment each other a lot and and thank each other for stuff. For example, I do most of the cooking and he always, always thanks me for that and is appreciative. Similarly, when I open the dishwasher and see he's unloaded it or notice there's a load of washing on the line, I'll always say 'Oh, ta for doing that'.

Like everyone we can be snappy at times (or more likely, surly) but it's usually brought on by external stressors and we both apologise if we realise we've been overly snappy/surly. Also if one of us seems like they're in that kind of mood, we're pretty good at giving each other space to get over it.

I suddenly realised the importance of biting my tongue! I didn't need to comment every time he did something a tiny bit irritating.

This really is key I think. When you're bickering there's often a moment where what you're about to say will escalate it into an actual argument and 99% of the time it's just not worth it. The 1% of the time it is, it should be approached with a proper, calm conversation rather than an off-the-cuff snap.

Something DP and I do (subconsciously I think) is turn minor irritations into mildly sarcastic jokes, so we get to vocalise them but it comes out as "wearily amused by partner's absurd foibles" rather than "can't stand the sight of you any more".

No 😔
I tend to be a bit snappy and impatient if in a hurry, or nervous or in pain. He is more patient and less emotional tbh.

My DH and I have very different approaches, which makes things tough. I can be stroppy and verbally snappy, whereas he never is. Definitely always has the moral high ground there. We have vastly different standards, so we’re constantly compromising and discussing, but I feel like I do most of the compromising, leading to resentment. Rupture and repair is a monthly occurrence, if not more often. I know being rude and angry is not okay, and I do sincerely apologise and want to be better. But at the same time it honestly seems like the only way anyone takes any notice of me.

I raise issues politely, but nothing changes. I'll voice my rising frustration. Nothing. Eventually I lose my temper or get rude. Only then does he take notice and adjust his behaviour—briefly. We repeat this cycle endlessly: I get frustrated, I snap, he finally reacts, I apologise, things improve temporarily, and then we start over. He never raises issues himself and seems content with the status quo. It's about all the usual stereotypical things you could think of/see on here, which makes me so angry as it took him years to convince me to be with him, and have a family. My concerns about becoming a wife and mother were that I didn't want to become the person nagging others about picking up socks, not leaving things on the stairs, cleaning the loo after use, being considerate of others when making plans etc, having to compromise on career or holidays or home life etc. (I told him multiple times to go and find someone who matched his ambitions better, but he has this optimistic outlook that it'll all be okay, so when I found myself pregnant unexpectedly I went with it.) Now I have regular conversations on how he's not keeping his end of the bargain and how I don't want to be a dragon queen for whom getting angry is the only way to be heard.

This week we have a child at home, I work in the house whereas he has an office outside. At lunch he went for a run for an hour. Didn't think about spending time with the little one, or giving me a break, just stuck to his usual routine. I wasn't best pleased, but I wasn't rude. As a result he shrugs it off. If I'd screamed at him he would have apologised and amended his behaviour next time, as it is I fully anticipate this behaviour to be repeated.

I know I can only control my own reactions and I constantly work on my reactions (walking away, taking a breath, instigating conversation all that jazz), but I can't help but be really really sad that everything I was worried about came true and now I'm stuck.

I think it depends on the general behaviour of the individual.
I get it that some people have a more explosive temperament. I avoid these type of personalities because I dislike the behaviour and I can't come up with any logical explanation or excuse for it.
I can't imagine ever snapping at anyone. It is basic respect. I certainly wouldn't tolerate anyone snapping at me. There is zero reason for anyone to do it, ever.
We've never bickered, shouted or insulted each other. But that is also because we both have similar behaviours and expectations and we also respect each other.

I wasn't able to communicate respectfully with my exh and nor was he with me. The reason being was we didn't respect or even like each other. We should have separated and divorced sooner than we did, but I've learnt my lesson and I'll never be in a relationship of any kind where I communicate like that again. It's so toxic.

I think it’s important to have a bedrock of basic courtesy, respect and kindness in any close relationship.

Making a long term relationship work involves some compromise and there will always be moments when the other person irritates you. I think it’s important not to turn this into a steady surround sound of annoyance because people can sense it.

That said, it’s also important to communicate clearly and directly and not to allow things to fester and become magnified so a “nicey nicey” veneer and glossing over things when you are upset is always going to do more harm than good.

The key principle I use is to ask myself if the issue I am pissed off about is important for the healthy functioning of the relationship. If it is I confront it head on. If not, I tend to let it go. It’s usually not worth winning every point and maintaining harmony over small things goes a long way.

We are respectful all the time. We can main to each other but we never direct negativity directly at the other.

Oh lord! If I'm honest I can be such a snappy cow when I'm stressed, which is a lot of the time! I've been with him for years though and he knows to ignore my tone sometimes, and I do usually say I'm sorry, it's just xyz. He's a saint clearly

I think it depends what stressors you each have to cope with, though what’s aspirational shouldn’t change - I assume everyone would probably prefer a normally only friendly and calm discussion with the people they live with.

I’m all for that so in theory want to let things go but it’s then me who has to pick up the slack so being what is taken as the bad cop becomes necessary for my own sanity.

DH and I went through a (long) phase of bickering and speaking to each other in a rude, condescending way. Whenever we felt even a minor irritation with each other, we'd voice it. We spoke to each other in a way we'd never speak to others.
It was horrible, death by a thousand cuts. I could see it created a nasty atmosphere for the kids too.
I suddenly realised the importance of biting my tongue! I didn't need to comment every time he did something a tiny bit irritating. I learnt to keep my mouth shut. I also realised the importance of being kind.
We've massively improved the way we communicate. We don't nit pick. We are kind and respectful to each other (99% of the time!). We're both so much happier. I also feel it's important that the children learn the importance of respect in relationships.

Yes I do. I learned very early on in our relationship he wouldn't tolerate being spoken to horribly like I sometimes replicated from my parents' marriage! Some of our trickier arguments I can't promise would have been said with an even tone the whole time...but in 20 years I could count on one hand how often that's occurred.

I think being spoken to poorly is one of those things that really breaks you down as a person over time.

Reading your updates have you considered counselling? It reads like you were never taught to communicate your feelings effectively so you get overwhelmed . Counselling could help.

But make sure you don't go the other way and feel afraid to share your feelings for rear of upsetting your dp because that's not h healthy either. You are entitled to be irritated/upset etc but how you communicate that can be worked on

Does this go deeper - is there a resentful history to your relationship- ie, do you feel you generally input more than he does?

Have there been past issues you've needed to forgive him for? I'm wondering if your patience is thinner with him because of unconscious negative feelings towards him.

But if there's none of that, he's a great guy, pulls his weight, makes you feel wonderful etc, then it's breaking the habit - not saying anything rather than being mardy, taking a breath, discovering what your triggers are.

I know I should be polite but I do snap sometimes when I'm grumpy or stressed. I don't think it's okay and would never want it to become acceptable but more understandable. It's part of being human and living with someone 24/7 and sharing stressful situations. We mostly both try and let it go in these circumstances.

I don't want to be a bickering couple who think it's okay to fight every day or swear at each other.