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Original poster

Will we lose our home ? Should I lose a husband

189 replies

Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 20:10

Hi everyone 👋
I'll try and keep this short , we bought our first house 3 years ago , since then , me and my husband had a separation of 9 months , things had been bad tbh and I never would have bought a home with him but we found ourselves in need of somewhere new to live and had the means to buy a home , anyway , we decided to work through our issues and things have been going well since Christmas... Today I found letters he has hidden from me from land and property and turns out he has never paid the rates , like ever 🥺, we agreed that he would be responsible for them and he's told me numerous times they were paid for , we now owe 1000s and we honestly don't have the money., he's ignored the last letter that would have given him the option to pay off in installments, he's been working overtime every weekend for 5 months and I also buy all food , all school meals , all kids clothes ect I worked out he should have few hundred left at the end of the month after the bills he pays NOT Inc overtime ,and now he tells me NOW he tells me he couldn't afford it 😡 have I a right to be livid , and what will happen to the home now ? Is this unforgivable to you ?

OP posts:
SeaToSki · 28/01/2025 22:09

So did he tell you outright that he hasnt actually been paying it?

Im wondering if he set the direct debit up but fucked it up somehow and has been paying someone else's rates, or something equally stupid.

I would ask him to show you the payments coming out of his bank account, its also quite possible that the council have mis coded them.

Also, if he thinks you might be able to fix it all, you might have an easier time getting to see his statements

Sugargliderwombat · 28/01/2025 22:07

If I were shit with money I would happily sit down and come up with q plan. He knows something about where his money is going that he doesn't want you to know.

My OH was 'shit with money'. He actually had massive fines from unpaid bills / speeding tickets he couldnt be arsed to do the admin for.

snoopsy · 28/01/2025 21:52

do you think he has a gambling problem? Or he has been lending money to his parents?

IcyHare · 28/01/2025 21:51

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Original poster
Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 21:51

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 28/01/2025 21:49

Can you afford the mortgage, rates and bills on your own if you're getting child support? There won't be much equity in the house after 3 years unless you had a big deposit so if you could manage it on your own that might be your best bet. He's a complete shit doing this to you.

Realistically no unfortunately

OP posts:
IcyHare · 28/01/2025 21:50

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Original poster
Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 21:50

ReadingSoManyThreads · 28/01/2025 21:42

@Derrygirl09 please don't panic £2K, whilst it may seem a lot to you now, it's a manageable amount to pay back. You'll be ok x

Thank you that means a lot tbh , Ive big day in work next week as well and my nerves did NOT need this , its look good for promotion for me ATM if all goes well , which looks like I seriously need 😭

OP posts:
EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 28/01/2025 21:49

Can you afford the mortgage, rates and bills on your own if you're getting child support? There won't be much equity in the house after 3 years unless you had a big deposit so if you could manage it on your own that might be your best bet. He's a complete shit doing this to you.

Original poster
Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 21:49

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 28/01/2025 21:42

It is possible if he earns enough to be on two mortgages, especially if they said the other property was an investment one to rent out. That would absolutely be the last straw for me. If he's done that behind your back I'd tell him to fuck off and live with his mum. Since you're married if his names on another title deed you should have a claim against that too. Id use that as leverage. Could you afford the mortgage on your own?

Edited
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Yeah but that would mean serious reduction in quality of life , I could cope. I don't think it's fair on the kids , he woudlnt move out anyway hence why when he split up for 9 months we lived together because he expected me to move with the kids

OP posts:
Original poster
Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 21:46

FakingItEasy · 28/01/2025 21:45

Would.ypu be financially better off it you sold the house now (he can organise a repayment plan for the rates) and just make a clean break from him? Rent for a bit if you have to.

I couldn't be with someone who wasn't prepared to be transparent about their finances. I don't know how you've coped for so long!

I looked for somewhere to rent for 9 months and couldn't afford anywhere 🙈 unless I moved miles away which would mean moving kids schools ect I won't get into it much but my son needs that school it's a special school , I also don't drive so I'm kinda stuck as too how far I can move away

OP posts:
Original poster
Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 21:45

Completelyjo · 28/01/2025 21:39

Oh come on what a ridiculous comment. Why did she leave it to him? Why didn’t she have her eyes on it?
Probably because she dealt with every other thing and he had two single things to manage!

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Exactly he puffed out his chest and said me big man me pay mortgage insurance and rates , and I agreed because I thought well you can't mess THAT up ,🤔 I'd honesty go insane if I had to take care of everything, I'd understand if I was single that's what single mums do ( shout out to you girls because I don't know how you do it ) but I'm apparently not ... I mean right down to cooking and cleaning it me all he had to do was set up direct debit and go to work which he does 🫠

OP posts:
FakingItEasy · 28/01/2025 21:45

Would.ypu be financially better off it you sold the house now (he can organise a repayment plan for the rates) and just make a clean break from him? Rent for a bit if you have to.

I couldn't be with someone who wasn't prepared to be transparent about their finances. I don't know how you've coped for so long!

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 28/01/2025 21:42

Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 21:18

He's not a massive over drinker tbh , he's hardly gone out because he can't afford it everything is he can't afford it yet he got a better job and does overtime I've wrecked my brain for ages because I don't understand it , tbh his mum was crying poverty and had to sell her house and was crying she nowere to go , she hasn't worked in 20 years and now she's bought a lovely house in a very sought after area here , which I've never understood how 🤔 tbh there was alot of whispers behind my back on occasions leading up to it , I suspect he's on her mortgage too if that's possible now tbh

Show quote history

It is possible if he earns enough to be on two mortgages, especially if they said the other property was an investment one to rent out. That would absolutely be the last straw for me. If he's done that behind your back I'd tell him to fuck off and live with his mum. Since you're married if his names on another title deed you should have a claim against that too. Id use that as leverage. Could you afford the mortgage on your own?

ReadingSoManyThreads · 28/01/2025 21:42

@Derrygirl09 please don't panic £2K, whilst it may seem a lot to you now, it's a manageable amount to pay back. You'll be ok x

Mamabear999 · 28/01/2025 21:41

I would knee cap him! (Not literally). Ring first thing and explain, tell them anything ( he has lost his mind etc)to get you on a payment plan. I would be taking 💯 control of finances. I am sure you are just raging🙈. Honestly you don’t want to bankrupted over this and lose your home as so hard to get rentals in NI. 🥲

Original poster
Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 21:39

YourAzureEagle · 28/01/2025 21:35

The council would have to go to court for the rates, get a ccj, put a charge on the house, go to court for an order for sale - slow and expensive.

If you offer to pay in instalments I would imagine they will bite your hand off, especially as offering that in court would likely be accepted by the judge.

Make sure you get all the post going forward and respond to any court summons that may arrive.

Yh he's off work tonight said you better ring when I'm there of course he's refused to do that , but I want to be there to take phone off him and tell them I'll pay them. I'll also be looking somewhere else to live but tbh I was looking for 9 months , there's literally nothing I can afford now , I know if I move out he'll end up losing the house completely 🤷 he's incapable

OP posts:
Completelyjo · 28/01/2025 21:39

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Oh come on what a ridiculous comment. Why did she leave it to him? Why didn’t she have her eyes on it?
Probably because she dealt with every other thing and he had two single things to manage!

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 28/01/2025 21:36

Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 20:56

Hi I'm new to this so don't know how to reply individually, im in Derry , what I pay is more than what he's responsible for , he earns more than me without the extra overtime money , hes always worked hard and always been skint apparently, never understood were money goes , it's been left to him because that's what we decided, i thought it was easier for him to pay mortgage and rates and I'd take care of monthly club costs for kids , any holidays , school meals , uniforms , Christmas , food , electric, TV licence ect he's bad with money so I just told him to set up direct debits , I don't think that is it being left up to him he had 2 jobs , mortgage and insurance, rates , I pay off the kitchen , I pay off Argos card , I pay off the sofa , I paid the plumber ect ect ect ! Yes the mortgage is paid , he's also quite bit older than me and just said he wanted to be responsible for that .. I let him because tbh that's much easier than what I pay , I've constantly have money for clubs and swimming and electric and food every week, we've never had a joint bank account, like I said he's bad with money so I thankfully made the right decision to keep our bank accounts separate,believe me I got the short straw, but it's not even he's paying more or I am tbh it's not saying anything about it that's the real issue , I would have cut back to make the rates as much as I could have ,I would have sorted it tbh like I always do 😡

Edited

If you had a joint bills account you'd have known the council tax wasn't getting paid which was the point some PP were making. Not that you should have paid more, but that you should have made sure it was getting paid. Not that that's really fair in a relationship and you shouldn't have to check your partner isn't lying to you about paying bills, just that a joint bills account provides greater transparency and oversight for everyone.

What I'd do immediately is deal with the rates problem and leave him on the side till you're ready to deal with him. Call the council ask for a payment plan. For me this would be a deal breaker, its endangered your home, but before I told him that I'd want to know where the money went. Some people do just piss away a lot of money buying things, gaming, tech, could also be drugs or gambling or money given to family.

YourAzureEagle · 28/01/2025 21:35

The council would have to go to court for the rates, get a ccj, put a charge on the house, go to court for an order for sale - slow and expensive.

If you offer to pay in instalments I would imagine they will bite your hand off, especially as offering that in court would likely be accepted by the judge.

Make sure you get all the post going forward and respond to any court summons that may arrive.

Original poster
Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 21:34

saltinesandcoffeecups · 28/01/2025 21:32

Did he fuck up this badly before? Make it non-negotiable

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No he's just always been funny with money and used the I'm bad with money excuse but tbh is he really ? Maybe I'm just a fool tbh he doesn't seem to buy anything so how can he truly be 'bad with money ' I met him when I was quite young tbh and maybe I've been a blind sighted idiot

OP posts:
saltinesandcoffeecups · 28/01/2025 21:32

Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 21:32

Be better chance of pigs flying tbh never seen his bank account in my life 🙈

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Did he fuck up this badly before? Make it non-negotiable

Original poster
Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 21:32

saltinesandcoffeecups · 28/01/2025 21:31

Sit him down and both of you log into his bank account and go through the statement together. That should answer most of your questions about where the money is going.

Be better chance of pigs flying tbh never seen his bank account in my life 🙈

OP posts:
Original poster
Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 21:31

ReadingSoManyThreads · 28/01/2025 21:28

@Derrygirl09 just out of curiosity, is it in both of your names? Is the mortgage and deeds in joint names?

Yes both , I don't think he'd of got a mortgage on his own tbh

OP posts:
saltinesandcoffeecups · 28/01/2025 21:31

Sit him down and both of you log into his bank account and go through the statement together. That should answer most of your questions about where the money is going.

Original poster
Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 21:30

ReadingSoManyThreads · 28/01/2025 21:17

Whilst I agree it's bad, it's not as bad as it could have been. Three years of rates isn't that much, unless they live in a large house under an expensive area.

But overall, it's certainly a betrayal, and this would be relationship ending for me. I just didn't want OP to get freaked out about the amount they need to pay.

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It's over 2 grand !!

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